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Thread: Day and night..

  1. January 15th, 2004, 06:24 PM #1
    Edicius
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    Day and night..

    Hmmz Night & day..

    The struggle to get through his feelings exhausted him,
    she left, but the feeling remained as in a phantom limb
    All this sunshine in his life was , a devotion to his pride?
    but the counter glow was being replaced by a rainstorm,
    Trickled him to a 'wreck' that kept him hidden beneath his core..

    He decided to take a walk...

    As he was walking, to this valley, the sun went slowly down..
    he saw this mountain expandin valleys with even clouds he couldn’t count,
    walked toward to the highest peek saw nothing but this glimmer
    A mirror of hope found his shining frown above this snowless winter…

    Turns tired, so he sits..

    As he sat there thinking, on how to make things change..
    warm breaths of wind came over his skin and silence was arranged
    Then the moon lit horizons & the sun just turned away..
    and inside he starts to realize, me trying just pushed her way…

    As the night fell, closing his eyes he made a wish..

    He opened his eyes in psychological states,
    broke free of memory to figure his fate
    Saw some glory and wondered why she went away
    Nocturnal activities on arrival when darkness swarmed his way
    Struggles were tightened the dark was digging his hearts grave
    He held his grip in pure spirit hit the floor his strength gave way

    If there was a hope…….Darkness..

    The devastation of ultimate doom was apocalyptic
    looked like it was over, a done deal as life’s entities transcripted..
    SO strong to light the masses with an ecliptic visual sentence
    a pale light seeped with curtains of mist consuming the earths moon
    yet words remained absorbed & stuck in his throat with wisdom & truth..
    he had stumbled by this will-o'-the-wisp beneath his innate roots..

    Conclusion..

    Did he finally find the key to open just a gap to pandora's box
    & will the equator be in balance with results of equinox?

    I dont know..maybe wishes come true
    Last edited by Edicius; January 18th, 2004 at 11:34 PM

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  2. January 15th, 2004, 06:34 PM #2
    N LitEnd
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    You Gave This To Me To Read Before, And Now That I Read It Again, I Really Enjoyed Reading It. Vocab And Flow Was Good, Imagery Was Good, Everything Was Worded Right And Concept Taken Was Good. This Was A Very Good Piece To Read, Personally, When Reading Something Like This, I'd Have Prefered It To Be A Bit Longer, Just So That You Can Get An Actual Image And Idea Of Peoples Mind States.

    But Very Good Drop Ed.
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  3. January 15th, 2004, 07:07 PM #3
    Edicius
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    Thnx man really preciated ..

    Upper

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  4. January 15th, 2004, 07:20 PM #4
    Mistral
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    Yeah I agree this was a very dope piece....read it twice because I loved it lol....you had nice imaginary in this, i enjoyed that...i liked how you described things in this piece, it made me want to keep reading on....everything really seemed good in this piece, nothing seemed bad at all...overall it was a nice piece, it made a good read and I enjoyed it, legend worthy this, good concept, vocab, flow, & a dope story in it.
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  5. January 15th, 2004, 07:26 PM #5
    Provoke
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    Like LitEnd said, i have also been giving a earlier read, but this is one of those rare pieces you can read over & over again..
    The imagery was so near perfect that it almost created visuals infront of me, picturing the surroundings of what was being described.
    The fine array of words made for this dreamy yet realistical feel, very two faced..
    The strongness of the piece never faded away at any point & continued right to the very end.
    To be honest the ending of the piece is perfect..
    Again a perfect ending.. which makes for this extra impact when writing feedback.
    You managed to keep it interestin' at all times. very dope.


    Witty Unpredicatable Talent And Natural Game


    My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and there like "Do you wanna trade cards?" Damn Right lets trade some cards, I'll trade you, but not my charizard.

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  6. January 15th, 2004, 07:30 PM #6
    Theo Ginn
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    This was a real nice read ed...flow was perfect..and you got hold of the concept and managed to get into there minds and express it in words which is what all open mics like this are aiming to do..good use of vocab..like Nlitend said this should have been longer to express the meaning slightly more but this was still dopenes...only thing i can say bad about it is the structure..lol

    tightness homizzle

    keep it up
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  7. January 15th, 2004, 07:37 PM #7
    Edicius
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    Write outside that box...its the content.. not the looks. = )

    Thnx all uppper.

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  8. January 15th, 2004, 08:05 PM #8
    Endeva.
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    i agree, you portrayed it well, with the wording.... the overall feel if it and flow was on point..... well executed..... what esle can i say without repeating others... except the structure comment.... whats that???........nice work...pZ
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  9. January 15th, 2004, 09:25 PM #9
    B-Kast
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    I don't check open mcis to often, but i really liked this one.
    Had good vocab and was really deep, had tor ead it twice to get the hang of the subject but im a bit slow when it comes to Open Mics.
    Nice piece i liked how it was broken down intop different parts...
    :nerd:
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  10. January 15th, 2004, 09:31 PM #10
    Verbatim
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    Yeh nice piece, liked it alot, flow and vocab were good. Like the above dude said, i liked how it was broken into parts, that was pretty coo. anyway nice drop overall keep droppin

    peace
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  11. January 15th, 2004, 09:36 PM #11
    FreeThinker
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    OK I like pieces that really get me into the story. This is exacly what it did. I followed the jurney and visualised it , and it was great. I loved the way you looked at this topic, in such a original and imaginative prospective. Reading pieces like this in Open Mike just proves how much talent there is on RB.com . This was of the top of the shelf, and all the props to you.

    plz if you can return the fev
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  12. January 16th, 2004, 01:42 AM #12
    Edicius
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    Will do when i got time, thnx..uppper

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  13. January 17th, 2004, 04:52 PM #13
    Edicius
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    & up u go.

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  14. January 17th, 2004, 06:53 PM #14
    Benz Quik
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    keep it reel, keep doin your thing and we should do a song together Peace & lov
    ima car that goes Quik and i stay slick. dont fuck wit me cuz it useless
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  15. January 18th, 2004, 11:34 PM #15
    Edicius
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    Thnx man .....Uppppper... for more replies!!

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