Hollows of Tranquility

[Lauren.]

Hollows of Tranquility

A mossy haze shrouds all the life once enduring
Youth once encased the stony garden, complacently assuring
Now entwining vines slither toward the withered manuscripts
Documenting what was never comprehended by these residents
Chiseled sorrows drown the lilies as the bells groan on resounding
None linger who suspect the true forebode of these surroundings
A facade of tranquil slumber masks unsetteled desparation
As their cold decrepit souls thirst for earthly restoration
Those themselves entombed in shadows seek each flicker of remembrance
Serving as disturbing paradigm, the fate of their descendants
Embers of disdain remain, eternally persisting
For the enigmatic chasm barring these souls from existing
Faded roses bathed in moonlight rest, indifferent hollow shells
Of a vibrant soul constricted between dewy-eyed farewells
Frosty, cracking columns binding obsolete vitality
Monuments of degradation won't obscure reality
Torturing the comprehension of undaunted intellect
The unfeasible unnerving in their present retrospect
Yet this all cloaked by placid pretense fabricates a fantasy...

...A technicolor casing for morbid reality




http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=314922
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=314877

[Lauren.]

oh and sorry if some people don't understand a couple of the words...I know all of them and I use big words regularly and its habit for me to say most of the words in here but none of these are that big so hopefully everybody understands them all.

[..IllThoughtZ..]

haha...damn gurl u can really write..u dope as hell...this piece was dripping wit mad internals which made it easy for me to follow the flow of it...very very nice vocab which is my favorite aspect of writing because it shows your knowledge and puts more emphasis on emotion...imagery was out the roof here as well...what more can i say ...the one i fed on before was old as you said but it still reflects that you kept that skill and built upon that...i know a lot of people on here dont like to feed but if you ever need honest feed on something just let me know and i will be glad to do so...but yea check Life's Countenance" in my sig if you want...

[Lauren.]

thanks I appreciate it

[Chris White]

I could...but nevermind

[Split.]

you're not 15.. there is no way. It's not uncommon for kids to use the vocabulary you used; but using it correctly? Now that's a different story completely... But you did.. Jesus.. I'm reeeeaaaally impressed. You can ask the rest of these little chumps in OM, I don't say that to just anyone.
In all honesty, I'm not totally sure if I absorbed what you were trying to get across.. It seems peaceful, resilient, almost like a body of water put to words. You just kind of sat down and wrote this, huh? I can tell you took your time with it, but did you have any certain subject that you set out with the goal of describing? It seems to me like you were just writing from the inside.. Nothing was forced... Streaming Consciousness is the coined phraze I use for such work... Anyways.. I could go on and on.. Seriously, I'm extremely impressed.. No fucking way are you 15, haha. Colorado produces the best writers... It's the mountains I tell you, they humble a person and put everything into a more easily viewed perspective. Good job.


if you've got time, throw a vote at this topical.. it's been open for far too long...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313169

[Lauren.]

thanks and I'll try to drop a vote on that tomorrow

and yeah there was a purpose, this was a subtle description of a graveyard but I wanted to make it kind of understated and really create the feeling of a graveyard rather than saying flat out that it was one

[Split.]

thanks and I'll try to drop a vote on that tomorrow

and yeah there was a purpose, this was a subtle description of a graveyard but I wanted to make it kind of understated and really create the feeling of a graveyard rather than saying flat out that it was one

ahh, I see it now. "Souls thirsting for earthly restoration."
Well, damn good job on the piece. You should drop a tryout in the hence forward forum.. just say that I invited you if you're interested.

[Lauren.]

upping

[Lauren.]

please leave feed and I promise to rtf

[D. Josey]

This was pretty dope. I liked everything in it, but the one major anchor that held you down was all the overloading and overwhelming vocabulary you used in here. At first it was good, and I thought it was a temporary thing, but you really outdid yourself here by practically cramming the stuff in there. It got a little too rich after a while, and it was kind of sugar coated. Just write from the heart and you'll know what to do.

[Kenmar Bankhead.]

yea this was dope. i felt the excellent vocabualry throughout.
also an interesting topic, nice flow and rhyme scheme
I enjoyed this read even tho it was kinda short i still enjoyed it
excellent peice right here, good job and keep it up

[Lauren.]

thanks for the feed, and like I said I'm used to most of these words so I understand them well, I didn't know they'd seem too big

[Lil J.C.]

damn....................nice peice real dope....


i felt mad emotion behind this peice yo for real it had some hot grammar in there flowed great great imagry told a great story through mad metaphors i really like it i think u coulda maybe used multis to better it i mean i think i see a few but mad multis woulda made this shit fire over all tho good read ma keep that shit up and props u have elevated since the last peice i read of yours......nice

[Lauren.]

thanks 4 the feed