My first ever open mic peep

[Aines]

this is ma first ever open mic.....i wrote it in ma english class 2day....peep it and tell me ways i cud improve and tell me ma bad points plz

Sittin here all alone in this class thinkin of nuffin but rappin
Looking around at my surroundings waiting for sumthin 2 happen
Im surrounded by words but i still cant rhyme
Thinkin about my childhood wen i commtted crime after crime
I feel as though my life is a mistake i wana start over
Life carrys on never stops restartin it is as rare as a 4 leaf clover
The weather is as dark and as dull as my life
I feel like diein or running away and endin it with a knife
I passed my class, but alls i did was write this rhyme
Got up and left whilst realisin my lifes dun its time
Got home started keyin this shit cos had nothin 2 do
Started sayin my prayers and tellin ma mom "I love You"
Imma bring an end 2 this shit, i dont think lifes right
Ive decided,lifes over gotta end this shit at nite....

[Penskills]

..Decent..(you're a much better battler LOL~)..this was an easy read..fairly simple to read and that worked out well..keep up..Click my sig..

[Mistral]

Yeah i agree this was alright here.....structure seemed pretty good in this....flow was alright in it i thought....the content in this was good also.....you had some good lines in it i thought as well....overall this was a alright read....keep at it.

[Aines]

uppin

[Lethargic]

I didn't like it. I understand it's your first though. Your flow is okay, try to throw some internals in there though. Too simplistic...that was my biggest problem with it. When I think Open Mic...I think deep and emotional. Now, everyone likes a good simplistic Open Mic now and then...but there's gotta be a certain context to it. It wasn't bad for your first one I guess, but work on multi's and internal rhyming. Try to be more emotional with your piece. Put in imagery...it'll enhance your writing ten fold.

Problems:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108962

[Aines]

uppin

[Jug Uh Knot]

I Didnt Like It Either, I Thought You Came Weak. I Expected More From You But Whatever. Why Does Everyone Gotta Rap ABout Depression And SHit LIke That? Why Cant The Rap About Happy Days Of They Life Or Sumpthin? NO Hate But It Waas 4/10 IMO. My Opinion, So Respect it. Work On Your Structure A Little Bit...Peace

[Aines]

thnx 4 ur opinions peeps and ways 2 improve but fatal mirage u didnt tell me ways in which i cud improve....i appreciate the fact u didnt like it but u didnt tell me ways in which 2 improve.....

[LUECYPHER]

I'm going to agree with everyone in this thread... it was good for a first piece but it did lack some key elements to a hot verse. Like that one cat mentioned, maybe using internals would elevate your rhymes, but that's not everyones style. Sometimes I use them and sometimes not... usually comes off better when I do... so def consider that next time.

I like the realness of the subject, but it was kind of backpack-ish ya know... try to get on some more creative topics... try to right a whole verse based on one thing rather then a general topic. Just some of my thoughts... good drop though.

[Morbid Manner]

i liked this piece alot good flow and emotion, i can relate to what ur saying , good concept.
return da fava some time

[Morbid Manner]

i liked this piece alot good flow and emotion, i can relate to what ur saying , good concept.
return da fava some time

sorry for posting twice it didnt post so i tried again and it posted twice

[VennyRhymes]

The rap wasnt to bad but it seemed like u were jus rappin for rappins sake. Didn't really feel the meanin or it didn't really grab me.

[Aines]

uppin 4 the last time want a lil bit more feedback

[Trahedy Siphon]

structure aiight...flow aiight in parts...aiight concept....give ya 6/10 for effort

[T lite]

not bad fo ya 1st time.......keep elevatin tho......~1~