Self-Portrait

[spokenoh]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=150982
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...88#post1775388

To 'Nique and SMZ...

Self-Portrait

The mirror is either too broad or too specific
When my handwriting is too sloppy and Im not artistic
Illicit views on my inferior exterior
What time can catch is visible, with morals on my interior

I used to want to develop myself and draw a self-portrait
To crumple up those paper scraps of stick men for a more fit
Depiction of my complection, less horrid than I think
With a life of contentment, it's boring and I dont drink
I want to ensure that I won't blink, miss a fragile moment
With a stable hand, diligent plan with pastles-holding
My head, tilted to sow an image, beyond the gimmicks
To con these mental limericks, the blood and simmer it
But when I consider this difficult procedure to cut the mullet
The way I depict and portray is how I depict a stick man's way
This individual bullet gives me inspiration for today
And my Bible grasps the hope of tomorrow if priorities delay
From my imagination I see a sculpted body of lust
But that thought is Godly in many eyes as daughty of rust
Is a good summarization of everything I ever encountered
Without much approval of my looks, and too pretty to be a bouncer
Your first assumption of a loiter-er, a bum with two cents
Would be of a skinny, pasty crumb, surpassin' a nusense
Just a burden on the mean of society, expressing meaning
But I was a spoiled egg, with malnurished semen, a median
And uncompassionate as a mode, ranging from 1 to ten
Zero men have made me feel sympathetic, from mom to friends
Zero gens have layed me a foundation worthy of an Atlas
Cause I'm the Atlas they put their needs upon this sadness
Wherever dad went, maybe he can supply the mirror I need
Cause he conceived a demon of neglect and has clearer feed
On my resemblance, every second a light once beckoned
Has been burnt out from alcohol or dumbly directed
Introspect; a word reserved for the poetic or a mourner
And autopsy; a noun of those who found me..
From the medics to coroner...

I envied the portrayal of my facial and looks
Thru the fascination of imagination, all it took
Was the neglect of a child without a beautiful smile
And they took my picture of a broken life upon floor tiles

For all the children and people on this planet who never knew how magnificent and majestic their wings really were...

Peace.

[SMZ]

pretty nice - I already gave you some feed on AIM - had some nice lines - tone was consistent - flow was pretty good at the beginning - fell off some as it progressed - but was still decent - overall nice work - keep at it - peace

[Neruda II]

Very emotional. It seems that you really dug deep within yourself to let out all this emotion, like you didn't hold back at all. The flow was off at times but I think it was because I was reading it too slow, when I sped up my pace, it seemed fine to me. The vocabulary was great, it fit in well, it definetely added to the piece. Some pieces seem out of place with a larger vocabulary but with the emotions and imagery that you were portraying, I think that the general theme to the piece would have been damaged greatly without your vocabulary skills. Your tone was pretty much the same throughout the whole, I think that if it was spoken outloud that I could have felt the tone greatly rise and fall at places(kinda like a sage francis type of thing). It was very creative, like SMZ said, you had some nice lines, clever but subtle. I'm still trying to figure out what all the lines mean. You kept your ambiguity so the reader had to think more(which is good) about what your meaning is but you also kept the emotion there. I think this is a very great piece you have. I wish I could leave more feedback but I have to go to school.

[Ace of Aces]

^this guy said pretty much all that could be said. the emotion in this piece was guaranteed to be the strongest. the message you sent in my eyes was great, im pretty sure a lot of people could relate to this. excellent imagery and word choice you used in here. the flow went well with everything, kept me reading without getting annoyed and what not. overall, i was feeling this piece easy. props on this.

check this piece of mine out:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=151671

might like it.

thanks.

peACE

[spokenoh]

Thanks for the great replies guys. Any links I will take. Up.

[Sublime D]

this was very good pin...your emotional struggle...it's entrancing...your works show the progression of your spirit and mind...

this piece was good...nice structure..nice flow, very tight...the content was dope...
everything about this was good..no real criticisms...

9.5/10

[Laureate]

Great emotion, great story, great piece.

Only think I can say in criticism, is the syllable count seemed to be off at times near the middle/endish. your wordchoice was good, not simple and not over complex...Imagry was dope also man....a very good drop...keep at it

please peep "Depths of Thought" in my sig

[spokenoh]

^Thanks. The syllable shit is irrelevent, because I used it for emotion purposes...near the climate, speeding tempo, etc.
To Lyric, I will hit up that collab on Monday - I will be away for a few days. Peace.

[spokenoh]

Up.

[snakeyes]

I like your style but at the same time i just don't understand what you are talking about dog. But don't trip, you will get better at it. I know i aint a big shot to critcize but i do know something when i see it and your shit got potential.

[spokenoh]

^Thanks for the reply. If you were to read it carefully, you would have realized it is about how I hate myself because of my complection and body.

[Mesmerize]

Very nice peice, peeknuckle. Like everyone said you had some great emotion in this. I love the unique style you approach things with. The words you chose werent so much the same words we see rhymed over and over, and your vocab was certainly at a great level. The imagery in this was great as well. You really grabbed my attention with this and impressed me once again. The only thing I noticed that was kinda out of place was the flow..it was a bit choppey in places but isnt really a big deal because the emotion and tone made up for it...very nice job man. Keep it up.

Peace,
Mez