my 1st freestyle(please reply, want to elevate on my skills)

[southsideloco]

1. "Deranged Thoughts"-ft. bash n Whitelightling
2. "i got it"- mighty 1
3. "(no title)"- vanes


yo this is my 1st freestyle on RB so please reply n give me sum feedback...


here it go..

Here comes the southsideloco strapped with the heaviest artilery/
Im the newest kid, im "beatiful but tough".. shit Im Miss
Conginiality/
I got u n your crew torn up, worn up/
i got yall lookin like a hoes titi.....sucked D-Cups/
I ignite the fire, I AM the Bomb wire/
dont set me off or ill explode n burn u with my quickness/
I got fat mc's burnin more fat than they do at Bally's Total Fitness/
Im a heavy disease.... AIDS..spreadin everywhere in a day or two/
i got on you prolly cuz o that hoes yeast pussy residue on you/

[southsideloco]

please peep dis on give me sum feedback

[Mighty 1]

good son i felt it i like tha bomb shit... do yah thing ( thanks for peepin my flow)1

[Mistral]

This was ok....this was kinda short though, could have been a bit longer.....your structure was ok, it needs some work though...try keeping your lines around the same length to help the flow out...also try adding some multies to this to help it out....but keep at it.

[Baxter D. Wall]

ignore everyone who has posted before me.

ok, work on your structure..i.e. make sure that you are always countin syllables when you are writing so that you arent jamming so much into one bar, next, try to up your vocab.. if you have bigger words people will think that you are smarter...and people love to hear smart peoples opinions. Dont start every bar with 'i got', try to work more of a flow into it... and please, dont ever call yourself 'Miss Congeniality'

[Nahlidge]

LMAO at ^him ... But it's true ... I read that and was like ... Wat the Fuck!?!? ... But yea ... U don't need the "/"s ... We know how to read text pieces ... Work on vocab ... Rhyme scheme ... Multiple rhymin' ... Also called multi's ... Wordplay ... Such as flippin' words and shit ... Stuff like that ... Read some of the other people's stuff ... U'll catch on ... I ain't really got time to explain ... But U can also get help on ur ish in the Wackness Emergency Center forum ... But basically ... Juss keep writin' ... It'll come to you ... Peace

[Phoeniix]

pretty good for your first drop ever....if u can do that on ur first time u got potential, i see cats who drop it wayyyy worse....

good rhyms nothin stuck out to much but u maintained a flow pretty well. good job and keep improoving.

[Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic]

Im giving you respect because you are being humble and are trying to elevate. You need to work on everything Dez and Mentill said, because it is true. Hopefully you will keep learning and develop as a writer.

[MonStar]

ok, pretty much like everyone else said, flow needs work...try to work on your structure and add some multies...vocab could use work too...content also needs work, nothing really stood out to me....overall it wasnt bad for your first try....just keep dropping, you'll get better....

[SPEC-tacular]

it was good for a first piece just elevate on your skills more work on wordplay punches and vocab and you'll be good

[Magnificent T]

yo, as you kno i'm new and all so i can't really say much but you

got good lyrics and fantastic wordplay, i lost u a bit on the

rythem but e'rythin' else is is 'A OKay.'

[Jo-JO]

I think that as you being a newb that it would really do you some justice to check out the wackness forum and try and get some tutorials so that you can learn some new ways of dropping your style. A couple of thingz that you need to work on as i see it is your originallity in your rhyme scheme, it's a little repetativ. the flow and the idea is really played out but you presented it well. But the thing that killed this pz was the structure. You don't need the // like others have mentioned and just so you have an idea:
Your flow looks a little something along these lines
when really you want your rymes
to look alot more like dis
wit a more consistency
the lines should be alot longer than this but remember to count syllables. pz and luv
check out my drop wisdom thanx