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Thread: Bullied

  1. #1
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    Bullied

    Bullied:
    so i'll tell you a story, of this kid in my class,
    all the bullies gave him a dirty look after kicking his ass.
    said he had no life, couldn't explain why or how,
    and i bet he's probably even crying now.
    done crying out, he was scared to ask for help,
    was he a loser? he constantly asked himself.
    couldn't concentrate in school, couldn't take it,
    wished he'd light them on fire, if he concentrated.
    knew it sucked to be picked on, wanted peace
    but with his supposed nerdiness, would it cease?
    this kid was angry, on the verge of taking his life,
    but didn't have a gun, and wouldn't do it by taking a knife.
    so the next morning, after school he visited his only friend,
    spilled out his heart, and his own amends.
    they were sad together that day, fast crowned -
    the joked on, the wannabe's, the class clowned.
    they went in the dad's closet, where he kept his gun,
    wanted revenge, knowing they'd get their fun.
    then the next day at school. this story, i call it mine,
    but its secret what happened, next day at columbine.

  2. #2
    doesnotexist
    Guest
    Tight tight I can see u know what ure doing when u puttin this shit together.
    The flow to me was very good very easy to follow but not enuff to be called simple or easy.I really have no complaints about this, jus keep the good shit up.

  3. #3
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
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    Lmao..Lmao....Was this from experince???....Lmao...
    It is isn't it???
    You use to get beat up all the time...

  4. #4
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    no.. i actually wrote about 50 verses, because i can NOT STAY ON TOPIC !!!
    then i finally decided on this one.. lol...
    but no..its not from experience... i just feel bad for dead kids at columbine.
    you know it was average, bitch. gimme my props for coming average !

  5. #5
    Mad Mike
    Guest
    Shit, I liked the concept you used,
    Nice feebs!

  6. #6
    Tha Burnin Sensation 2hot2handle's Avatar
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    you stayed on topic which was good, didnt seem u tried your harderst. RIP Columbine kids. i give u a pass cause uve been here for awhile, just could have been a lot tighter.

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    View this from last year^

  7. #7
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    ^^ blah!! ok feebs, flow was tight, it would make a good audio!! apart from that vocab was shit!! also this was just put on text to easy!!! Good story tellin tho followed it all the way thru, the shit reminded me of a coulple of things in the past!!! could of used maybe a hidden message or some wordplay. anyway man shit was ok, but that bout it!!

    lol :-)

    peep DIE DIE DIE, I LOVE YOU!!! in my sig. pz
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  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! YJ's Avatar
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    I liked tha story and all but the vocab wasn't that good lol
    flow was iight
    this piece makes me wanna stop makin fun of sum people lol
    but yea it was alright
    BEST OF YJ
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  9. #9
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    2 things, good flow and transition,, oh shit 3... nice story...... wanna topical battle????
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]

  10. #10
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Nice simple piece. Didnt use large vocab which I found drew back on this...but the rest was all on tack. Nice transitions, flow, structure, multies were okay. Fine and simple piece.
    can I kick it?

  11. #11
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    Good piece man it was easy to read but was too straight forward maybe try to make it more mysterious by saying sumthing like they would soon know the meaning of karma or sumtin were your tellin wats bout to come without actually tellin it. so basically needed betta vocab lol but keep at it. peace

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