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Thread: Disappointment...

  1. #1
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Disappointment...

    Disappointment...


    My life spells doom, as I sit in a hotel room
    Battling with my future...which in-tells doom
    No hope, so I inhale fumes that take me away
    Away from a slow decay, eating my soul today
    I’d have chose to pray, but god just dumped me
    &, then I notice a man sitting across from me
    He noticed me at the same time, & it came time
    For our profane mind to release contained lines
    That pertained times when I still had a spark
    So I begin to approach him, slowly in the dark
    The anticipation is slowly growing in my heart.
    And as we grow closer, I begin to see his figure
    Somehow, a bit of comfort is what this triggers
    His skin is dark.........as dark as the nights skies
    As dark as me....match that with his bright eyes
    His presence seeps of a deep seated contrast
    And His skin contains remnants of a strong past
    A past of so much potential, that was gone fast
    Then he suddenly makes eye contact with me
    So I await his intense speech, very contently
    But then he tenses up........and clinches his fists
    What intention is this?...
    Is what I wonder, as he just stares through me
    He jerked as if to punch...
    I slightly flinched as his actions confused me
    Then his fist completely loosened and he broke down
    Crying continuously, I could see his soul drown
    I feel like I could just fold now..seeing his doom
    I spray glass cleaner on the mirror in front of me.......
    ..................... and finish cleaning this room
    -------

    I’ve got eight more rooms to clean tonight. I don't have time to weep.....


    -Archaic
    Last edited by Chris Black; February 1st, 2004 at 11:58 PM

  2. #2
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Some newbs might not get this, but it's a true story. At 17, i was a highschool dropout, cleaning hotel rooms for a temp service; Dissapointed in myself. I'm in college now, but this is a part of my life that i like to keep in the back of my mind. Please drop feedback, I will return the favor.

  3. #3
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    And arch rises.
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  4. #4
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    *edit*
    Last edited by Chris Black; February 6th, 2004 at 11:11 AM
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  5. #5
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
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    this was a decent little piece...good flwo,good scheme..and I like the content..not bad..not bad at all...peace..

  6. #6
    Woooooooooooooooo! Provoke's Avatar
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    Creative approach on the content..
    Went with a good flow on a nice structure.
    Alot of quotables..
    Keep writing.


    Witty Unpredicatable Talent And Natural Game


    My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and there like "Do you wanna trade cards?" Damn Right lets trade some cards, I'll trade you, but not my charizard.

    <img src="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=11608&stc=1">

  7. #7
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Stop sleeping
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  8. #8
    Newbie
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    good piece man, as was said good flow and all but i didn't like how you used the same word to rhyme with its self, such as :

    I’d have chose to pray, but god just dumped me
    &, then I notice a man sitting across from me

    but other then that it was good man, i liked it. Just try and avoide the same word rhyming. Check my 2 drops if ya will.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111615

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111585
    All lifes end but do all lifes really have a start?
    or is it one drawn out ending, till the last beat echos out from your heart?

  9. #9
    -Smoke-
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    Good peice...damn this shit was ill...
    everything was on point...but the imagery and concept were the illest...
    ill drop...

    keep spittin...

    check my battle...

  10. #10
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    ^I don't have enough posts.
    All other favors have been returned.
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  11. #11
    Banned
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    This was an alright drop, I liked the structure. Alot of people have a hard time maintaining a decent structure, but yours was excelent. You had some alright wordplay, maybe work on vocab, and imagery. But other than that, this was a decnet drop. Keep it up hommie, got alot of potential...

    Please return the favor and peep " Insecure "... the link is in my sig. It would be much appriciated hommie, be sure to give me some good input, aight hommie...

  12. #12
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    ^Returned the favor.
    Uppage.
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  13. #13
    Back By Popular Demand... ELEETE's Avatar
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    Yea i read this yesterday but didnt get a chance to leave FB an i musy say it was great.....i love the imagery......i can literally picture it an thats what i look for on drops........definatly worth the read.....keep up the great work......and hit me up when you drop something new...peace!

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  14. #14
    i liked how it was a story peice
    not too much shit on here can stay on topic the whole way through
    disapointed in repeated rhymes sometimes, but other than kept it real thruogh out
    nice peice
    "I'm like a bum with no legs, I can't stand workin"
    -Classified

  15. #15
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    ^Thanx...
    I already peeped your drop...
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

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