Alone In The Dark

[MonStar]

Alone In The Dark
(Written over 'Ballad Of Worms' by Cage)


*woman singing*
I can't get that sound you make out of my head
I can't even figure out what's making it (x2)


The agony burning hot, as I still deal with these emotions
Brain cutting off external thought, damn near comatoseing
With a heart cold and frozen, drowning in sorrow of lakes and oceans
What would it took or take to notice, yet I thought the gooses eggs were golden
Standing around reaching, grabbing grasping and holding
Now knowing a future with her has just been stolen
Living everyday with pain, sorrow, the sadness and suffering
Missing every precious moment and not sure how to love again
The pain bludgeoning, the mind as the hearts already missing
Arteries and all been stripped - n, being diagnosed with a love sick condition
Went from floating to falling as the ground has become distant
Like gravity switched positions, as the life I envisioned abruptly ended
In the blink of an eye she switched sides and made her decision
Not happy with the life I was living, our time thrown in the darkest of ditches
Reminiscing of you with no room for thought, all about my broken heart
So I stay by myself, secluded, as I'm now just alone in the dark


*woman singing*
I can't get that sound you make out of my head
I can't even figure out what's making it (x2)


...the woman singing is the chrous from the original song...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=203629
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=179302&page=3

[Trema]

At last a post with talent!

I liked this piece for the simple fact that its short and good! Your vocab was exceptionally good and your structure was cool! I would of liked this piece to have been longer for the simple fact i was enjoying reading this piece! I was feeling your rhymes you had some dope perts in your piece! Kepp writing ok, this piece was nice and i'll be looking for more from you!

[aro17_9]

I really liked reading this piece. My girl and I just split, so I can really feel where you were coming from. My favorite line was: "Standing around reaching, grabbing grasping and holding//Now knowing a future with her has just been stolen". That really hit home for me. Good structure and vocab, if you have any more rhymes like that, I would like to see them! Keep it up!

[Facts Machine]

Nice flow and concept. very poetic and the rhymescheme with multis was hot. Ballad of worms is one of my favorite Cage songs, leak brothers own.

With a heart cold and frozen, drowning in sorrow of lakes and oceans
What would it took or take to notice, yet I thought the gooses eggs were golden

^that stood out to me. the whole verse was hot... maybe the only faults were that ur wording was sometimes sloppy but i guess it'll flow on the beat.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=204382
^please give me feed-back.

[MonStar]

Thanks for the feed...Anyone else?

[A.P.M]

i really enjoyed reading this piece.. you had the emotion flowing from the start .. i could feel you right the way through it. . good structure and rhymes... keep at it 8.5/10

[MonStar]

thanks for the feed...upping for more...

[CrazyCarl]

The concept is solid, you brought it home at the end, closing it nicely. I enjoyed the rhyming, in the text, you put in some subtle ones internally at the beginning. Depending on how it sounds over the beat will tell if you need to edit some lines. The vocab was nice, staying away from one syllable words ending the line made the piece more complex. The drop was descriptive, lines that stood out to support the image was the drowning in sorrow, arteries stripped, and bludgeoning pain (which I felt was a great word to describe the feeling). The chorus built into the beat fits with the loneliness that the character feels.