Topical: Freeman Vs SmokaJoka666 (No Polls)

[Freeman]

Rules...

Max 20 lines^^...
Drop whenever...
No Polls^^...

Topic = Pleasure And Pain...

Good luck my man...

I'll do something when ive done my college work... Dont know when... But yea... It dont matter... Only fun...

Pz...

[Freeman]

Checkin in...

Read above for when i'll drop^...

Pz...

[SmokaJoka]

Check...good luck.....you are popping my topical cherry...lmao

peace

[Freeman]

Pleasure...

Ecstatic with joy.. The excitement just takes control
Blinded with mist...
... Shrouding the mind, body and soul
Joyous shrieks can be heard.. Emitting from the male
The women giving her man pleasure...
... While he's on bail from jail
Senses collapse.. Climatic feelings arise out of his very being
Breasts bouncing infront of his gorging eyes...
... Thats what he is seeing
Pleasure takes over.. Eyes roll into the back of his head
Remembering this moment forever...
... Holding onto every shred
Because even in times of leisure.. Its hard to find and measure
Not a feeling in the world as great...
... As the feeling of pleasure


Pain...

Blade slowly drawing across the skin.. Ripping and biting deep
Cut to the bone, blood starts pouring...
... Eyes begin to weep
Fists pound flesh.. Bruise and batter innocent faces
Blood and mess drips to the floor...
... Dropped in unknown places
Gunshots enter the body.. Boring through the bone
Pneumatically drilling...
... Causing a aching groan
Tortured painfully.. Harassed by the constant water drips
Going insanely at acute angles...
... Being poked by white hot tips
Tormented in the head.. Vicous anger breeds in every cell
There is no pain at all compared...
... To the pain of a living hell

[SmokaJoka]

Pleasure And Pain


Pleasure = Early 20s
Pain = 50 Years Later


Young, in college, and happy where he is....before his life even begins
Has a wife and kids, he is an honors in college and has lots of friends
Can his life get any better? On a road to success; happiness measures
Mansion and everything, a great love life with his wife are his pleasures
Stargazing with his children, and the thrill of birthdays and christmas
"This is not how i thought of myself when i was young" <he mentions
A picture perfect famliy, no drinking, no abuse, and free of any debts
His heart fails at the thought of losing it all, he turns from dark to pale
As the sunsets, him and his wife stand on the balcony holding hands
He boldly stands happy with everything he is no longer a lonely man

-Several Years Later-

Lost it all, he sits in a rocking chair in front of a retirement home
This guys alone, and he can only wonder why his child is gone
Lost him several years before in a car wreck; used to laugh and play
Now in a grave, not too long afterwards, his wife passed away
His life dwindles, and he wonders how could he let it come to this
Lungs at risk, a constant smoker and doesnt care to burn his ribs
Booted from his mansion, lost his entire family, and has no money
"It's so funny" he exclaims....an old man who used to know cunning
Not a pleasure left his life is nothing but pure pain, "At least i tried"
Sorrow, but he looks back at the sunset, cries, happy is how he died


Conclusion: Take life for what you have at the exact moment it happens, for you never know when everything may collapse and nothing is left until the end

peace

[Born To Kill]

Well, this is hard...

I think Smoka clearly told a fuller story...

But it's one I think we've all heard over and over again...

I know in SS, the "perfect guy going to college, having lots of friends" concept...
Has been done quite alot.
Not saying you're recycling or borrowing...
Just saying I've seen this whole idea plenty of times...
I'm great, I live a great life, and in the end, it all goes to shit.

While, Freeman saved us the story and the background...
I felt the emotion alot more...
And the imagery was much better to me.
I especially liked the torture part, but I'm a sick fuck at times so excuse me.
Work on your flow a bit more, Freeman...
Aside from that, this was a pretty good piece.
Very graphic, very intense, for lack of a better word.

Peace

Freeman

[SmokaJoka]

never paid attention to SS....lol...first to 5 wins as usual..

[FanTa ZeE]

yeah, Freeman, i read your verse and i loved it, i thought you totally cornered that market, seriously, the contrast was plain and simple and the emotion was there throughout, i like the way you write, it makes sense..

Smoka, i like the way you made it into a before and after style, and i'm a fond believer in 'the more you have gained, the more you have to lose' so you verse too, made sense, but i just didn't grasp the fistfuls of emotion that i sensed when i read Freemans verse, and i judhe mainly on emotion, dunno, i could just relate more, his pain verse had me wanting to tear my hair out, this was a good battle, but Freeman..you got my vote.

FREEMAN.

[Freeman]

Thank you Born..

Thank you Fanta..

2-0..

Pointless upping.. ..

Pz..

[SMZ]

Flow - Pretty good both - Freeman's flow seems a little awkward in a few lines, Smoka's seemed a little stretched in places - tie

Vocab - Got'ta give Freeman the edge here - it's not about using the biggest words (like ppl usually seem to think Vocab area is) it's just about using the best ones - and I felt like Freeman choose his words a little better

Concept - I thought you both did well - Freeman hit the feelings directly - Smoka used a story to illustrate. - draw

Imagery - I thought Freemans created the pictures in my head much better - he really described the ideas well.

Overall - Freeman.

[Freeman]

Thanks..

3-0..

Uppin..

Pz..

[SmokaJoka]

Originally Posted by SMZ
Imagery - I thought Freemans created the pictures in my head much better - he really described the ideas well.

^lmao...word to that....his Pleasure part was pornographic like woah...

[Freeman]

Lol.. Thank you Smoka..

Uppin..

Pz..

[Freeman]

And this is number four..

[High Class]

Smoka - I liked your story and where you went with this. There was only one little problem though. It is to predictable now a days, because so many people do storie's which makes it harder to bring the emotion into the picture. It had average vocab and rhyme scheme. You did well, but you could have done much better... No hate, just trying to keep it real and down to the point, ya know... Nice Work

Freeman - I have to give it to you, this was a very good way to go with this. I liked the imagery of course, and the rhyme scheme. I havent seen a rhyme scheme put that well in a while. I dont like that type of structure, but there isnt anything wrong with change. You seemed to put just the right amount of emotion into this, which was very nice. I liked the usage of vocab, but you could have came more consistant with it on the second verse... Good Work

Conclusion - I liked both of the verses, they came consistant with imagery and showed good colors on em'. But I felt freeman did better with the flow, imagery, and consistancy of vocab on this piece. Nice work from both of you, im looking forward to voting on your battles in the future...

Vote - Freeman

~1~