my first freestye(plz reply)

[bospitta]

here are my 3
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...266#post996266
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...345#post996345
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...323#post996323

WHATS IT WORTH
Yo dont talk shit bitch ill pop a cap in ur ass bitch
I dont give a fuck if ur the CIA or the KKK
when u hate and discrimanate..Ill choose ur fate
Isnt life just great with these hoes goin around sayin hehe im a S.O.B with a S.T.D
And theese freaks who rape and put thier victims on tape
what kind of world we livin in where its ok for people to get murdered everyday..and the killa gets off the hook comeon throw him the book send him to jail set a million dolla bail
and 4 u's who think lifes a fairy tale i cant wait to u get hit by all this shit
u wont kno what to do u'll come to us and well deny the needy just like u
see the worlds on big chain this shit brings everyone pain

and this is just a verse that i took out of the without me song and changed it a bit
Miss Kapatrick can get her assed kicked by limp bizkit bastards and obe u can get raped by kobe u 90 year old hoe u aint got nuttin to show me too old let go everybody listens to bo

[ak-mixa]

Bospitta dis is pretty good for a first freestyle on da first time, people usually aren't dat good when they start out so I really give you props.

STRENGTHS
what you said was tight and I feel you dawg

WEAKNESSES
Your flow wasn't all dat good but keep praticing and you'll improve, so good job for trying man.

most of da rhymes I read didn't rhyme at all, so make da words like rhymes.

don't set it up like paragraph form cause it makes it hard to rhyme with and choppy, post your rhymes like dis for example(below) so people won't call you a complete newbie dawg.

niggas try hitting me with a pump
I'm gonna roll over dem like a bump


Bospitta try all dat I told you and you should be a nasty rhyme creating emcee dawg, don't ever give up jus practice, practice.





!!GOOD JOB FOR A FIRST FREESTYLE!!

[Mistral]

This was ok....structure was ok, could use some work though i think, try to shorten your lines a bit though....flow in this was ok, it got off in this at some spots i thought....vocab was decent, could be up'd though...but overall this was ok....keep at it.

[WhiteRhymes]

holy shit... i dont no... mayb its me but i didnt care much for it...
sounds a bit coreny imop... ya and shorten lines would b a good idea... work on it tho... u kan gets better

[CrackaBox187]

shit was tight dog, a couple of lines ain't sound like they mixed that good, ex. 1st snd 2nd line, but keep on doin' your thang

[.::$izzle::.]

hmm this was Ookay The Flow Was Choppa At Times ...u coulda shortened ya lines......Elevate

[Nyte Fire]

Not to bad for your first time...try to hit with multis every line..and try to keep your structure and flow on lock, like i said...pretty good for your first time

[Da Ntruda]

waaaaaaccckkkkk