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Thread: Hypocritical Justice

  1. #1
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    Hypocritical Justice

    Resentment. She cowers, crying in the dark, eyes unopened,
    Fishing,floating,suspended from a cord in an aborted tomb.
    Her mothers womb. She stutters, breathing into liquids, making little sound,
    Or movement. They aren't aware that shes around.
    Or is it just that they don't care?
    Their busy lives bear little freedom, for another heart to beat between them,
    And so misjudging rhyme or reason, they turn to substances unknown,
    And all she owns,slowly receeding, back into the dark from whence it came,
    Sad really.
    Her story will be told, but nobody will know her name.

    The thought of her does not occur, to the heroin-infested brain,
    The habit strengthening, immunity, while the problem still remains,
    Money is scarce, and time isnt moving, the way they percieve to perverse,
    The way they abuse their bodies, not realising what their doing to hers,
    Developing organs, weak blood pumping in a cycle round the heart,
    Ventricles beating in agony, from the veins the real pain starts,
    And before she knows it, her carrier is out cold on the floor,
    With toxins deep inside her, straight through the cord like an open door,
    Umbilical disastor, to think of the injustice it invokes,
    That a smackhead can have a baby, while IVF goes up in smoke,
    Another toke she takes inhales deeply one more time, a joint, a blow,
    A hubbly, and then an injection in her spine, she starts jittering,
    But she passes out this time, and inside her womb the foetus jerks,
    To the cry of addictions rhyme, her mothers perks are but her death,
    And as the music of her heart dies down, shes glad she'll be at peace now,
    Till her mother comes around.

    Resentment. She cowers, crying in the dark, eyes unopened,
    Fishing,floating,suspended from a cord in an aborted tomb.
    Her mothers womb. She stutters, breathing into liquids, making little sound,
    Or movement. They aren't aware that shes around.
    Or is it just that they don't care?
    Their busy lives bear little freedom, for another heart to beat between them,
    And so misjudging rhyme or reason, they turn to substances unknown,
    And all she owns,slowly receeding, back into the dark from whence it came,
    Sad really.
    Her story will be told, but nobody will know her name.
    Last edited by FanTa ZeE; May 23rd, 2005 at 04:25 PM
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  2. #2
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    Whoa.

    Fucking dope, I really enjoyed this piece. I liked the structure, Flow, Scheme etc.

    This kept me thinking and reading, And really nice vocab.

    Please check my OM.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...38#post2459938

  3. #3
    Po'Ethics
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    Nice piece... You wrote well... You wrote very creatively... Good use of metaphor... Great assonance. Not much to fault here. However, I would say that it could've been a little bit longer... The repetition gave the illusion of length, however, I didn't think you should've included that. You could've kept writing more and ended using that creativity you began with... However, that's just my personal interpretation. Aside from that it was a good piece.

    If you could check out "The Mother I Never Knew" in my sig I'd appreciate it.

    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives

  4. #4
    Banned Chronic Cancer's Avatar
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    very good hsit...keep it up......the peice is beautiful.........

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chronic Cancer
    very good hsit...keep it up......the peice is beautiful.........
    Stfu and leave more feed for her ass

  6. #6
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    Really loved this.. Emotionally this was very strong. A well thought out, and well executed topical. The schemes were great because they were unorthodox, but this was still really fluid. Imagery was, in a way lacking, I couldn't literally visualise, but I didn't think it was that kind of piece. Because it was a description from inside the womb I guess. Anyway.. probably a top ten drop. I'm gonna nominate this if it isn't already.

    ...

  7. #7
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    nominate? *eyes widen, pupils dilate, drops to knees and thanks God for the chance..*

    thank you.
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  8. #8
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    heehee thanks for all the replies, nice if i could get some more!
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  9. #9
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    a great concept with some pretty amazing imagery to back it up. reminds me of the first arc in 'Jack' but i digress. good vocab, the repetition of the first verse worked well, good sense of pace as well. some multi's would've helped the flwo but this was a strong piece even without them.

    good work, keep posting. if you could return the favour i'd appriciate the feedback.

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  10. #10
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    ill piece kid,loved tha imagery,wordplay,liked tha story,layed out well,tight concept,and u wrote it good,like the emotion,all in all this piece was mad dope,keep droppin tha hottness.~1~


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  11. #11
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    Well not much more I can say that has not been said previously, so congrats on a very well deserved HoF nomination here in OM. I raised an eye brawl to you long ago, I now know what exactly caught my attention and that is your ability to creatively splash solid emotion throughout a peice.

    Well done miss, please stay active in our OM forum, I look forward to more from you....
    Last edited by Bounce; May 24th, 2005 at 02:25 PM

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  12. #12
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    Hey Bounce...you raised an eye brawl you say?...I'm intriged...tell me more Thanks for the feed people!
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  13. #13
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    This peice shows motion, and great use of metaphors, good structure, i cant rate this cuz it's too good!!!
    Last edited by Skribble; May 24th, 2005 at 03:19 PM

  14. #14
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    thanks kidz
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