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Thread: - Train Wreck -

  1. #1
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    - Train Wreck -

    - Christmas Eve -

    .. A man sits alone reading .. listening to the fireplace ..
    .. It crackles violently .. the warmth forever embraced ..
    .. Cause today was different .. he thought of his daughter Grace ..
    .. And his heart would race everytime he envisioned her face ..
    .. But you see it's Christmas Eve .. and unfortunately his wallet is empty ..
    .. If he didn't get his daughter a gift both their hearts'd be empty ..
    .. The thought was unsettling .. but out of nowhere he sparked an idea ..
    .. To make money via shoveling snow - the old fasioned way ..
    .. He glanced at the gray clouds .. knowing it was gonna rain ..
    .. The shovel weighed eight pounds .. n' this man was almost fifty ..
    .. So carrying it by his waist can also be risky ..
    .. But this was irrelevant .. he'd been givin' superhuman strength ..
    .. Given by God was this power .. till' he had money was it's length ..
    .. No need to quench his thirst .. cause' his daughter came first ..
    .. He'd rather steal a purse .. and get Grace what she wanted ..
    .. But when he eye-balled the idea it's face became haunted ..
    .. He fought to stay undaunted .. then walked up to a small house ..
    .. Twas covered with Christmas decorations .. fortunately it was unplowed ..
    .. His devilish frown turned upside down .. then he stepped up to the porch ..
    .. Walked up with a pure heart .. unhesitantly he knocked on the door ..
    .. An older woman answered .. she was overweight and in her forties ..
    .. Out of courtesy she said do the the sidewalk .. n' I'll give you thirty ..
    .. He tried his hardest to hold in his emotions .. cause now hope was alive ..
    .. Thriving on the thought of how he could bring his daughter love ..
    .. He picked up the shovel .. and put on the old withered gloves ..
    .. Slightly above 10 degrees .. but this only increased his arthritis ..

    ...............
    ....
    ...............


    .. He finally was finished .. but it took him over an hour ..
    .. n' Though he smelled rancid .. he didn't think of a shower ..
    .. The quick yet powerful journey .. had surely left it's mark ..
    .. For now he could afford a gift for his daughter and gas for the car ..
    .. Which was parked in the driveway .. it was an ugly neon truck ..
    .. But it got him from Point A to Point B .. so he didn't give a fuck ..
    .. He started it up .. and meanwhile had yet another plot ..
    .. He remembered how his daughter had told him what she wanted ..
    .. She had said "Papa I want that wittle train that Amy's got ! ..
    .. Then he remembered her pointing to the windows of the old pawn shop ..
    .. So that's where headed .. and then he turned into the parking lot ..
    .. He then got out of the truck .. and proceeded to go in to the store ..
    .. Greeted an employee .. she wore a red n' white colored uniform ..
    .. He quickly stopped her to ask .. about the train in the window ..
    .. The young girl stood frozen .. then she responded with an "Oh ..
    .. I'm sorry .. but I'm pretty sure we ran out of those" ..
    .. It was a terrible blow he had suffered .. just one too many though ..
    ................
    ....
    ................


    .. Severe trauma to the head ..
    .. A couple of crushed ribs ..
    .. A fatal broken neck ..

    .. When he got into a train wreck ..





  2. #2
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Replied to Penskills OM and Sarcasm's.

  3. #3
    ...practice makes poetry
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    interesting.... the flow looks kinda similar to something i would've done... i liked the story... it went from beginning to end without getting me lost...

    the structure did eventually get boring... for the length... but maybe im just impatient...

    anyways good work on this one and pop a few more metas and multies to make it stand out..

    oh and do me a favour and check out the link in my sig... im sure it will interest you somewhat...
    Hence Forward

  4. #4
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    yo thtz some iight shit keep tht shit rollin hit a poll up in frontlinz 4 me dog i got to bttle thiz wck fuk i wnna end tht shit

  5. #5
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    good flow, nice rhymes, keep up tha work

  6. #6
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
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    Wow..

    This was flipped so well..

    Really didnt expect that.. (You would understand me if you read it)

    Liked the structure.. Was nice and pretty..

    The flow was iight.. It did drop once or twice.. But it didnt effect the overall effect that much..

    Transitions were smooth..

    I really liked this..

    Going to nominate for OM of the month..

    Best ive read so far this month anyway..

    Can you hit something in my sig..

    Preferably the short story.. But if not.. Hit it some other time and hit something else for now..

    Excellent drop..

    Thank you..

    Pz..

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  7. #7
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Thanks for all the replies. Except the shitty ones by the two newbies.

    This was a bit rushed, I had to get this in for SS. A few lines were off in this. But I had to get this in ASAP, so this is what I came up with.

    I'll get to the links as soon as I can.

  8. #8
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
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    hello A! sauce...This was another one in the bag for you...
    I only read few pieces from you and they were all impressively well written...
    I don't see why your stuff gets slept on...Anywho..this was very nice...OM of the month worthy....Nice one..A! sauce...

  9. #9
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    look im sorry bout tha 1 lines and shit ill tell you how felt bout this ryhme,
    the rhyme was off da hoof the flow was good, i can picture everything u said in the rhyme the wordz u used were tight.

  10. #10
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Upp.

  11. #11
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    Iight lets get this started. When I started reading this piece I thought that
    it had started too slow. The flow wasn't fluent enough & the multis dint catch
    my attention. But your influence on this piece was apparent in the 2nd part.
    The slow start then seemed purposeful instead of a mistake. It was like
    an introduction but at snails pace. Your complexity was consistant altho
    not totally vivid. I would have liked to see more use of internals here.
    this wudda aided your flow immensely. My best part of thepiece was where
    it was explaining how he had a neon truck. The flow was beautiful there.
    Nice emotion in the piece & metaphorical meanings hidden are always nice.
    Overall not the best piece I've read but you did key this kwik.
    Props to producing a piece better than most in so lil time.

    Make sure ya hit this up plz.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=120174

  12. #12
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    KEEP EM COMIN BITCH!

    Suckaz.

  13. #13
    ..Truth.. rule's Avatar
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    This was really good work. A lot of very powerful lines
    the way you drew the picture was perfect at the beggining
    Good concept with great metas and multies
    Keep it up
    Soft Focus
    ..Returns..

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