first rhyme for RB.com

[WhiteRhymes]

yall here i go... lookn 4 full out crit honest opinions!
im typn this shit str8 from da domb (head)


brake a neck wit bare bass
thuds rattle cheaks on a niggas face
sevral times i could kill ya wit ma lyrical ways
picture a lyrical bliss when ya picture this
straight freestyle rap right here right now
this is no diss but I dare yall to get loud
come at me with a better rhyme
i lay ya out by the end of a single line
broken hope after ya hear mine
lost cause niggas rethink they life dreams
a lesser picture of ones self when i serve
dishes of pulsing nerves tears jerk when ya gets yours
thats enough of that though
recap on ma past life
lost mama over a weak nite
no dad 2 hold a nigga tight
thats straight though i hope i never see his ass
if i did id prolly loose control n woop a fools ass

shit sorry 2 brake off but i gots 2 bounce 4 now... ill throw more out later... dont go easy yall tear it to shreds i dont give a shit... tell me yalls HONEST opinions! nething is helpful 4 real!

[noncentz]

simple but not garbage by any means this wwas a good intro but from here on you have to elivate .....i think you can be someone well known here if you work a little harder

[-uski-]

yea not great you need some major elevation aiight and Try to work on ya structure and keep flowin An Make it Longer like add a Chorus and another Verse taht will be good..........keep Elevaten Aiight.....P.€.a.c.€.....

[Nyte Fire]

You need to start connecting with multis...it was pretty good..the flow could use some improvement...Good job for your first though, keep tryin

[Dios de Hip Hop]

nice freestyle.
like all simple text
would be a good audio
if spoken out right,
check out rb.s audio heads
they tight.

[bospitta]

yo u started out nice but it seemed like u lost ur rhymes at the end but keep it up and maybe me and u can help each other out

[Maven.]

reply to three other open mics, and post links to your replies in this thread, or it gets deleted.
thanks.

[WhiteRhymes]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...560#post999560
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...565#post999565
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...576#post999576

uhh that what u wanted???
nyte fire what u talkn bout multis??? whats or whos that???

[Prince Adem]

^ multis are multi-syllable rhymes... allow me to explain

They back slide back to church, call a MINISTER'S BLUFF
They'd rather remain unenlightened than LISTEN TO 'BUS

(from Genabis by Canibus)

the words in caps all rhyme at the same time... rap that bar back to your self, and you'll find that

ministers bluff

and

listen to bus

rhyme with the same amount of syllables completely... thats a 4 syllable rhyme...

so basically, a multi is a series of rhyming syllables right next to each other.. anyway thats what i think it is... the reason its done is to showcase lyrical strength, plus it sounds better since theres more actual rhyming.. hope that helped

[Endeva.]

i agree i see potential here once ya up ya game....structure dont mean shit though...so long as it has a flow to your work.....once you grasp complexity, all be looking forward to reading the result....jus work on it man...pZ......

[Anonymous Mike]

there is some potential werd up... thought that ya need to get up on some more rhyme scheme too, this was no a bad verse dawg thought ya could of had a better verse in my eyes though, and yeah try and use multies dawg... it works well with verses and makes ya verse look very well done, but if ya can get people to see ya verse without multies then ya straight dawg... OnE

[Mr.W.Rong]

I didnt like it that much b/coz there wasnt enuf
as soon as i think there isnt enuf content i dont feel
excited......but it wasnt all bad due to some good vocab etc
jus keep doin wot ya do pz

[WhiteRhymes]

thnx guys... i greatly appreciate the help!!! will work on it!
i like the sound of that multis stuffs! lolz ill work on that 2!
thnx again!

[lyrical_killer]

hell I liked the way you put yo words together but you needa work on yo structure and make yo lines longer and also it was to simple...........but keep it up homie!!!!

[Termz]

basic rhyme scheme, pitiful vocab. concept was ass, try harder next time.