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Thread: Psycho's Sanctum

  1. #1
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Psycho's Sanctum

    Yes, it's long. Don't be scared, read it, you'll like it. I spent a lot of time on this so some feedback would be excellent.

    [Background Info]

    I once knew a young man, who seemingly refused to let go
    At the age of seventeen, he was a hazard ready to explode
    Bitches constantly turned him down, he wouldn't forget though
    He'd sweat hoes. . so bad that he even got himself into debt
    Cuz he would spend his whole paycheck on bitches for sex
    School wasn't goin well, he was failin in all subjects
    He'd study all night, but the shit still seemed perplexed
    His mother wasn't impressed, so one night when she came home
    She yelled for her son Jerome, in a strict and stern tone
    Then continued to yell till he got mad and hung up the phone
    n slammed the door, then stared at the bitch straight in the eyes
    Aware of his size, imprinted doom then envisioned her demise
    Of that bitch he despised, pushed away the thoughts he revised
    Wanted to hear his mother's cries but was afraid of the cops
    n his pops, but he swore to his mother later on that night
    That he'd kill her if she hadn't immediately left sight
    Out of the cold rose fright, when he showed her the knife
    And other supplies that could potentially end her life
    And when she'd cry, the heartless bastard felt power from evil
    Been to jail twice and wasn't scared of doin somethin illegal
    So with his plans plotted, n trapped in the depths of his mind
    He gave it some more thought, n' believed that it was time
    To stop kiddin' around, n' show these punks his mind's evil defined
    So then he got a pen n' paper. . and put ink to the lines
    .......................................... ..............................................


    [The Plan]

    For bein' a cold-hearted young man, he gave himself props
    The bloody n' tattered image never ever seems to stop
    Now open your ears as we take a listen in on his thoughts
    ........................................ ..............................................



    Where's my pen n' paper? I need it before I begin to forget
    The name's of those that earned their place on my list
    Of the bitches that seemingly had a knack for talkin shit
    And of all that shit they talked, they'll soon be lyin in it
    Picture'd em' cryin', scanned the list to make sure it was legit
    Forehead wrinkled as I sit thinkin' of what kind of crime to commit
    Big or little? In the background I hear the music of sorrow's fiddle
    The feeble minded opponents. . I've deemed them weak n' brittle
    All obstacles need to shriveled, so outta' nowhere I spark an idea
    To head to an underground shop, the name of it was "Maria's"
    It contained drugs, guns, n' ammo, imported all the way from Korea
    Ran by oversea'ers who had already fucked up their careers
    These men had no fears, n' were willin' to deal money for tears
    N' the one thing that scares me, besides the fact they sell
    They already killed enough men to get a front row seat in hell
    Not even afraid to dwell in jail, and my life was at stake
    Why trade my life for a spot in the melting pot to bake?
    But I decided to partake, in the attempt to kill those
    Whose mistake was to clown on my big nose n' raggedy clothes
    ............................................ ..........................................


    I thought of Colombine, n' all the people killed at the scene
    I mean how many people could I kill at the age of sixteen?
    My mind stayed serene, n' it was the right plan I believed
    Fuck startin' a career, I don't even need a college degree
    So with my mindset stable, here's what I decided to do
    Sneak out of the house, at around a quarter to two
    N' then outta the blue, I got up n' ran out the house
    Noticing my mother terrified holdin' a gun on the couch
    Luckily for me, to not impliment action was what she vouched
    So then I closed the door shut, n' saw noone around
    ............................................ .............................................



    [Camera, Ready, Action]

    It was a cold foggy night, in the middle of November
    He wore a yankees cap that his mom bought that September
    N' rememberin' how his mother n' father used to come home late
    Workin' overtime just so he could have shoes coverin' his feet
    The worst his mom ever did was nag him to keep his room neat
    Or just to keep clean, and stay away from the streets
    Make sure he brushed his teeth, n' got home before three AM
    Conquer life's mayhem, n' after you pray make sure you say amen
    Just the responsibilities of motherhood, same things every mother did
    He thought to himself. . "Why can't I be happy like every other kid?"
    It hurt him inside, he felt lonely enough to just give up n' die
    He broke down n' cried, shouted his mother's name out in pride
    Around five miles from home, he ran back fast as can be
    He spreed home happily till finally he'd reached his own street
    ........................................ ............................................



    [Home Sweet Home]

    He suddenly stopped out of breath, was overwhelmed w/ joy
    Stood astonished at the house he'd live in since he was a boy
    He wanted to run in, he remembered how he was a brat though
    But he couldn't react, to the person who came out of their shadow
    ............................................. .................................................

    5'3, 109 pounds holdin' a black n' silver beretta
    Aimed between his eyes, n' then clinched the metal
    Pierced his skull, his future n' life was now gone
    Fuck college, he hadn't even gone to his first prom
    The one casting the shadow, was nor a cop, enemy, or a brother
    The one who pulled the trigger, was his very own mother




    Last edited by Aisle Phive; January 29th, 2004 at 03:49 PM

  2. #2
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    thats some sad stuff man...
    it made me cry(i'm lying)...lol
    honestly i thought it was slik cuz it was differen't.
    post more originality and for sure i'll read it.

    "i gotta promote my battle though, knowledge -vs- dizzy hommel..vote on it kid."

    peace

  3. #3
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Upping.

  4. #4
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
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    ~~Whew~~~long as shit...but well worth the read...your imagery was great..you have tremendous gift of storytelling(although I only read one piece from you)this was fantastic...I like how you broke it down for people...love the background...on the otherhand it might be a bit too long for some...anyway..this was simply a Dope piece..peace..

  5. #5
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Thanks.

    It's worth the read people, upping.

    Somebody nominate this for open mic of the month.

  6. #6
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    Cool, worth reading, congratulations. But, why did the mother have a gone in the first place? &, more importantly, why did she kill her son? I read it quickly, so don't think I'm a moron. Good job, otherwise, though.

  7. #7
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koalatee
    Cool, worth reading, congratulations. But, why did the mother have a gone in the first place? &, more importantly, why did she kill her son? I read it quickly, so don't think I'm a moron. Good job, otherwise, though.
    I went a bit over the top, was just trying to make it interesting. I should of listed her as a drug addict or something. But he did threaten his mother with a knife, maybe she was just a psycho bitch, who knows.

  8. #8
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Awards OFOTK Champion Haiku Champion Legendary PC Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF 75+ Wins
    Nice stuff. Really felt that. Excellant imagry and use of vocab. Could actually see it happening in my head as I was reading it. Nice stuff. Your use of describing words is great. Only one mistake..at the beginning you say he's 17 and then later when you reading what he's thinking, he says he is 16. Even so this is one of the best pieces I have ever read. Keep ot up man.
    A few achievements here and there

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  9. #9
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Word man, I made a few mistakes about following my own story. Thanks for the feed bro, much appreciated.

    Upping.

  10. #10
    Get used to it...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Penskills
    ~~Whew~~~long as shit...but well worth the read...your imagery was great..you have tremendous gift of storytelling(although I only read one piece from you)this was fantastic...I like how you broke it down for people...love the background...on the otherhand it might be a bit too long for some...anyway..this was simply a Dope piece..peace..


    Yes indeedy... & I did actually read (unlike some battles I vote on... lmao)
    Tag'D
    Legend: Merk Squad

  11. #11
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Upping.

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    NICE. Yor vocab was very nice but that wasnt even the half of it. Nice wordplay nice multis etc. The imagery was awesome you really got into this kids mind and got an idea bout his life fucked up and whatnot..I thought this was gonna be a really played piece you know hardass kills his mom blah, then you switched it up made this very original...keep droppin 8/10

  13. #13
    I'm all in. Aisle Phive's Avatar
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    Thanks.

    Not to be bitchy, but this is better than almost all of the open mics posted here, how come this hasn't been nominated in the Top Ten OM's of the month?

  14. #14
    hence 5ward Phoeniix's Avatar
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    great peace. i love how you told the story and broke it down the way you did. really cool idea for an open mic, i like shit where it takes you through exactly what someone was thinking, in this case...writing. good shit man. by the end i kind predicted what was gonna happen, but still had a good affect none the less. moral of the story? dont take what you have for granted, before its too late...
    thast what i got out of it at least. nice drop.
    A h e U n c D e f I o r B w a L r d E

  15. #15
    Back By Popular Demand... ELEETE's Avatar
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    This was definatly worth the read........the imagery was great an everything else.......your flow was easy goin.......an the content was good too......very long very good.......I give you props even though you hate on me for voting Pen to be in legends but its cool........i give respect where its deserved........Respect.......Peace

    PS. If you have the time read my latest OPEN MIC
    I Bought Her Flowers Today
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111616
    Last edited by ELEETE; February 6th, 2004 at 03:59 PM

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