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Thread: Never.

  1. #1
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    Sep 2003
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    Battle Record
    9-6

    Never.

    I was made to dance across the cobblestones in my bare feet,
    Cutting my toes and slicing my heels, bathing my skin in a ruby sin,
    Burning my feeble legs in the scalding heat
    But not once did I complain.

    I was forced to clean up after the mess of others,
    Working all day on my hands and knees, scrubbing and polishing,
    Till my hands were raw and dead flesh peeled from my fingers.
    But they did not hear me complain.

    I was treated like vermon, in my own home. Beaten and punched daily,
    Scolded for breathing too loudly, until the day they turned me away,
    And i survived on the streets, alone and helpless, starving for food,
    Craving the love, the love of which i'd been robbed.
    Deprived since the day I was born. Still I did not complain.
    I skipped merrily along, with a smile on my face,
    Still holding belief and a warmth in my faith.
    I did not complain. I did not feel the need.
    As i hobbled and crawled, searching for a place to rest my head,
    A place to sleep and dream of what may have been.
    Still I did not complain. Because I had known no different.
    And you'll never miss what you didn't have.




    not really a scheme here...i don't think anyone will like it much..just an idea i had.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17125
    Def Poets

  2. #2
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    May 2002
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    New Jerusalem
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    Battle Record
    8-6
    ^ liked the idea but i think your emotion or rather lack thereof really took away from what this could have been. Your imagery was pretty good but i feel that the one thing that would have really made this piece better was emotion, it just wasnt impactful to me. It's good to see your improvement in the imagery area and your vocab is good on this piece as well flow, etc, everything fell into place with the exception of emotion, good piece with greater potential, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  3. #3
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    May 2003
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    Awards LLL Season Champion LLL HOF 200+ Wins
    Great emotion and story...

    Yeah, rhyme scheme sucked, but there's all kinds of poetry...

    I don't fault the rhyme scheme at all unless that's what you were going for.

    I read this as pure emotion and view of the world.

    And your shit is deep.
    Great poem, you're a strong writer, just unpolished.

    Peace

  4. #4
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    Sep 2003
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    36
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    ^wow...thanks.
    Def Poets

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