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Thread: could you please help us

  1. #1
    lyrical messiah
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    could you please help us

    hook
    could you please help me an my sister
    cuase dad cusses me an yells an hits her
    its scarry an cold outside by myself in the dark
    i sometimes go sleep under the slide at the park

    verse
    dear social service worker my name is jerome
    i want you to know what lifes like in my home
    im a lil mixed boy thats on seven years old
    my mom an my dad locks me outta the house when its cold
    my mom an my dad well both of them drunks
    an they smoke rolled ciggerates i think they call em blunts
    my dad gets drunk an beats on my sista
    i hear the screams outside her bedroom winda
    my moms always sleepin in the bed or on the couch
    my dads in my sistas room an shes screamin ouch
    she keeps screamin this word i think it was rape
    dad said she got knocked up when she went on a date
    mom calls me bad words ery day
    she says im nothin but a mutha fuckin mistake
    i asked her what fuckin means an she hit me in the head
    she grabbed me by my hair an threw me on my bed
    my sistas gettin fat an i dont know why
    she yelled at my dad so he hit her in the eye
    she said thanks to him shes havin a baby
    when she said that dad just went crazy
    he started kickin her in the belly
    an he just would not stop yelling
    moms smokin one of those ciggerates an they smell so bad
    then they started smellin of some kind of white powder
    mom started coughin louder an louder
    they had water in a spoon an tried to lite it
    dad put a shot to moms arm an said not fight it
    then he did it to his self an his eyes went white
    he got real loud an him an mom started to fight
    im writin this note to see if you can help me an my sista
    cause dad cusses me an hits my sista
    hook
    could you please me an my sister
    cause dad cusses me an yells an hits her
    its scarry an cold outside by myself in the dark
    i sometimes go sleep under the slide at the park

  2. #2
    Banned
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    2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

  3. #3
    lyrical messiah
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    when i met her
    by rile 1
    givin a choice
    by skibble

  4. #4
    lyrical messiah
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    the reason this dont have any vocab is cause its in the life of a seven year old whos mom an dad are mean to him an his sister. but i need some feed to see what you thought

  5. #5
    Banned Da Grinda's Avatar
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    I think this was good, it made me wanna continue reading it, I could already hear a beat in my head as I was reading this. It gives good imagery too, nice job

  6. #6
    lyrical messiah
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    thanx uppin

  7. #7
    Just some old ass account Devastator™'s Avatar
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    This sounded like a bad Eminem freestyle... lol, sorry if you meant for it to be taken seriously, it was just something like his old style. It was str8, nothing special vocab-wise which you already explained. Message got conveyed through clearly enough I suppose. Keep doin what you do.

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  8. #8
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    eh
    some shit was way to simple
    your vocab and wordplay was week.. overall... not a good verse... keep trying though cuz the emotion was there... a little more and you could have a solid verse

  9. #9
    lyrical messiah
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lyrical Genocide
    eh
    some shit was way to simple
    your vocab and wordplay was week.. overall... not a good verse... keep trying though cuz the emotion was there... a little more and you could have a solid verse
    vocab was supposed to be simple it was in the point of view of a sevent year old

  10. #10
    lyrical messiah
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    thanx uppin

  11. #11

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