Thnx for feedback -
I gotta ask has anyone caught the message in the chorus? I think Veloci-Rapper did. I said I wouldn't explain it but now I'm itching to highlight it.
Thnx for feedback -
I gotta ask has anyone caught the message in the chorus? I think Veloci-Rapper did. I said I wouldn't explain it but now I'm itching to highlight it.
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I'm dead.
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Hence Forward
--[Flow]---
Your flow was brutally ferocious..not what i was expected, you had mad rhymes and mad internals...the structure to it was outragous, ever bar was exactly the same length was made it just flow of the tip of my tounge...wow.
--[Vocab]--
Vocab another thing that really stood out for me, it was full of comlexity and depth, ever line had a meaning and it was portrayed to fit into the story well, your didn't under or overuse your vocab, think that it was the right length and wasn't just throwing in to make up the bar size:
"A charismatic Chaldean holds the line by himself,
Men siphon off courage like leeches with health,"
--[Concept]--
What really struck me here was the blatent imagry...defeiently not what i was expecting, you had every minute detail craved into this piece, you amde me want to read on and on and helped me to sympathise with the dead and almost be in direct contact with the two armies...
some dope bars:
"Then a trumpet blasts and ruptures the solitude,
Distant drums, shouts and marching all intrude,"
Javelins arc overhead and strike dashing warriors,
Death visits the field and waits in soldier’s foyers,
Husbands, sons and fathers are such no longer,
A fox’s body lies shattered in his barrow yonder,
Birds are returning but these are a different sort,
They feast on flesh and scream aloud the report,
--[Overall]--
One of the best pieces i've seen on Open mic, it had all the characteristic of a legend...flow,brutal imagry,vocab....4.7/5...hit me up if you wanna collab sometime dawg, cos that shit was hott.
Open Mic's
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most posts aren't good enough to read in their entirety, but yours was. I wanted to see if you could rhyme each time without going DR.Seuss on me and you did. I read this entire things and I'd do it again. Good work. I am not a professional so I can't really give you and useful feedback....i guess you need a smaller font
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Jay-Z - Excuse Me Miss - Featuring Pha...
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uppin - last time
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I'm dead.
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Hence Forward
Shit son, I cant believe it, no famous rapper except Nas has made me sit with my mouth open like that....the story i was seein' in my head was dark...like some Lord Of The Rings shit....you got skillz son...This is the Illest drop i seen on here by far....10/10...keep spittin'.
nice...i agree with everyone when they say you had alot of excellent visual imagery....this was long but it kept me interested....i dont know how this would hold up with as a song with and actual beat though...with this topic and rhyme scheme...you would have to get just the right kind of production you know?.....my favorite line was "A guttural roar rises and two giants lurch forth,
It’s a cataclysmic clash of kings south and north" and "Birds are returning but these are a different sort,
They feast on flesh and scream aloud the report,"...im a fan of that really dark shit you know?....as with most open mics...it could use a bt of editing..."Silence - but for the trickle of a coward’s pissin"...the italic parts are a little hard to follow as well....but overall this was a good read.....im out and thanks for peeping my open mic...(when you hit 100 posts, a vote on my battle would be greatly appreciated lol)
Last edited by ORION; February 15th, 2004 at 11:18 PM
damn this piece was long...but it was good...I seen a few multiez here and there...but the flow was still good even without them...and as the otherz stated...the structure was unique...and the double flow thing was hot too...I really liked the imagery and concept though...the vocab you used to express ya ideaz made this for a good read...holla...
damn I wasn't able 2 catch the multis but dats just me
good vocab and flow
nice structure
I like how you used imagery in that piece
keep droppin
9.5/10
BEST OF YJ
Holla at cha Boi
Watch Me
Eyez of a Young Nigga
Can't Forget yall
Luv sick
I can't Believe It(RIP Denise)
dope piece.. imagery was of the hook...multis were good. somewhat long but a good read. everything lead into the next line which gives the reader the urge to read on. every line had me hookes so i hada go on. i relli enjoyed the read one of the best yet.. keep creatin cuz ya writing is interesting
Crazy spit, her shyt be emaculate...oNe
My Bad Homie...
I Was Gonna Read This Shit.. But The Words Wrer 2 Small...
And The Song Looked 2 Long.
But.. By The Way It Looks Typed Cool
^^^
come on - don't pollute my thread with that shit
"it looks cool"
lmao
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I'm dead.
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Hence Forward
I actually didnt feel this too much, the concept to this ive seen done many times before and it just didnt really connect with me in this. How are these newbie's saying "Nice multi's man" ? Rhyming cat, sat, and mat etc are NOT multi's - there were no multi's in this. A lot was basic one-syllable internal rhyming, but the lines took out the flow and the content lacked because of you forcing those one syllable internals into the lines. The vocabulary was decent, nothing spectacular in my opinion. Writers voice simply wasnt present and the transitions just didnt connect for me as i read through it. Not really my type of piece if im honest, i hate all things Bragging Writes-esque but ehhh .. just do you man.
Peace.
WORD P e r f e c t !
RESERVOIR GODS
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"there were no multi's in this"
not many - but every italics line has one, ie:
normally foreign
formally I'm warrin'
death and destruction
breath an eruption
etc.
"transitions just didnt connect for me"
they're kinda not supposed to - they're meant to interrupt
You don't think I did good on the story part? - Could you give some advice?
thnx for feedback.
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I'm dead.
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Hence Forward
definitely top notch stuff... the imagery was good... the vocab tight... thought the lines flowed really welll...
sometimes you can drop and extra metaphor in a line to give it more depth... but it's cool...
we should collab sometime...lol
Hence Forward
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