America's in DEEP Trouble (just a little keystyle)

[Echo]

Replied to:

Payce
riddle me this
Technician

I wrote this because I am so fuckn' sick of everything I've been reading in the news. Especially the part where they want to boycott Pimp Juice. What the fuck?????


I walked into Tower Records and saw someone wit a fist
he was about to hit the CD buyer wit his weak skinny wrist
I just fuckn' wanted to buy the latest Atmosphere CD
but I walked out incase I was to get a fuckn' injury.
How would that look? Not being able to hold the mic wit my hand
My fuckn' wrist would give a weapon to my battle challenge
I ordered a hamburger at Micky Dee's and they gave me cheese
took it back, "Could I get a fuckn' plain burger please?"
I'll sneeze and fall to my knees chewing this Mad Cow disease
I'm up to a 106 degrees, I need a breeze (where's the wind?)
Oh...... It's in California..... No....... Mixing it with Earthquakes
I was thinkn' a going there..... Now I'm getting the shakes
People making mistakes mixing stomach with headaches
the doctor won't write me a prescription, he can't diagnose
People seeing ghosts, people believing in that shit
Haley Joel Osment doin his "I see dead people" skit
I'll admit, I'd submit to that shit if there was nothin' to believe in
but my religion is rap music with a passion to make it
Bush wanting to send all these fucked up kids to war
tell mom the corps is in the morgue, he ain't alive no more
I'm dead in my own fuckn' thoughts... can't think no more
A whore who they would never choose to send to war

[-uski-]

nice work man Noit bad.. this was quite true and ya Have that nice Structure taht Improves ya FLow Just that Lil Bit and Makes it betta For the Read And ya Used this Topic Well it wasn't really Played....not one Multi I Could See Man only some Internals......so this was alright Man SO Keep Elelvaten and Droping Ya Ya Key Styles.....Aiight Man.......PeacE........

[Rage1]

ok spit...multiz were off so was ur flow... but all around it was an ok verse...

drop sum of it art my site

www.out-rage.tk

[Provoke]

^Flow was off, multies can be peripheral..
But in that case your flow has to be strong & on point..
Nice topic, good view..
Work on overall writing skills.
Add the so called catagories, meta's, wordplay etc..
Good luck & keep writing.

[Echo]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Peace

[Mistral]

Yeah this was alright i thought....your structure was alright, it could have been better in a few parts though, just work on that and touch it up...work on your multies add some to this and your future pieces...overall this was alright..keep at it.

[Echo]

thanks

[Cannabarz]

straiiiit, you deliverin your mind straiight out an i like that cuz u show emotion an you real, i feel you on this one, very complex delivery...killed this ..10/10

[FormulaMC]

Nice. . Not Real Deep. . But I Was Feelin' It. . Like Your Perspective On Things. . Flow Was OK Throughout. . Dropped Off In A Few Spots N I Had To Pick Up. . But Shit, We Can't All Write The Perfect Piece. . Vocab Coulda Been Upped A Bit, But I Don't Concentrate Too Much On That Point When I'm Readin. . So Comin' From Me, Don't Worry Bout That. . Jus Up The Writing Skills A Bit . . Expand Ya Mind N Vocab And All The Other Shit Will Jus Come Out Naturally. . Nice Drop. . Pz.

- Formula.

** Peep It's Her N Me When It's Dropped Aiight. . Thanks **

[Echo]

i will work on the flow and making it more comlex. i have weak spots, and it's hard to improve, but i'll try. thanks guys

[~CeRtiFieD~]

it were aight nice fa'low, complexity sometimes got too complex, an also the subject strayed a lil..........10/10???? id say 7/10 aight peace im out....

feedback preciated, return the favour.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=102059

[Katz.Frost]

yeah it was aiight man. good lyrics and structure. no multis though. i give it 7/10

[LA_4LYFE]

um ya...i kind a lost u 4 a min wit da whole cheeseburger
thing but it was all good ya know, nice subject and shit