House Rules
Topic: If She Came Back
Due: Thursday Midnight - Eastern Time
G/L!
Peace
House Rules
Topic: If She Came Back
Due: Thursday Midnight - Eastern Time
G/L!
Peace
^ You forget about the line limit.
Whatever.
I will be lead by my heart and mental.
In...
Title 'If She Came Back'
I was Blinded-
A dream was fu-filled , when a dove entered my life,
Opened me and my heart excepted you as my wife.
You labeled me your Knight. Nothing but labels fables
Myths to keep use stable, Out my life, fallen Angel!
-
I gave you all I had, my trust, heart everything I got
putting hours into the relationship like a work of art.
But you kept brushing the strokes of love far apart.
You never trusted me, and had the nerve to cheat!
My heart spews out the feelings, Now I'm left bleak.
-
Season changed you've Fallen off my life-less tree.
Abused my roots and nerves, dead are my feelings!
Banished, from inhaling the breath of a kiss from Bio
and the air of another man can never give you H20.
We will forever grow but not together weather your
bad storms alone, no love for you never-more.
-
I probably would have committed suicide I already tried,
from the grief you left blessed without your endless lies.
I graduated college, but if you was here I would have slipped
Cause you stayed calling me, asking me "Whose this B*tch"
-
If you was to come back just would be more pain
just re-frame yourself in the picture ,alone I can maintain.
But yet you consistently call and harass me, will I let you in,
"Come Back To Meee" I admit to my ears it's like sweet Hymns.
I talked it over with my heart as it still does beat for my Angel,
I'll let you back cause my feelings over-rides my Mental.
True Story!
checking in................................................ ....
(It's a true story too, not copying him, it happened to me with a girl I was dating for 2 and a half years)
My mind continues to play, those days we spent together.
The night time pleasures and picnics ruined by the weather.
Letters wrote to each other, expressing how we both felt.
But love died a thousand deaths, as hate to each other was dealt.
As our hearts began to melt, alot of seasons passed by.
So high on love, we passed heaven, just to reach it's skies.
Why we met each other, I'll never know, only God does.
Now our love is gone, past tense, it used to be, it was.
Kisses and hugs, just to show each other the amount we cared.
But in your time of needs and hurt, I was the only one there.
We shared joy, with no voids, just a life built for best.
We'd watch sun rise in the east, make love while it set in the west.
The rest of men treated you wrong, but I gave you my heart.
My soul, my love, my life, you helped all come out of the dark.
Things changed over time, my mind knew love was a crime.
But as our relationship collapsed, I pretended everything was fine.
You cheated on me, made me feel like shit, made me depressed.
Still I continued to love you so, my love for you grew no less.
Parts of me were given to you, I wanted you in all my lives.
Nobody could replace you, I'd pick nobody else, no other wives.
Is you came back, I'd never take you, just let depression reign.
Even if she changed, things between us will never be the same.
To everyone else reading this poem, here's a warning to heed.
If your love can't grow strong, then while would you plant the seed.
uppin x1.............................will return the favour with an honest vote.......
Bio-I liked the story you told although a lot of the rhymes seemed forced. You started off kinda week then built it up in the middle but it got week again. You had some good emotion in some places but it wasnt consistant. Vocab couldve been stronger, as well as imagery. The best parts where the second paragraph, also "Season changed you've Fallen off my life-less tree.
Abused my roots and nerves, dead are my feelings!"
seven- your verse had more emotion in it. The imagery was decent and it flowed much better than bios. The vocab couldve been a bit stronger but i dont feel it neccisarily hurt either peice. you kept my attention with this. Best lines was the first paragraph and "Things changed over time, my mind knew love was a crime.
But as our relationship collapsed, I pretended everything was fine.
You cheated on me, made me feel like shit, made me depressed.
Still I continued to love you so, my love for you grew no less."
vote- seven
can you please return a favor and vote on this...its being slept on really bad. I know you cant though, Bio because your in Macabre's crew but Se7en, please hit this up. thanks http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144501
awwwwwwwwwww
you guys are soooo sweeeeeet and emotional
i guess thugs cry too
lmfao @ fuckiin cry babies
Honestly, I think Se7en got this.
Bio, I liked how you used a true story to explain the topic, but a big thing that ws missing for me was the emotion. Vocab was mediocre, imagery was on point, but everything seemed pretty basic. Had a few really nice lines, but you never held any sort of consistency. Work on intertwining creativity and emotion with your words and bars.
Se7eN, Again..the true story approach is unique. Probably the thing that stood out the most in your verse was how everything came together so smoothly. Had alotta feeling in this and the creativity was strong. Held my interest the whole way through and I think you just did a better overall job of explaining and sticking to the topic. Prolly only thing to work on is your imagery a little and step up the vocab. Nice read.
Vote / Se7eN
Both had a god story to it! but some Rhymes seemed Forced by both peoples. But over all..... yall was ok!
But im looking for somebody to battle!!!!!!
I guess I look at things totally different...
Emotion wise metaphor wise....
and when it comes to a poem flow
wise isn't seriously stressed....
but ama shut up....sike...
HOW THE HELL CAN U SAY I LACKED EMOTION....
F-ing
uppin x2...................................Vote People.......~~~+
Actually..I think Bio got this. I mean..don't get me wrong, it was a damn close battle..but here's how I saw it.
Bio's was a good story..he used good terminology and language to tell the story. Imagery was decent..not top notch, but decent. Emotion was also good. Some rhymes were a bit forced, but nothing ridiculous. Overall..this was a good drop, nothing fantastic, but good.
Seven..you basically copied Bio's take on this topic..but that doesn't really matter because you told it differantly. Vocab was ok. Emotion was top-notch. Imagery was decent. Some rhymes were forced as well.
So basically it comes down to who's verse I enjoyed more, as both of them were technically almost equal. My vote goes to Bio..but damn close.
/v Bio
DQed for suspicious voting, since they were both in the same crews not long ago. -Token
Last edited by Token; September 15th, 2004 at 12:07 PM
uppin x3.....................Vote and I'm returning the favour with honest votes..........Tonight for everyone who has voted, and not d/r votes, juss honest votes, like I always do
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