Insomniac

[Jo-JO]

My Replies:Kredit and Formula- [Insert catchy title here]/Kredit
Ghosts in my Mirror/King of Thieves
Short one/ Sky High

I go on and on, From dusk to dawn
My mind doesn't stop, sleep, I always yawn
It races, up and down the halls of my conscience pacing
In silence, the stress of the day I'm facing
Quit counting sheep, with black sleep reality I'm replacing
Doctor classifies me as an insomniac, lack of sleep creating a maniac
A Freudian struggle with my mind getting frantic, Gotta calm down can't panic
-Radio Feedback- Constant mind static, my head is like an overstuffed attic
A candle with a forever lit wick, like it was put to fire with a magical bic
Have 2 lv this post, Try to travel to the neverland coast
Goodnight sweet dreams,wonder what my sleeplessness means

[Endeva.]

STARTED OFF WITH A NICE FLOW BUT IT FELL HALF WAY THRU..YOU PICKED IT BACK UP....BUT!....VOCAB OK......LIKED THE TOPIC......A BIT SHORT......BUT I SEE POTENTIAL HERE...KEEP AT IT...AIGHT.....pZ.......

[KeyMo Thera P]

ehh i wasnt really feeling this.. for one it was mad short.... and the rhyming was mad simple...you gotta lot of work to do but so does everybody starting out..which i hope u are jsut starting out or something but um yeah ...check out the tips people dropped in the threads on the site..teaches u alot bout text'n

[Mistral]

Yeah this was ok....your structure needs a little work though, try making the lines around the same length so its structure well cause you had some long ones and some short ones...vocab in this was ok, like deva said...but this was ok, just work on the things,..keep at it.

[The Alpha]

Originally posted by Deva
STARTED OFF WITH A NICE FLOW BUT IT FELL HALF WAY THRU..YOU PICKED IT BACK UP....BUT!....VOCAB OK......LIKED THE TOPIC......A BIT SHORT......BUT I SEE POTENTIAL HERE...KEEP AT IT...AIGHT.....pZ.......

[Jo-JO]

Thanx ya'll I wrote this quick in class didn't have time to think it thru alot thanx for the replies ima try to fix the mistakes pz and luv

[menolin]

it did start and finish off nicely, but if you really did ruh this then, i advise for your next open mic, that you take your time. cause you got some potential.


some opf the lines seemed a little forced to me, work on structure and wordplay.

aiight

peace

and please drop some feedback on 'breaking...' by yours truely and white lightning.