tongue twister

[Paragon]

maybe not really, but some parts have a lot of alliteration, so it seems like a tongue twister...

I’ve prayed, plenty of promises, and punished the pranksters
Thinking I am playing - I’m some pathetic pretend gangster
Looking for answers and another feeling away in a manger
People be pushing and acting like I’m practically perfect
What you see about me is shallowly only scraping the surface
I know that nonsequitur neglect is just making me nervous
Whatever the weather I will weather whatever no matter what
Whether my face gets redder or the skies get better but
I hold these letters in my mind - they tether thus
Everyone says that I’d be better off if I hadn’t met her
Don’t sweat her just let her, they say as if they know better
Many men manage to make it seem like maybe I’m mistaken
In the middle of my life my mind is locked in mentionable memories taken from me
Miserable missionary - I guess it’s a mission of mine to be missing my mind
I’m getting in the grind, should go gear up and divide
Two separate entities can live deep inside of this lonely mind
One of complex combinations with correct cognition
The other of wishes, wallowing, a wreck, submission
Check the fission, drama bombs dropped atomically
Ironically irate, inherent in its quality
Nobody wanted me, at least none of what you saw of me
I rarely spit intelligent speech but I never meant this to preach
Playing with fire - I’ll set it to the paper sheets
I bet its just desire - maybe it’s the tapered beat
The way that it’s weak
Has me raging to speak
Oh just wait for the peak
If it’s danger you seek
Than just say it to me
No way that you’d be
A soothsayer like me,
Youth-slayer for free,
A truth player to see.

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Decent if anything.

[CrazyCarl]

Using alliteration seemed to work in this piece, if it's to be an audio, practicing the verse will help you to pull it off. Had some god vocab in the verse, keep that up. You changed your flow at the end, which stands out in text, but you could make it work in audio. As you continue writing, work on sticking to a topic more closely when you determine it.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=182641

[Paragon]

thanks for the feedback guys.

alpha, thanks for telling the truth as you see it, not everyone likes the same stuff.

crazycarl, thanks for the great feedback. i was actually saying this to myself when i wrote it. i see (now) that changing the flow seems weird, but, as you said, it's better when spoken. i'll check out your stuff too.

[iNFiNiTE A]

this was a very good idea.. orginal.. but thats about it.. it was extremely choppy and not balanced.. but good idea

[Mistral]

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

[paul magic]

oshit hot i liked the flow and rhythem it had to it well was okay less then super dope but not quote dope eather had somin weird to it nice anywho

[AL CAPONE]

ok not really that good but keep up tha good work anyways nice rhymes but work on flow delivery and word structure aight homie

[lyrically_insane]

..What?..^^^

..yo this was hot drop dawg!..the structure kindas fell of towards the end tho..but i liked your multies in there!..I'm a BIG multies fan because in my opinion it makes the flow better!..

..Good drop!..

[Paragon]

thanks for the feedback, both of you