Mothers Left.

[JAY DOT.]

just something quick...had an idea i might work with it.


earth shakes, hit the floor, fireman at my door.
wheres mom she was suppose to be home at four/
laid back in an ambulance barely breathing,
she was at work geting ready to be leaving/
never made it back home that night and im sick,
i mean if there's God, why did he do this mean shit/

well it been 5 years since my mother has past, til she took a breath her last, i picked up the bottle and started to hit to my bottom fast/
drinking to cover the pain of loosing you, not seeing you, still miss the mother in you, remember the morgue, your face was blue/
dammit mom you aint coming back, my worlds black, feel like a vicious fiend always ready to attack, i hate who i am, its a fact/
believe in religion, how can i when im sinnin, stealing, dealing, i got no feeling when my eyes look at the ceailing, i need to healing/
if there was a God he help me out of this critical condition, my mom i would stop missin, maybe i need some sort of admittion/
5 years, i lost my money, home, and wife, what a calamity, and fuck calling a friend on the phone, dial the devil when i need direction in life/
give me the knife, and i could slit my wrist and take the fears away, the pain of having to wake up and live another day/....

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=184516
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=184498

[Issue]

I would of kept my other feed if I knew it was gonna get remade!! lol

Ok, I liked your closer but I wasn't really feeling this piece. You structure was crazy, and I don't really understand why you used it for this piece. This is something which should of been emotional, and you kinda set it out like a freestyle battle diss type spit, it could of been a whole lot more. You reached out with emotion in some parts, but not enough. You should have a really strong voice in a piece like this, something that catches the attention of the reader and makes them feel the same pain as you. I think your main problem after reading this is expression, you seem to just get straight to the point and don't emphasise as much the pain or the emotion caused by this. Overall, being perfectly honest I thought this was pretty weak, but you showed some decent points like the closer and a few good rhymes, just sort out your structure and really try to express more.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185882
Check out mine man, return the favour, thanks.

[JAY DOT.]

thanks Issue, this was just a keystyle something to open up my writers block?

[djb]

agreed this was only ok. nothing great from you here, but i understand that writers block is a bitch. for a keystyle this was alright. about average. i know you are much better then this piece though. it seemed like you were forcing some things. and the story line was good but it seemed a little rushed. like you wanted to insert other words and lines to describe everything better but you didnt have time or patience to stay there and polish it. there were some good parts in there though mos def. i agree with issue that the closer was very good. nice work but i wanna see you take some more time on a piece and get in the hof.

[JAY DOT.]

yeah, true i just rushed this

[AL CAPONE]

an alrite verse man u need a little of work man didnt really get this but u did have some funny shit there man just work on gettin a little better to tha point but ur verse was alrite ok and work also a little on structure ok overall verse - 7.0/10 good job and keep doin what ya doin ok 1

[JAY DOT.]

yeah...im just getting writers block out the way.

[Na~Ledge]

like everyone else said not bad for a keystyle man, but not a show of your true talent. Seemed like you forced a lot in here but that usually what happens when ever you have writers block. Just keep postin and u'll work your way through it. Keep up man.