BarZ

[Dropz]

im'a post this to see if its ne good to use in a battle ....

yo im'a violent killa//
fill ya full of lead like trident fillers//
ya too cocky; like ya own ya own block//
Murder ya clone and dump the body at the dock//
If tempted i'd confront you in the hotel lobby on tha spot//
or in tha alley in da back//
this chump's reciecin advice from Dr. Phill or O'Rally fo some stats//
Look somewhere else for help or just quit//
Cuz theres not an individual out there to help you beat me at this shit//
got your dictionary on lock ready for use//
stop ya fairy melody; go head and call it truce//
Ill have numba one before yo get the title of ya single done//
go head mingle wit the top stars//
ill burn ya so harsh like ya ass was my daily poptart

[vanes]

you need to keep yo linez all the same length hunnie, and yo dont try too rhyme too tough or you get boxed up and it sounds like an ill but shitty poem, no offence dogg yeah but u just need to elevate ok.

[west]

Same as Vanes says,jus keep dropen'm and u'll elevate soon enough dawg.

Peace

[Endeva.]

i agree, but they dont neccesarily have to bee the same length, so long as theres a flow going.....get more complex....at the minute ya flow falls at the end of each line....work on it..pZ..

[Amarant]

u jus need to elevate, try and drop some more open mics and u shud get better with time

[Mistral]

You need to leave 3 links or 3 names of people you left feedback to or this will get closed..

But like said before me..you need to elevate here...your structure needs some work, try keeping your lines around the same length so it helps the flow out...also add multies and internals....flow was ok but keep working on it...vocab should be up'd as well...keep at it.

[Remixed Illusion]

lines need ta b tha same, first half was aight, but u need elevatein man, bbut keep up tha good work

pz

[Amarant]

hit my rhyme
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=98014

cheers

[snakeyes]

cool shit man, keep on dropin dog, you got potential.