Head in Hands

[Issue]

Head in Hands
...At the tips of my fingers.

The sweat of my palms mix with the tears from my eyes,
The lines on my face appear to have seen many lives,
My mouth only opens to scream and let out cries,
I've died inside... And all I can do is hide.

My hands are a hope, a shield... The only real cloak I yield,
I don't feel healed, I feel soaked in blood, sealed in stains.
I feel no good... I'm Hopeless and plain.
I wouldn't know shame except its the same as defeat,
And the only thing I know is my hands where I retreat.
I seek solitude in the shadows of deceit, I'm weak.
Im unique in the presence of the freaks,
I sleep in the present, but I've past to many weeks.
I'm deep, deep in the darkness my hands pocess.
I close my eyes and reap heartlessly,
I progess into the marvelous depth of my paws.
I process the steps after I've left each of them in awe.
I float down the valley of the shadow of death,
Which resides in my hands... Im the only one left.
I've slept in this realm of loneliness so many nights,
But only since the happiness eroded into the light...
Once there was a land at the height of laughter,
I was a master in this planned disaster,
At the tips of my fingers lived the cast of my past...
And many nights I collapsed into fast lives since relapsed.
Now Im left cowering where I laughed, where my dreams did stand...
Now it seems its all forgotton since my head hit my hands.

----------------

Having fun with this, Blah!!

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=187233
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=187528

Replies?
And no bullshit replies, I will find you and bitchslap you.


You don't want none.

[Johnny 6-feet]

nice and concise. liked the concept and the imagery you used made for interesting reading. some more sophisticated rhymes would've helped this out but it was a solid piece with a strong opening and closing. the vocab was good, dunno what else to say

keep posting man.

H'n'R.

[Issue]

Ok, thanks Johnny, appreciate it.....


Upp

[Issue]

Uppp

So early in the morning.

[warchild]

Wassup issue this was nice man, first off your flow aint too strong but like a lot of other guys on here your imagery and vocab make your pieces stand out. The concept wasnt original but you did a great job with this the imagery was nice i always write theses type of dark pieces sometimes they get repetitive but you kept it consistent with just raw rhymes and good emotion.
this would make a good audio if you added another verse, the structure was fine the vocab was fine the flow was average so try and up that and your rhymes would be mad nice.

Return the favour please:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=187936
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=186523

[Issue]

Good feed, thanks warchild.

[CrazyCarl]

I liked the intro, sets the mood, and brings in the concept. The rhyme scheme worked, especially at the end, where it helped the longer lines keep the flow. Vocab for the piece was on point. The concept was solid, and the imagery helped make the verse more descriptive and emotional. My favorite part was the intro, keep it up.
Reurn the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=188223

[Issue]

Sleeping... Upp?

[½ Crook]

My hands are a hope, a shield... The only real cloak I yield,
I don't feel healed

I feel soaked in blood, sealed in stains.
I feel no good... I'm Hopeless and plain.

Bar structure?

I wouldn't know shame except its the same as defeat,
And the only thing I know is my hands where I retreat.
I seek solitude in the shadows of deceit, I'm weak.
Im unique in the presence of the freaks,
I sleep in the present, but I've past to many weeks.

niiiiiice....I spit hotfire

the rest was pretty decent...rhyme stated consistent not as many multi's as this ^ but nice

[Issue]

Bar Structure?

Upp

[Bounce]

First off, the meter was good (fluctuated, but you were not going for a set meter, at least it doesn't look taht way), so I do not know what people are talking about when it comes to the flow of this peice. It was the best component of this drop, and that was marked by a intricate rhyme scheme (I guess the children are looking for the end of each line rhymes, you know how their nursery books read!!), scheme you used here is not the typical played conventional bullshit, so if they can't work that out, it only shows just how much they DON'T know. YOu nailed that aspect, but lacked in other areas, but this is the best dispaly of scheme I've seen from you, so I suppose this was mearly an excecise in work here. YOu could have used better imagery and emotion, but I think you wre paying closer attention to this new rhyme scheme, with well palced internals and solid assonance. Not blistering but much better than I have seen from you. Damn the members giving you bullshit ass feed, waive it off, if you can incorperate this type of scheme into a drop with solid emotion imagery and dope ass concept, you will have a dope ass drop on your hands. Right now it's good, and I've seen you do better in everything except scheme, so you know what that tells you. I would have to compare this to another solid writer I've watched elevate here on RB and that is lyric, you just remind me of him, when he was finding his nitch. So please develop and remain active here on OM. I expect good things from you to come....

[Issue]

Thank you Bounce, thats some good feed and I really do appreciate what you say, and I will hopefully be able to drop a dope piece as you mentioned sometime in the future.

Upp

[Bounce]

^ I know you will... Johnny six feet, another vet, also made mention of your rhyme scheme, so please see ho wthat differes from what the other kids are saying. Do not let them led you astray, Mr. 6feet nailed it in terms of scheme. Brush off the rest, most don't know a thing about writting...

[young ryda]

this was a hot piece i liked the picture it painted and hte vocab was good i feel ya pain brotha keep at it , u got some real talent and a real nice flow

[Issue]

Lol.

Uppppp