In Bed

[Scarcasm]

In Bed
In your bed where eyes are always closed
He can never see your misconduct
You’re secure in feeling that no one knows
Or all will choose to ignore your shortcomings
Rather than to lose faith in our image of you
as is customary one closes her eyes in bed

In your bed where his eyes are always closed
the explicit signs like an unmistakable scent
cannot be lost in those soft sheets
but when his eyes close they become
a trivial detail in some obscure dream
as is customary he closes his eyes in bed

In your bed where my eyes are always closed
I cannot see the fact that I am in violation
I am always capable but never culpable
his feelings are not my responsibility
and I’m still the man I want to be
as is customary I close my eyes in bed



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=139869

[Scarcasm]

c'mon yall tell me what you think

[Scarcasm]

why won't anyone post?

[Laureate]

Sorry fo the inactivity of this sometimes...here ya go

I liked how you started off each section with the same line...made your point clearer...the msg I got from this was...te bed is like a 'safe zone' where you can block out the bad things that happen and dream about happier things...the rhyme scene was unigue and you mixed in some nice vocab...try to concentrate on imagry and emotion more...keep at it man

please peep man http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=140185

[Foreshadow]

This was a good poem Dubois. You had a nice structure for everything you were saying. I was feeling this and I can sort of relate because you dont know what she is thinking when she is asleep she could be thinking of another man. But you had some okay content the only real faults in this piece it seemd that you repeated some of the things you said before nice job.

[Moniker]

this was nice. kind of short but long enough to be impactful and get your point across. i like how you repeated the first line but altered it each time. and same with the last. the imagery was alright, could have been a little more discriptive. and emotion was decent, but could have been stronger. if you just worked on those two aspects. it would help you writing tremendously. im not saying this was bad tho, i enjoyed it and think you did a good job. just trying to help you improve.