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Thread: The Vampire

  1. #1
    Banned
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    The Vampire

    I used to sit
    on the right of the Lord's throne
    sowing the seeds of joy
    along the banks of population

    Then
    greed pervaded by corneas
    God's laughter engulfed my
    very being,
    in the flames of
    anguish. I imagined my
    skin bubbling off its pale steed, as
    wisps of belief fled my
    psyche.

    When will the
    apprentice become the master?
    God's name rolled
    spitefully off my tongue
    as my halo became ashen
    and unfriendly- and the clouds
    dispersed under my
    heathen feet.

    Now the cadaver is my only friend
    as I seep from town to town
    quenching my thirst and
    spreading sin.

    Vampires around me- sucking
    money and love from their friends.
    I suck blood from stranger to
    live...so, why am I seen as
    hellsent?

    A veritable plague
    falling upon prey like the sunset
    I pray for forgiveness every night
    But silence is all I get.

  2. #2
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    Damn this is pretty dope dude. Nice and abstract - this is my kind of writing. I kind of got put off by the way you laid your stanzas out though. It knocked the natural rhythm of the piece. But it was good nonetheless. Not too much else to say; well written, attempts at imagery were great. And the message was understood. Keep writing.
    ...

  3. #3
    Cool beans. Were you satan? i dont fully understand it. But i liked your stanza structure, it flowed pretty well to me and it was unique. You dont always have to be symmetrical to flow good and you took good advantage of it.

  4. #4
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    word. this poem is str8 up tight, never really read poems.. but mac u got me here son


    I used to sit
    on the right of the Lord's throne
    sowing the seeds of joy
    along the banks of population

    people would think thats simple, but in reality.. it's dope, fareal..



    don't really feel like quotin anymore, just know that this was simply tight, it seemed a bit simple, but still.. the approach was nice and the content was aiight too. nice diction, nice structured poem, good shit mac.

  5. #5
     
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    ooooo, nice dude. Right off the bat i knew
    what you were going for; the whole fallen
    angel thing if i'm not mistaken. Lucifer maybe?
    Anyways this was good. I found myself liking
    this more than the last drop of yours. In
    relation to that piece you again utilized
    good wording which i think for me is what
    i like about your writing. You seem to
    know how to construct your lines/stanzas
    to get that balance of imagery and thought,
    if that makes any sense. i felt you could
    have built a little more on it, or at least
    the transition where he fell from heaven
    into his vampire state, but meh just my thoughts
    im just being picky. sorry if this was kind
    fo a blah reply but its late so....yeah lol
    regardless good work, keep em comin
    Last edited by Mantra; March 16th, 2005 at 03:25 AM
    ...

  6. #6
    Banned chuck taylor.'s Avatar
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    fuck yea.. this was illness rite here..
    dope shit man strait...
    i cant give advice on anything here.. lol

    nice shit

  7. #7
    MiSta_AuTh3nTiQ
    Guest
    Nice mane..........The imaginary was there wasn't feeling any emotion. But the imaginary was dope mane..........

  8. #8
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Some pretty good shit here Mac

    A nice abstract piece....vocab was high, but I thought you
    sometimes crammed too many words into some of your lines
    ...the complexity was high and I also thought that your
    imagry was was done....I felt somethin was a bit off
    when I read it...maybe syllable count was uneven or somethin
    but nothin major...nice shit
    A few achievements here and there

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  9. #9
    Bro0klyn
    Guest
    nice poem .... i like deep shit that comes from the hreat.....keep at it.....and u'll get better.....practice as much as you can.....even if you cant write it down......

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