Succumbing To Love

[Bruklor]

- Succumbing To Love -

Wednesday, eleven twenty nine - PM
Notice the numbers and mutter “I can see them”
Amazed at the lack of alcohol in my system
But this first in a month can be over in an instant
Sitting, staring at the pretty bottle hole
Staying sober for the night is the goal
Whether in sight or still a maybe or might
Those posts are getting to be kind of tight
Working the next day no longer matters
Even with a hangover I’m an up to par batter
Another glass, starting fast to become senseless
Corner of my paper burnt around the edges
White turning to off, the nicotine stained stages
This is becoming reminiscent of all my other pages
Everything is blurred and full of spelling mistakes
To fix it the method is another shot intake
The booze is becoming incessant, all’s alcohol induced
Couple more bottles and the spins will ensue
At that time my sheets and pillow will start calling
I’ll be there eventually, unless on my way I start falling
Like a new relationship she wants me every night
Sometimes I don’t show, so there is a fight
And eventually she’ll stop leaving on the lights
Drunk and stumbling around in the dark
It’ll be a while before the bottle and I depart
I’ve got friends and family all worrying
I promise them I’m fine, assuringly
“I’m not addicted, I haven’t become a victim yet”
Then I turn, hurrying outside for a cigarette

["The Prophecy"]

flow was terrible.....rhymes where not consistant....basic shit and basic rhymes nothing special......10 times better than anything i wrote?....dont think so kiddo...and u said that what i write about was...bullshit?? welll this right here is some bull shit because you are disgustingly ugly and girls dont like you...there u go plain and simple

[Bruklor]

Oh, not don't be petty. Someone's feeling childish today. Oh, and I can have that deleted, if I really cared.


Jekyll, Credz:

Thread
Post Itself
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Post Itself
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Post Itself

[E Tha Real]

art faggotry... wow, as expected no rhyme scheme,
writers voice is un-appealing through-out.
an AA member becomes a chain smoker at the end...
creative concept? don't answer, it's rhetorical...

this melancholy seeking redemption because I never got
an x-box type verse isn't an open mic or poetry... hence
we call your development of writing... art faggotry

I'll be nice though for om rules sake... work on these ex.
originality- the concept

rhyme scheme- ex. fight, light, might, tight... elementry

vocab.- incessant, ensue... could've used better synonyms these
came off very poor, and almost as if you didnt know the word
due to the way you phrazed it.

phrazing- Another glass, starting fast to become senseless
maybe you're not the best 'rhymer' who cares but this is forced
and makes no sense.

1-2

[Bruklor]

And, it's good to see none of you have ever been drinking, thank you.

[djb]

this was not terrible, those guys really dont know what they are talking about. they are letting thier emotions take over the chrit. anyways i did feel this was somewhat basic at points, but at the same time this was a very real and emotional read. i was thrown at times with the wording, some things seemed a little forced. but i liked this read, it was by far not the best i have read from you and those kids are straight stupid if they dont think you can bring fire. i dunno seemed kinda like a quick one without too much thought put into it. still i liked it though. im just really picky

[Bruklor]

And thanks, djb.

[Dan Dare]

Thread cleared.

Prophecy if you post in here again you're banned.

[Emceed]

man it was aight some peeps just real harsh and need to lay off, it felt kinda freestyled to me but i dunno, the rhyming was good in some places but in other places it fell off or just didnt rhyme at all, if you got that sorted it would be a better drop. Keep em cumin!

[Moniker]

this was pretty good. a decent story telling verse. probobly average if not slightly above in most aspects. what i really enjoyed about this though was the truth, realness, and relatability. it's like an "i'm doing something wrong, but dont want to change yet" poem, and i think those can be very strong. i'd actually like to see this expanded. good job.

[Bruklor]

this was pretty good. a decent story telling verse. probobly average if not slightly above in most aspects. what i really enjoyed about this though was the truth, realness, and relatability. it's like an "i'm doing something wrong, but dont want to change yet" poem, and i think those can be very strong. i'd actually like to see this expanded. good job.

That's exactly it, the premise of the story. And to the people that mentioned it, this was written pretty quickly (as Jek, that's something I don't usually do), this verse was written within an hour, while, appropriately, drunk. (And no I'm not using that as an excuse like kids do when they say something stupid and say "I was high, yo!".

Thanks all, thanks Jek.

[Edicius]

thanks Jamie.

[sILLable]

not bad.....this piece most definitly had emotion....i think your rhyme scheme was basic...and simple...your structure was good...very consistent with deep imagery and
i did like tha way you layed it out...this piece flowed as smooth as possible...vocab wasnt that good...ive seen better from you but still tight.keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

[Dan Dare]

Thread cleared, again.

He'll be banned as soon as I can get someone to do it for me.

[Bruklor]

Lmao. Don't worry about it Jek. There's a thread in EI about it. By this point, I don't think he'll learn, but no longer do I care.

Dope sig by the way.