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Thread: |As the Salt Settles|

  1. #1
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    |As the Salt Settles|

    |As the Salt Settles|

    Eric, 15 years old
    Stole a cellphone from the local Radio Shack
    A deep, overcoming feeling is sought upon him
    As a luscious scar unfolds, parting his timid skin

    Marry, 17 years old
    Ran away from home
    As her Mother’s worry for her grows stronger
    The twelve painless cuts on her body grow larger

    Nathan, 42 years old
    As his ex-wife elevates in economy
    His seven teen lethal incisions plead for escalading negativity
    .
    .
    Welcome to Earth.
    .
    .
    Answers followed by beginnings collided throughout my mind
    Capacity overflowing with devilish stigmatic signs
    Cleanly, my plate of armor covers the truth
    As a cold case sleeps attentively, waiting for proof
    My head moves upwards, willingly I raise my hellious shield
    The grass dead – now green, in this multi cellular field
    Like heaven, the sun stretched across the sentimental sky
    Beauty met beauty, emotional exaggeration ordering me to cry
    But we can’t, as humanity stares aimlessly above
    Clouds shrieked ember red embroidery; feverish love
    A hysterical hush swept every nation’s choking-alive lungs
    Heavily sedated from astronomical knowledge silently sung
    The atmosphere swirled, and clouds dwelled cavelike
    Increasing tension like liquid mercury fused with dislike
    No one felt one emotion, although intensified rage assembled up high
    While slits of back pay formed on our uncleansed eyes
    Presence of light pushed and belated materialistic ugly
    Unnamed routes of phenomena aroused suddenly
    We have buried ourselves on top the wrong beneath
    With no adrenaline I felt mother earth hectically preach
    The world had once been a soft piece of metaphorical gum
    But we’ve chewed it up, spit it out, now tragic it has become
    Hard is the look of humanity’s blind sight
    Biting through corrupt visions, just to live another blind night
    The sky went blank, for a minute I felt remorse
    This was power only tamed by the highest source
    Creatively, the atmosphere twinkled bright with self preservation
    But these minds felt harassed, a taste of our own medication
    Scars burnt purple, gamma rays blazed sin,
    As the scars already formed and newly forming incisions tore open
    Opening widely, like newborns screaming; awaiting attention
    The clouds grew heavy as waves of brain spelt intervention
    Feeling a drip of, rain? On my agitated frame
    The, rain? Now singed causing unexplained pain
    Faster, repetitively, salt rained down from above
    Now I was awake, I had now seen what we had become
    Like a sandstorm the salt barreled down, how much could we sustain?
    Screeching and screaming, the world turning awfully insane
    Oceans of aching crys, desceptance ravished images of bleak
    Why me, I yelled with undertones of silence in my speech
    Bodily features now tortured and trapped refugees
    Air turned to salt, now salt was only what I could breathe
    Puking it up, then swallowing amounts vividly fatal
    No word could describe this feeling, like a restless murderous tornado
    Blinding my overdrive I strive to reach an alibi
    What – no, who was behind this unthinkable demise
    I look above; the endless siege of salt comes to a halt
    Now in the distance was a tiny morsel; hard to make out
    A shiny piece of salt, last one to be subdued
    Although this one had a twinkle to it, apocalyptically tattooed
    Like magnets we’re glued to the surface
    Approaching now was the tiny spec of salt; I’m growing nervous
    Closer and closer the spec trickled down
    Larger and larger, renewal reaching the morbid ground
    Now panic struck me greater than ever before
    I tried to escape, but abominable fear crept at my door
    As the salt settles – into my skin, I watch the shape grow near
    My shadow now overcome by a crystal; clear
    Warning? Hell no this was consequences deemed to us plagued
    Now seconds away, was the answer now fazed
    Cascading upon us all; pupils infinitely alert
    - An asteroid of salt
    Humanity now a clean cut rebirth



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    Last edited by MakeShyft; June 24th, 2005 at 11:18 AM

  2. #2
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    very ill god...this piece was very intricate.....i loved pretty much every aspect of this piece....had a real poetic feel to it......loved tha in depth imagery..tha vast vocab and wordplay...tha complexity...i really do like everything about this piece...rhyme scheme was ill and your structure....keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

    fav lines-
    Quote Originally Posted by Make Shyft
    Clouds shrieked ember red embroidery; feverish love
    A hysterical hush swept every nation’s choking-alive lungs
    Heavily sedated from astronomical knowledge silently sung
    --really poetic with very vivid imagery and vocab.

    Quote Originally Posted by Make Shyft
    Oceans of aching crys, desceptance ravished images of bleak
    Why me, I yelled with undertones of silence in my speech
    --loved tha wordplay and how simple yet complex it was.

    Quote Originally Posted by Make Shyft
    A shiny piece of salt, last one to be subdued
    Although this one had a twinkle to it, apocalyptically tattooed
    -- i just loved this line in general.


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  3. #3
    Colby Cain
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    this piece was fire man str8 up, the whole feel of it and the great flow along with the colorful dialog and vocabulary really painted a beautiful portrait of the concept you had. your skills are clearly not just confined to hip hop but also spill over into literature, dope kid, keep em comin.

    return the favor and hit up my thread "The Red Light District: Part 1"

  4. #4
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    That's two links, please, not one.

    I'll give you feed on this when you get that other link as well.
    ...

  5. #5
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    upin this for more feed

  6. #6
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    Thx for feed, slide.

  7. #7
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    I really felt thiz one dawg it was a real tight piece I ain't got nothing negative to say about it.. very creative and all round it was very good. I liked the flow structure and your vocab was right on track.. keep up the good work homie wish you best luck..
    Tacticz
    .. Dat'z right I'm white ....

    ~ Lifted Minds ~


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  8. #8
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    Bump.

  9. #9
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    Slide__

  10. #10
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    Uppin this for feed - wud be dope

  11. #11
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    Too long? dunt sleep on this peeps.. up

  12. #12
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    Bump...

  13. #13
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    Alright, well I thought this was pretty good in some areas and not so good in others. It seemed to start well. It was definitely somewhat creative, too. I think you should think about using some more interesting rhyme schemes than just AABB all the time. Overall a solid piece, I see you have potential.
    ...

  14. #14
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    Apreciate the feed..up

  15. #15
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    There was some really great storytelling here. In my eyes, I feel it was more metaphorically structured as in theres a more deeper meaning to this. Another thing that stood out was the vocab used, very creative and structured to keep the flow going. Hot one.

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