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Thread: Evil In His Eyes

  1. #1

    Evil In His Eyes

    Evil In His Eyes

    -C-
    Can he see through the evil in his eyes...
    Can you see that he's the devil in disguise?
    Can he see through the evil in his eyes...


    -1-
    Can he see through the evil in his eyes...
    The
    stranger follows closely but quietly, lost in a land of sobriety.
    He's almost smiling as he grosely grips the knife silently.
    Only 4 inches in entirety, but deadly used violently.
    He's entirely obsessed by the high that he gets...
    His manhood is growing as his inner thigh sweats.
    He knows that he's close, almost hearing her breath...
    But most of all he's engrossed by the smell that she's left.
    He twitches his nostrils, sniffs at the dark.
    He fits his fist round the handle, walks to the beat of his heart.
    She hardly hears his pace quicken, making her ears strain to listen.
    She turns and they get face to face and it looks like they're kissing.
    He puts the knife to her throat and whispers 'Don't you dare scream.'
    She see's the evil gleam in his eyes, and she's knows that he's real.
    She can feel his bitter breath on her neck as her cheeks embrace the steel.
    She doesn't dare move, she's frozen in place.
    He holds her by the face and says she better do what he says...

    -C-
    Can he see through the evil in his eyes...
    Can you see that he's the devil in disguise?
    Can he see through the evil in his eyes...


    -2-
    Can't you see he's the devil in disguise?
    ...She cries, his breaths stings her eyes as they stand face to face.
    She tries to break away and escape but his grip is too great.
    He takes out a fistful of her hair as he throws her too the ground.
    He stands there looking at his hand for a second then throws it down.
    The pounding of his heart seems to echo all round, matched only by the sound of his breathing.
    He's weezing, his eyes seem to be deepening like his eyelids are sleeping.
    They appear to of elapsed and been replaced by too collapsed sockets in his face.
    His sharp deep breaths that he takes seem to go on forever.
    And he never takes his eyes off the victim, his eyes move her with him.
    She tries to kick but she misses him and he pounces upon her.
    She wishes he would stop, cursing God for turning from her.
    His knife graizes her thigh as he cuts away her skirt.
    The blood runs in streams as she screams but he doesn't care.
    He pulls himself on top of her, using the knife too stop her from screaming any louder.
    He rips open her blouse, as she tries to shout he cuts her mouth.
    Her now bloody pout is a river of red, he looks into her eyes and says 'don't you wish you were dead?'
    Can't you see the evil in his eyes?


    -C-
    Can he see through the evil in his eyes...
    Can you see that he's the devil in disguise?
    Can he see through the evil in his eyes...



    ---------
    Something I just wrote, any feedback is appreciated... And once again, I know its rushed but my attention wanders, lol

  2. #2

  3. #3
    BrayInWav
    Guest
    that's some freak show shit you sick fuck, seek help now... just kidding... no but really do it. lol j/k no really

    the flow and structure was on point mostly throughout, just a couple lines here and there were a bit long... and i would take out "as his inner thigh sweats" and replace it with something else... in this line maybe i would switch up the parts of it so it ends with face and starts with the part ending in what he says "He holds her by the face and says she better do what he says..."

    the theme... well, yeah, it's kinda fucked up obviously... but it sounds like you have done research into it or umm... something... however, i dont think this will ever be a big club hit in case that's what you were hoping for. maybe at a gothic club, with guitars and synthesizers and screaming the words... but yeah, it's worth keeping and refining, imo. peace

  4. #4
    Lol, ok. And no son, its poetry... Im not Nelly or J-Kown, this stuff happens. An I see you noticed this piece, which is what Im goin for.

    I dont write about guns, drugs and women. I write what i see and hear about.

    Listen to some Immortal Technique, see that this type of things... that inner thigh line... Thats what gets people to noice.

    Anyways up, thanks for the feed

  5. #5
    Ayo ya drop was pretty good, son. It had a nice flow and I like the message it's sending out...Thanks fa your opinion on my shalae drop or whateva that shit was kinda sorry i will admitt but i have some more on the poetry part pleast check them out. Keep droppin tho son you good

  6. #6
    BrayInWav
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Novacain
    Lol, ok. And no son, its poetry... Im not Nelly or J-Kown, this stuff happens. An I see you noticed this piece, which is what Im goin for.
    i know, i was just playin

    Listen to some Immortal Technique, see that this type of things... that inner thigh line... Thats what gets people to noice.
    word, check my siggy, the moving text is I.T. . i dunno, i would still notice if you wrote something like... "as salt sweat drops into his eye" too lol... to be honest, the inner thigh thing kinda grossed me out a bit, no offense.
    Anyways up, thanks for the feed
    np

  7. #7
    Wow, you even broke down my reply to your feedback

    Uppin?

  8. #8
    Back By Popular Demand... ELEETE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
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    San Jose (Bay Area), California
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    42
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    Battle Record
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    Hehe this reminds me of how my shit was way back when...this piece i thought was real good...very creepy but then again it shit that happens alot...real life...your topic an concept i liked...your imagery here was detailed pretty well i thought as well...this was a good read...as you stated this was poetry...so flow doesnt matter to much as would the imagery...and i must say that your ability to keep the story's tone was well done as well...good job...if you get a chance hit my link up...feedback is appreciated...peace...

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  9. #9
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    27
    Battle Record
    1-0
    I like your storytelling. Your imagery was on point, I could picture the whole thing in my mind. Your flow was good, for the most part. A few lines seemed stretched though. Chorus was okay, maybe you could elaborate on it just a little more. There was one thing that disappointed me, I was looking for some insane ending that would cause you to think or go, "Oh damn". Anyways, good drop.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Super Nova
    I like your storytelling. Your imagery was on point, I could picture the whole thing in my mind. Your flow was good, for the most part. A few lines seemed stretched though. Chorus was okay, maybe you could elaborate on it just a little more. There was one thing that disappointed me, I was looking for some insane ending that would cause you to think or go, "Oh damn". Anyways, good drop.
    You know what man, thats excactly what i was looking for lol, but it wasnt coming too me.

    I might work on it one time, see what could happen... Treat this as unfinished

    Uppin

  11. #11

  12. #12
    I dont battle so i dont vote, hit me up with an OM or sumtin an Ill reply to that

    btw, where you get the nova part in your name from? lol

    Anyways, uppity

  13. #13
    Any on the up?????!?!?!

  14. #14
    Po'Ethics
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    London
    Age
    37
    Posts
    1,212
    Battle Record
    6-4
    Nice flow, and vocabulary but I have to agree that I feel that more should happen at the end. It seems as though it builds up to something really big but is actually a bit of an anti-climax. Besides that small technicality and seeing as it is being treated as unfinished then it was a nice drop. I'd have to agree with most things 'Super Nova' pointed out earlier.

    If you could return the favour I'd appreciate it...http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168754

    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives

  15. #15
    Genetic Carnage
    Guest
    Well structed. I could picture the girl and the guy close up and the guy play his 4 inch knife made of steel to her cheek bones. The flow was good, but the wording was a bit off. 7/10

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