Why?

[Haywood Jewblomi]

First of, my replies:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...15#post1863215
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...38#post1863238

Next, my piece:

Why does god always seem to choose to help me?
Could it be that I’ve been chosen to help the world, literally?
Or could the reason for my purpose be to reach one person?
Before whatever situation they’re in gets the chance to worsen?
Could I be here to change the world, or maybe just a nation,
By the words the people hear via a radio station?
Via the music that I make, or the time that I take,
To attempt to make a whole country rise up and awake?
Lake’s and rivers seem to affect all around,
But could I do the same with nothing but my words and assorted sound?
Could I affect a whole people’s structure of thought?
To the extent they rise against all they’ve been taught?
Maybe I shouldn’t assume I’m here to be so great,
Maybe I’m just here to help a great person think and relate,
To a situation he or she is here to solve,
Because the world would never choose me as an object around which to revolve,
Maybe I’m just here to involve myself with a good cause,
On a minor level, like how one soldier affects the course of wars,
But that said, sometimes soldiers can all do great things,
As it’s been for known the bravery of one man to give another hundred wings,
One person can always change a situation,
All it takes is concentration and extreme dedication,
And the will to do the right deed right there and then,
This has been proven throughout history by great women and men,
Whatever the path god chooses to put me before,
I’m sure I’ll be ready, I’m not scared anymore,
Of the possibilities in the future, I have no fear,
Because god won’t let me come to harm if I persevere.


I wrote this piece just to put my thoughts about fate and how it might relate to God into written form. Some people might not like the topic I guess. Up to them though I suppose. What do people think?

[Jai-Cee]

Had a glance, looks good...

I need to go out right now, but I'll reply PROPERLY (Unlike others) a bit later on...

Appreciate the feed on my peice, I will return the favour.

Peace

[D-Generation]

I thought this was a class piece. Some class rhymes and great imagary.

Look forward to reading some more of ur stuff man

I loved this lil part for some reason, just thought it stood out, for me anyway

One person can always change a situation,
All it takes is concentration and extreme dedication,
And the will to do the right deed right there and then,
This has been proven throughout history by great women and men,

Keep up the work man

[The Ruckus]

I like this piece. The topic has been done numerous times in the past, but isn't one that can be overdone. Everyone has their own opinion, their own views so with that you get you're own right to share it with the masses. You kept it simple and didn't need to use vocabulary that makes people thumb through a dictionary. Your work has good structure and is pretty straight forward so you don't have to worry about someone misinterpreting it. I think you could have came up with a better opener, but all in all, very nice.

favorite line:

Could I affect a whole people’s structure of thought?
To the extent they rise against all they’ve been taught?

[Boy Nova]

Great piece of work, nice flow, good rhymes and good structure i dont have a bad thing to say about it. I did like this part:

Could I be here to change the world, or maybe just a nation,
By the words the people hear via a radio station?
Via the music that I make, or the time that I take,
To attempt to make a whole country rise up and awake?


Overall great piece of work.
Holla back

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Thanks forthe feedback everybody. Your comments are highly appreciated.

[Jai-Cee]

Bit of a contradiction regarding God and Fate... Surely there can only be one, and not both? My thoughts on that...

anyways, regarding the verse on a lyrical level...

Flow, nice flow, good rhyme scheme, not to elaborate, but not too simple that it got boring and predictable... You gotta keep people interested when it comes to flow, pridictability is always bad... Only a very slight use of multi rhyming - work on this... It takes practice; nothing else...

Bar structure, was decent, bit choopy and stretched at times, but it didn't happen to often so this was only a minor problem. But overall it worked throughout.

Imagery, personally I thought it lacked a bit of this... It was good in its choice of words, but I couldn't see in my minds eye what you were saying... Try and write words, that paint pictures in people's heads. Its usually difficult, and for some people it comes naturally... However I don't think you made an effort to incorporate any so it wasn't a failed attempt, you should just try and uncluded some perhaps in your next piece...

Vocab, good effort on the vocab - nothing to elaborate, which made it an easier read. You don't need to thumb through a dictionary to include decent vocab, I'm sure you got a decent vocabulary anyways. Just try and get creative with your choice of descriptive words...

Don't think anything I've said above is a cuss to your work, its not, just constructive criticism.

Overall, good work, nice intelligent and emotional piece that raised a few questions for me... I like that sort of stuff so keep coming with it...

Peace...

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Thanks for the feedback Jai-Cee. Much appreciated.

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Upping again.

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Upping again. Comments from anybody?

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Upping again. Anymore comments from anybody?