Before Eden

[Braille]

My life is based on, a war thats raged on..
profound thoughts mixed with scorching napalm..
Teachers and prophets, all burned and forgotten..
even the wheels of time are turnin and plottin..
Blasphamous statements leavin truth trapped in a basement..
it's amazing what a person can do with there back to the pavement..

I'm God's messenger, carrying papyrus stained with ink..
a child born of a virgin, and I'm here to name the king..
He would be called "Lucifer", an angel of past, present and future..
dangerous but beautiful, like two platinum gold lugers..
charismatic and witty, people couldn't help but love him..
but his growing power was stirring up problems above him..
people were lookin to lucifer to answer there prayers..
God wasn't an option..and nobody really cared..
so God grew jealous, full of hatred and envy..
and as time turned on, his anger grew plenty..
He took lucifers life, and cast him up to the sky..
and all the angels under God were wondering why..
Lucifer was a good man, strong devout christian..
and when he spoke of God, everyone listened..
But Lucifer questioned no one, and accepted his place..
as God's left hand man, a warlord with armor and mace..
He would be commander of angels, a valiant soldier of God..
and the book of genesis was a chosen facade..
all the angels of heaven, equipped with flaming swords..
were cast down to the earth, to become lame and whores..
Now it was just Lucifer and God, and the assumption shot in..
If Lucifer was to detrhone, there was no stoppin him..
Too prideful to destroy any creation, he cast him down aswell..
and Lucifer was so confused, he vowed to make life living hell..
the sins of the world, don't trace back to an apple core eaten..
all of our trials and tribulations started way before eden..
and Satan was to reign over the earth, and open the gates of hell..
Known as the garden of eden, the place where satan fell..

[Braille]

here are my two links


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...87#post2246987
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...92#post2246992

[..IllThoughtZ..]

yo this was mad nice...i've never seen this concept which kept me reading and interested...very nice structure and vocab....could've been longer but still was eye catching...

but his growing power was stirring up problems above him..
people were lookin to lucifer to answer there prayers..
God wasn't an option..and nobody really cared..
so God grew jealous, full of hatred and envy..
and as time turned on, his anger grew plenty.

those lines stood out to me because it told a story between God and Lucifer....overall i give this piece an 8/10...dis was a dope piece man lookin forward to more from you...

[Braille]

thanks for the feed man..i got lots more comin...and this was pretty much a half assed piece..that needs a lot of polishing..lmao..but ah well..i just thought the concept was dope..and wanted to get it out..patience is a virtue..and i don't have it..lol

[Deviate]

Nice piece man... Good to see more people joining with talent. You wrote with emotion and illustrated your talent here. There was a lot of good vocabulary and metaphor which also made this a good piece. All I can suggest is working on the flow and structure. At times these were inconsistant and could've done with improvement. Also, you might try not posting in bold as I know many people find it annoying to read pieces that are in bold. However, what really made this piece was the concept. It was very interesting and caught my eye.

Keep writing though man... I look forward to seeing your future pieces... If you need anything PM me...

Check out "Tears of the World" in my signature...

Peace

[Braille]

thanks for that...i'll check that right now.......

[Braille]

uppin this...it needs to be rad..understand?.......

[K9_THESHIT]

man it was annoying to read it...don't use bold nex time.other than that it was decent.you have potential,but next time you gotta put more focus on flow,because it lacked in many places.the imagery was done pretty well,you had a good vocabulary and i could get a glimpse of what you were thinking when you wrote it.and i also liked you ideas in the piece...overall decent shit man...you just gotta drop more and you'll catch up on some things as you drop...Keep it up.

and if you have time,please drop a feed in "Battlefield" in my sig.
Peace man!

[xPirat3x]

that piece was decent man but wasnt great i wasnt felling the flow either but other than that good job.

[Braille]

i have flow on point..when i want it...this piece could use polishing in every aspect...concept...lyrics...flow...syllable count..FONT...everything...but the concept is what stuck out to me..and I wanted to see what people had to say about the concept in general...but thanks

[DeafBlind&Mute]

Theme - well developed and implemented I noticed how you really put forth the effort to make that central to the rhyme, partly why I didnt take to much notice to the loss in flow.
Flow - as stated before a few places could use polishing
Rhyme - Good
Verbage - could use a bit of elevating

Really enjoyed this piece a lot and hope to see more soon. Shoot me some of your stuff if you ever get the time Id like to take a look. Cant wait to read more.

[Braille]

thanks for that....i'll do that sometime

[Braille]

uppin this....tell me how this could be better people

[CrazyCarl]

I liked this. You were descriptive, and that kept the story going. Some spots could have been filled with more content. The piece had good vocab. The concept was good, and the piece has potential, if you decide to work on it more. The title worked, got me interested. The setup for the verse was good, it set the mood for the piece. Keep it up.

Check out "Mentally Wealthy" in my sig.

[Civ]

Sick man, whatsup!?