werd...this was a good peice..strucutre was good and flow was good
but i thought that the lines were kinda stretched a bit....
rhymes were good and nice multies here and there....
overall this was a good peice and you got potential to be very good
keep at it..peace~
upp thanks for feedback
sleep sleep thats all you do feed me
hmm...
Decent topic, felt like you had your concepts set well in mind..You started out well, and it seems as if you took your time...Your vocabulary was above-par, and the piece was very fluent..The Imagery was great, I really liked the selection of Title for this piece....You could stand to work a little on internals, but it still had a pretty nice rhyme scheme...It seemed rock solid...Not HOF material, but you're getting there..
FAV PART:
Trivial questions, lacking explanation, a lust that one should not desire ...
consipered plans, malicious thoughts, of what he wanted and admired
this ingulfing fire, that urged him to covete what he wanted for glory
he feels that normality bores me, and it starts this malevolent story
im a sucker for good beginnings...nice work, keep it up..
Mondo Thugs l The Truth
If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.
bump thanks i'll hit ur piece
hmmm streached lines... you tired to make em smaller so that it looked better anyway... still flowed well so fuck it... i tend to do the same thing... i liked the imagery here you had a nice way of using descriptions... good work here... its good to see new and dope heads.... anyway... not much to say other than that... showed that you can grasp a topic and portray a dope topical... nice work here... look forward to more...
Nice little heartfelt piece, but you've really got to fix your structure. With the rhyme scheme you were using you could probally just simply chop most of these lines in half and be set. But ya that's gotta be fixed cuz those are entirely to long. Uuuum, the emotion was decent, coupled with stronger imagery I feel it could have been alot better. Good use of vocabulary, nice wide range which kept the piece alittle more technically which is always good. All around a pretty decent piece man, nothing amazing but it was average. Stay up and keep working at it.
I'd apreciate it if you could reply to the Abstanti collab:
"Poemicoriginate"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291509
po'ethics /
abstanticollective.
up its amzaing cause this is my first topical hoe lol
hhmmmmm upp u sleeping hoes
yeah, i was writing a piece like this, but lost interest... anyway the vocab was good, and the story was pretty nice as well.. the long lines didn't affect the flow that much, but try shortening them, (im guilty of that as well, so oh well), this was a tight little piece, keep on elevating fellow thug, and hit up my piece "Technicolor Angel" link in sig
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I like this. The imagery showed itself towards the middle of the piece. The vocabulary was there as well as some multi's. All I would say work on is your rhyme scheme and making your point come across a little better. other than that good work. keep it up.
hmmmm bump for the last time
o h sorry
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