The Beast

[Nique.]

She's hurting & fragile; The pain leaves her deserted & shallow
Nervous she battles as its frame weaves & lurks in the shadow
Burning to scramble; Its smite, its glare, & its schemes
Disturbed & dismantled; Fights the nightmares & the dreams
Hides & stares through the sheets; A victim within a flaw
Barely can bare the scene; Its inchin..its vengance, its claws
She was strickened & lost; Its eyes, a savage, its power
She was rendered a cause; Of cries in the after hours
It grabs & devours; A predator, its invading, it prowls
She's trapped in with this coward; Its temptation & growls
Its vexation & sounds; The eyes of never-ending darkness
Its impatience would hound; Her pride was sentenced with harshness
It was an ending to start with; The act foul & within this demon
She was the target; Its aroused & was excreting secretions
Its fiending deceiving; Its lies holding & grasping the sin
Its semen released and...its provoked & harassing its kin..
She's gasping and then..; It turns to choking & muffles
Its attacking again; Its groping, moaning, then shuffles..
..out the door to cuddle; With its mate within its cave
Her tears turn to puddles; The hate engraved from being a slave

From days to years..

Horrific nights still there; Now a teen from a youth
Childhood scripted with terror; Pages & scenes of abuse
She was beaten & used; Soul crushed & mind distorted
No cover-up, fallopian tubes tied after the abortion
Vaginal walls forced open; Lost her innocence at eight
Her thoughts unspoken; Her beginning ended with fate
No help or kin to relate; She was young & made accusations
Wasn't up for debate; They said "She just has an imagination"
It was true..the claws, the growls, the glare, the temptation
A predator, its smite, a savage, its prowling, its invasion
No authority, no psyche arrangements; No hope, no honor
Just hell on earth she's attaining; No armor for this monster
Her life was down under; The chaos, the fuss, the tragedy
This was a sad play of all plays, like Oedipus & Antigone
A Christian exploiting blashemy; No one's saving her, but she..
Has tried passionately to kill it & shake this beast...
But until then, the nights become cold...it pulls at the door..
....familiar eyes, she folds...the wood squeaks on the floor
It gets nearer & nearer...to feast with its rapid attack..
She fears 'em....The Beast...."Daddy's Back"...


Elaboration: Oedipus and Antigone are brother/father and son. If you read the book, Oedipus was a King who married his mother without him knowing that it was his mother, so yea, you get it. Incest.

I replied to:
Char-Lee "A Son's Life"
Diction- Destination: Unsure
J Beast- With No One

[Sergio...]

opt, i must have inspired this..*reads*

[Richard Parker]

comments: overall, this started out extremely nicely. the detail kkept me reading anxiously for the first 8 lines or so. and, i'd like to add that overall it was a great story. but flaws, its better to focus on flaws than to focus on what was already good. Your 'twist' .. was nonexistant, to me at least. Im not sure if you meant the ending to be a surprise but it wasn't a surprise to me at all ... and in a story of such vivid detail one would be almost expected. you did have action in the story... but some of it was too off target to really be more than a metaphor - for example;

She's hurting & fragile; The pain leaves her deserted & shallow
Nervous she battles as its frame weaves & lurks in the shadow
Burning to scramble; Its smite, its glare, & its schemes
Disturbed & dismantled; Fights the nightmares & the dreams

there was action happening throughout the detail, but some 'traditional' action would have been good. its hard to explain, but this story was a huge metaphor, (and a good one), but there was very little action that was not part of the metaphor. (the metaphor as to the man being a beast). it would have been better with some human aspect added to it . oh, one more flaw: i think you in some parts stated your action / details with too blandly... example. .

Her life was down under; The chaos, the fuss, the tragedy

"the chaos the fuss the tragedy" .. your just listing off actions that pertain to your story - you have to prove to the reader WHY there was chaos, WHY there was fuss, why there was tragedy .. you did this listing technique in a few parts of the story without explaining enough, i feel that detracted greatly, (at least stopped it from being legendary)...after a while it got boring. With a bit more work this could have been legendary. but one of the better OM's ive read in a while.

I give this OM a 9 / 10 .

[Nique.]

Thanks for the constructive criticism, but I did the naming off actions on purpose simply because those 40 lines would of turned into 100 lines easily, especially the way I write. If I would of over-analyzed my metaphor it would of been too detailed and my piece would of been overloaded with unecessary babbling. And of course, I wouldn't have gotten any responses because people are lazy in general when it comes to reading long pieces. And the twist, I do agree with you, my twist wasn't an eye opener, but I know my first part did throw people off because of the way I described the man..with claws and such..a monster, when truly, it was just the way the daughter saw him. And I didn't even think this was close to legendary, but thanks anyway.

This is for a tourney, so I'll tweak it a little bit.

-Nique

[noncentz]

all and all this was abstract which isnt bad but your delivery would add to its full depth typing doesnt.i feel the feeling skill talent idea and direction which is rair for me when i read peoples work. i see so much in ur talent i have a feeling u will do great here fine tune a lil more and u will see.

[Chris Black]

This was the best piece I've read in the open mic forum this week. I like the shadowy imagery. You vividly describe what's happening, but not who/what it's by. That's a nice touch. The flow was smooth, and the concept was fairly original. This is the best piece I've read from you. Nice job. I'm nominating it for OM of thr month.

My Open Mic: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=148031

-W1

[Born To Kill]

Great piece...

I can see you put effort like a motherfucker into this...

That's to be commended.

Disgusting content, though.

But, being a daddy...to a little girl...

I oughta think the shit's disgusting.

Peace

[Richard Parker]

Thanks for the constructive criticism, but I did the naming off actions on purpose simply because those 40 lines would of turned into 100 lines easily, especially the way I write. If I would of over-analyzed my metaphor it would of been too detailed and my piece would of been overloaded with unecessary babbling. And of course, I wouldn't have gotten any responses because people are lazy in general when it comes to reading long pieces. And the twist, I do agree with you, my twist wasn't an eye opener, but I know my first part did throw people off because of the way I described the man..with claws and such..a monster, when truly, it was just the way the daughter saw him. And I didn't even think this was close to legendary, but thanks anyway.

This is for a tourney, so I'll tweak it a little bit.

-Nique

good point about nobody reading... lol

[Nique.]

Thanks Wicked. Woot.

[Sublime D]

this was good...
extremely good flow
excellent structure
beautiful imagery
beautiful concept (overdone...but you did it well)
also..i won't call the ending a twist, because it was obvious after the first stanza...i mean...the way you ended it was kinda liek a twist, but it wasn't a twist..anyway...
you didn't overload this..jsut the right amount of detail...i tend to overdo my pieces..you kep teh flow tight, the story tight, the reader interested, and ended the piece before the reader loses interest
strong voice....excpetionally done
the speaker was good as well...
this is just so well written...
kudos mami...
10/10

for you in particular...
9.4/10...you're capable of more..you great writer you...make me look like an amateur

[SMZ]

cool piece - the progression was fairly steady thus the closer didn't hit very hard because it was already expected - the drama reference was nicely done - the scheme was good as usual - imagery was pretty good - emotion was on target but could've been a bit harder - nice work - yep - your name stays in my sig

[Chucky East]

this is hot man,
10 out 10, i don't know what to say. Everything flow, voice all that technical crap was killed and nailed in this.
Thumbs up