Imagery Pt. 2

[Richard Parker]

Boiling waterfalls…flowing through the mist…
Sun flowers melting…never to be missed…

an ok bar... but really i don't see it having anything to do with the story, other than detail. but detail alone gets monotonous. at this point i have already read the entire story - it seems to be you giving examples of different emotions, yet in the middle of the story you have a long section about war...kind of confusing, actually very confusing to me. the emotional buzz subject has been played to death, so i hope thats not what u were going for altho the last line makes me think it was. you need to have some kind of action / emotion built upon past / present action in your story.. and tell us about it. the part about war was action, sure... but it was missing the emotion or reason for being typed. left me confused as to why you typed it. technically sound, but emotion is very important.

One man stands in the dark…looking into the light…
Bright colors flashing out…into the night…
Flight followed by fall…Ikarus melted wings…
Hot wax burning flesh…its flickered flame sings…

yes, ive heard the story of icarus. not bad..

about his caustic ways…and smokes through the days…
ablaze through the years…sticking to its craze…

what was ablaze through the years? his wings? the space between your description shouldnt be this far apart. upon first read it brings confusion.

amazed and confused people speaking harsh…
afraid of battling…but itching to march…

details... not bad details but add some depth

scorched by the lies and simmered by surprise…
screams of fear from men being terrified…
paralyzed runners…the world unable to move…
scandalized gunners…shooting to be on the news…
they choose to bruise…just to gain attention…
like an outcast setting fire to books at a convention…
the Holy Grail disclosure…to stop the destruction…
smoldering lust for corrosion…risking death for corruption…
eruptions of anger…lava coming from your mouth…
bad assumptions and chaos is what it’s all about…
astronauts bout…leaving space battered and broken…
a genius unspoken…but able to bring ideas into motion…
like endless notions of love…but then none for devotion…
an oxymoronic buzz…that’s filled with emotions…

ok im going to stop breaking down line by line. i think you got the point. you were retelling a story in one part - and by no means was it a bad one, i just think it should of had a lot more depth to it emotionally. not a bad piece. that was the main flaw. keep writing. pzzz

[Mixtape]

THAT WAS FRESH AS hELL MAN, rhyme scheme was there, very creative, loved this rhyme yo forreal, yo i would like ta hit up some of your other rhymes, imaginary was the word fo this rhyme, peace out

[Lingwistik]

thankou for the feedback, and thanx for the breakdown baron, i see what tour sayin, i do gotta work on some of the things you said, but thanx very much for the critism, and thanx for the rest of your feedback

that ablze thru the years part, wheit symbolizes ikarus falling, and soetimes whnen people fall it seems like its taking for ever, and while ikarus was falling his wings n sht were melting and on fire, this symbolizes that waiting for the right thing to happen, might seem like it takes for ever, but it will eventually come, does that make more sense?

but no doubt thanx

any links?