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Thread: some shit i wrote

  1. #1
    MC_Merc
    Guest

    some shit i wrote

    Baby, remember how you used tell me that you loved my rugged image,
    But now we cant communicate, well ya cant go past the line of scrimmage
    You said that you wanted me, but baby I let you down, and gave ya frown
    Baby I was so immature, baby if I was a king I’d give up ma crown
    Just to be with you, babe I would kill just to spend a night out with you
    Must be n I luv,I never felt this way, I guess in this case my love is true
    Just tell wat can I do, we chose our separate paths,, that cancel out each otha
    Trust betrayed , by your click ,cuz sum financial shit, now we sperated foreva
    But lemme tell you before I’m gone, I wanted you, yo soul baby just you
    Out of all the girls I would sleep I want you, spend time, puff dimes wit you
    But sadly the tides of time pushed u out of the way, I dreamed of makin luv
    To a beautiful blonde, but for now its so long, god gimme or take me above
    Through you departure, every second was hell, and finally it rings a bell
    That I should stayed ahead of the game, not play lame, now I’m cursed
    I wouldn’t mine knowing, that if I don’t get you,tomorrow I get hearsed
    Well now I tryin tell you how I feel, but you say I cant cause of groups
    So now I stay home a lot, boardin on fruity loops, slagin n playin hoops
    But I want you, but if you don’t want me I guess that’s to bad, cause my life
    Is worthless piece of trash, I struggle to get by, but it would be better by yo side
    Just wanted tell you, girl your special, I want you back , don’t need money
    Hopefully you miss me too, at if I’m gone maybe your eyes will get a lil runny
    Sayin damn that best boy I’ve been with, hje actually gave a fuck about me
    But ii just wanted you to know that your worth a universe without you honey
    Yo girl I want you to let me touch your chest and so I can get you heart back
    Yo body ,your mind, your soul is like greater then Venus, a true art artifact

  2. #2

  3. #3
    MC_Merc
    Guest
    eeeeeeelllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooo

  4. #4
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    over there..around tha corner by tha crack house
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    19
    that was some nice shyt dude.. i posted bout tha same shyt check it out

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=138404


    ur structure can be a lil better

    but i got 6 posts..what do i know

    Peace

  5. #5
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    over there..around tha corner by tha crack house
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    19
    ya kidd'n me riiight.. lol give me an example.. how did it not rhyme?

    J/c

  6. #6
    Newbie
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    Jul 2004
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    leave my dude alone.. hes new at this shyt.. and hes doin better..

    notice u didnt mention ne of my shyt tho...

    And if u read a lil faster, u could tell that this rhymed..

    If there's one thing u should know, know this
    I love tha way u act, smile, laugh, walk, talk ~infact~
    U drive me wiled, Everytime u come'around ~its bliss~


    If there's one thing u should know, know that..
    Id take a bullet 4 u, always treat ya good nvr ~lie~
    And b a shoulder u can "cry" on, n thats a fact..
    To some one special i dedicate this to, and if its u
    Then now u know, All tha feelings i have ~in store~ < tha rest was wierd i
    admitt, lol but i was in a hurry to toke

    Its all good.. u had some good shyt.. i aint gonna lie cuz u thynk my shyt didnt rhyme.. we all have or own opionion..thanx for urs.. feedback is what i wanted..it sucks is what i got.. so.. Peace
    Last edited by Tha Kid; July 21st, 2004 at 01:47 AM

  7. #7
    MC_Merc
    Guest
    that would screw up the flow in alota ways

  8. #8
    G-Money
    Guest
    u sound sprung nigga, is that cuz thats ur only gurl that u ever had??!! n e ways how u gon say i suck when u real garbage.... i mean u probably feel good cuz a real newbie said it was coo, n e ways elevate major n imma keep the same in mind...gone

  9. #9
    MC_Merc
    Guest
    yo you dint even say why i suck? your gonna die.

  10. #10
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Mifflinburg, PA
    Posts
    6,693
    Battle Record
    12-1
    This was ok man....I like reading the love stuff haha...But yeah structure could use some work though....Shorten the lines up a bit cause that threw the flow off of the piece, should try to keep them all around the same length or same syllabol count...the content of this was alright, i just think it could have been better maybe, just not really into the approach you took to it but it made a good read none the less...overall a decent piece here.

  11. #11
    Newbie
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    over there..around tha corner by tha crack house
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    not if u rhyme good, and u stick to tha sylablles<--- i know i spelled that wrong. i dont give a fuck tho u know what i mean..peace

  12. #12
    MC_Merc
    Guest
    because ihave a habit of witing in free verse and then modifying it, so i get lazy

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