Chlamdia My Friend

[SimpleJ]

Replied: Da Chronic G - My bitch
[Aspiration.] - pot1ent
A Silent Genocide - snakeyes




chlamidia my friend//
its been given to me//
chlamidia my friend//
ive given it to at least//
women by numbers three//
now these bitches are a little bit crazy//
ovulating green
and bleeding heavily
whenever they pee//
geez maybe i should get a checkup//
but i enjoy spreadin the teen
green by geting my dick sucked//
ok jon your startin to fade away//
your eyes are red and your vision
is turning gray//
why these bitches gargle
im thinking inside of my head//
well see in two weeks bitch
when that vaginal itch is beginnin to spread//
but you wont see me oh no you wont//
ill be in mexico with a funny nose
snortin coke//
n if i ever got aids it would the end
id fuck every bitch in sight and rape the
ones i hate//
by the time i was done my dead mom would have it//
idt be like my nuts everybodys grabbed it//
and most of these bitches nasty//
with a pussy fatter than john candy//
u can catch me runnin to the waste recipticle
chuckin carrats and corn//
that good ol fashion ass burnin is beginnin
to pour//


so guys and girls
if you begin to feel weird//
and you vaguely recollect eatin a bitches beard//
you now have chlamidia
its a bacterial std//
but keep passin it on like the stereo
stolen from me last week


-----
Please any info would be greatly appreciated, I feel the more input the more I can improve so help out-J

[SimpleJ]

Put input if u can, maybe I should try audio instead. Be harsh if your not feelin it-J

[isane lyricist]

umm i dont like it that much but i got to say ur strucutre looked more like a poetic shit

[Amarant]

it was a funny piece, but a few things u need to sharpen on.
structure was bad i thought, maybe u could make them longer to get more of wat u want to say out.
wordplay was decent and with a bit more vocab, could really be improved.
flow fell off a bit here and there.
overall i enjoyed reading it and u will get better wit time.

thanks for the feedback by the way

[SinfiC]

Well I really can't give a good comment to something like this, I don't like the topic at all. I also think that before you talk about something like this, you should get your facts right about what your talking about, if your discharge is green, you need to go to the doctor....can't believe you would actually write something as disturbing as this, spreading it and everything....anyways, all your rhymes are like this i don't think alot of people want to take the time to read it, get some better material son....if you did that, I'm sure you would get some positive feedback... as for the structure of writing, it was an easy read and easy to follow.
peace

[Mistral]

This was alright....your structure could be a bit better i thought, your lines were all different length...and your lines are kinda short, try making them a bit longer and around the same length so its structured good....flow was alright, try adding more multies to this...but overall this was alright..keep at it.

[SimpleJ]

Thanx people, I really appreciate the info, I'll try to write about a different topic and work on my wording/structure. Is there a book I could read to help me out, or does this process of writing have to be self taught?

[-->FreeBasE<--]

omg

thats crazy dude

uhh...good flow i guess

really disturbing topic

..................................................

[pot1ent]

This was a worrying topic.. Sort of funy in a way.. The flow was really quite good.. Maybe a few more multis.. Def weird.. but good