Broken Piggybank

[Mesmerize]

This was supposed to be a freeverse topic for Intricate Emotions but I didnt get to use it considering my first opponent was a no show and the other broke the rules, so I figured Id atleast post it in here...

Broken Piggybank



Concealed beneath night’s terrain of shadows
The plateau of life’s destiny spawns her thoughts…
Masked in onyx, body shaken of an abstained conscience
She awaits once more…
Gazing into the hands of this prominent tower
Sanity is lost as she sees it as the face of God…
Poverty raced death and took her life by a mile
Spreading with disease from her blood to her child
The night’s shadows turn into drowning tears
Drenching her soul with melancholy
The time has come….
Through the skylight, she repelled…
The sanctum, lavished with currency, captivated eyes
An abrupt presence, crept over her heart
Like a spider spinning its prey, it was trapped and asphyxiated
The compassionate blood that ran through her veins
Was constricted into a calloused nothing
It was too late….
The mark of the beast branded her soul
She had sacrificed the gift of empathy
For the pleasure of hell’s prosperity…
She was lost, trapped by a corrupted mind
This piggybank was broken but there was something left behind…

[Telekinetic]

Dopeness honey.
You would have won anyway.
Don't sleep on this people.

[Tim]

The time has come….
Through the skylight, she repelled…
The sanctum, lavished with currency, captivated eyes
An abrupt presence, crept over her heart
Like a spider spinning its prey, it was trapped and asphyxiated


those lines had me nice piece great topical free verse you had a lot of emotion in it really great piece enjoyed it

[Bloom.Quist]

Who cares about the poem? Mes is a sexy beast

sowwy tele .

This was dope. You can see your talent throughout it. I gotta do homework sorry for the weak feed. Peace

[Mesmerize]

thanks guys...upping

[Prince Escobar]

Okay, your talent is as evident in this as a unibrow on a cute chick. You are a VERY good writer, your choice of words is unique and propels the originality and power of this piece. Your imagery and vocab are also unique to you and are a credit to this piece, the vocab in particular let you know whats happening but tells you whats happening in a way you wouldnt think of. To dumb it down it was like saying "this girl is going down on me sucking like Maggie Simpson" as opposed to saying "Im getting head" lol forgive the reference but i really enjoyed the complexity of this and the way you were able to convey your message eloquently, good drop, respect, 1luv.

[Mesmerize]

wow, thanks a lot

[Mesmerize]

uppin

[spokenoh]

Fookin' good drop.

Imagery was very well crafted, with detailed descriptions and vivid sensoryship. Your choice of words was very ept for this scenario, and you took a more intricate look on this than I expected. Free verse has nothing to do with meter, flow, or rhyme scheme. Good job, it's only a freeverse so I won't give a huge reply. Complexity was consistant, and all unravelled later on. Peace.

[Mesmerize]

thanks peeknuckle

[WingsOfAngels]

Wow mez a very emotioal complex piece

I'll start with your flow....well it didnt need to flow because of the nature of the piece...but it read easy, and keep well leveled out thoughout the poem, also the structure isnt nessisary in this poem, but it was also easy to follow......

The writers voice is the main thing in a poem to me....and you have exceled yourself within this....it was very complex and took me 3 times to actually get what you were bringing across to the reader....now i'm not sure if this is what you ment...but i think that this is a poem about an abused mother, who in the coldness of night gets ruffed up by for husband/partner! what gave me this thought was these lines: -

Gazing into the hands of this prominent tower
Sanity is lost as she sees it as the face of God…

^^ i might be completly wrong...but i think your showing the power of the man....and she can not stand up to him!!

also these line: -

Spreading with disease from her blood to her child
The night’s shadows turn into drowning tears

^^i think this mean...what happens to her will effect her child...and also she cried at night!!

Your vocab was top notch......as it made me think alot more about this beautiful write....and added the words it needed to touch me!

Overall this is a wonderfully produced piece of poetry....which i though had a hidden message (but i could be wrong)....keep it up girl....your my idol

9.4/10

pz

[Mesmerize]

Thanks buddy, but this was actually about a mother who is living a life of poverty that is so bad that she feels she has no choice but to rob a bank.

[WingsOfAngels]

lol way off

[GaMeSTa]

"Who cares about the poem? Mes is a sexy beast "

Lol, but I'm sexier... sorry no hate against you tho

[Sublime D]

this was hot mesmerize...not just good or nice....this was hot...it had that poetic x factor...that energy that pushes it above everything else....i love this..i love the rhythm....i love the energy....i love the relaxed immeadiacy of the action...this was sublime...respect...

9.6/10