When the Day comes

[Genocide21]

When the Day Comes

Waiting for the day when my dream of marrying my one true love to come true
Giving her the ring of eternity, I love her so much; in return she loves me too
Standing there patiently, thinking of my vows that I must try to honestly keep
As she walks down the isle, all is astound by her dress cause there is no sound or peep
Lifting her veil over her face, only to see that she cries for happiness and joy to come
So I play it cool, although I’m thinking about what I can do with her when I go home
The priests makes us repeat after the words that of our wedding vows
We must show our love, respect to one another, plus to keep our love for each other we must work hard like an ox pulling a plow
At the end of these, we had said our I do’s, then kissed one another
Soon to know that after this she’ll be a beautiful mother
Looking in your eyes and seeing you shed some more tears of delight
Dancing with you on the dance floor I hold her body real tight
Whisper in your ear that I love you and ill take care of you when you’re sick
Our love will be like glue you can't tear us apart cause our love will be so thick
Hoping for this magical day of love and Prayin' for the girl that i soon love
Hey cupid please help and be on my side, also fly love dove...
For you have some work to be done

Tell me if it needs more help......THANKS DAWGS

[aSap iLL]

wow.....
structure was really bad made the peice really hard to read,
flow was okay, sequence was iight had nice feeling good emotion's , some parts made no sense to me but hey you really suprise me that coming from a newb ,., well overall pretty good nice job

[Ace of Aces]

That was pretty nice dog. never thought you'd drop a verse in here, but this was good. nice imagery in this. the whole wedding vows thing was dope. some areas could be fixed but i liked this man. see ya.

[Genocide21]

thanx dawgs just wonderin if you guess help me out

[Genocide21]

uppin for more feedback from more people

[Genocide21]

yo can ya all check this poem out homies....

also this one
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=128151

[Neruda II]

I really wasn't feeling it...the message was that you're looking for a love, you really wish you could have that magical girl that comes and makes everything better. Also, it is about your self image, you see yourself as a good guy. You think that you can be a great husband, a great boyfriend, and a good man in general. Well, thats just the way I saw it.

Technical. Emotion was there, but it was clouded by an astounoshing amount of flaws. The emotion was love, wanting, and serenity. I felt that you put a great deal of effort into making it a good out reach for your emotion, but completely forgot about the technical aspects of the piece. Structure made it very very hard to read. The lines went on too long and caused it to read in a astranged way. I suggest trying to make the lines more even and shorter to make the flow more smooth. It's easy to make short lines but in the proccess of that, remember not to lose emotion just because of structure, try to find a balance and a style of your own. Vocabulary could have been better also. You did use some good vocabulary to make great imagery but in about 80 percent of the piece, you lacked the right vocabulary. Try using the words that you think best describe the emotion of your poem. Well, overall it was pretty bad, but since you are new to this...it wasn't that horrible. Keep writing, you'll surely have a promosing writing hobby. (as told to me when I first started writing)

[Genocide21]

yo thanx........for the critiques that you have given me...cause i can use it to improve it

[Genocide21]

I need more help for this one...............come on homies.......................help me to improve it

[shawty"B"]

overall i felt the emotion...and imagery was real good....

structure....your lines were goin all over tha place...(jus try n keep that in tha back ah yah head when you write yah peices because as you write more you wont hafta worry bout it cause it will jus come out naturally)

vocab...it was pretty good but don look at me to judge it cause im not real big in tha vocab specs ah poetry...if it sounds good then its fine...

this however did flow out pretty nicely....

keep droppin
elevate...ill be lookin out for sum more from yah

....bless

[Genocide21]

thanx lots,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,give me more feedback..........................................

[Genocide21]

can i get this to the top...............need some mo' feedback...........................
^^^to the top...

[ILLusions]

Hmmm...I read this a few times and the first time i was thinking this was kinda hard to read but after I read it again I saw where you were going with this. I like the whole concept..marriage and stuff. Although it had nice meaning it felt like you were holding something back. Not quite sure exactly what but it was nice. The set up was good just let ya feelings go more.

[Genocide21]

thanx for the feedbacks......................................... ..............looking for more..........PEACE