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Thread: Heaven.....

  1. #1

    Heaven.....

    Feedback: Kmfrob, Emerge and Ace of Spades.

    I haven't thought of a chorus to this yet, and I still need a third verse:

    Verse 1: I sit and reminesce on these long weary nights
    gazing out the window but it's all a dreary sight
    and as the clouds all gather in and the sky is growing grey
    i wonder why you've gone away, it's blown away
    all our bliss and every kiss i dearly miss
    that gorgeous dress and silky hair, it's mearly bliss
    I just sit here cold and worn, with all dreams torn
    i'm broke and shattered and still i scream on
    all that's left is a broken heart, a lump in my throat
    and a long lost love

    Verse 2: Sometimes it feels like the world is against me
    and my rhymes are my weapons, they're my only defence
    against the hurdles and obstacles that pile up as one
    in front of my optical, it's hard to overcome
    So i just sit here writing rhymes all about you
    it's been tough through these times and lonely without you
    and the sky ahead is growing greyer and greyer
    cause i've lost a friend that would light up everyday
    cure all dismay, putting up a fight in everyway
    that's why i loved her so much and adored her
    that special gift she's given to me and my daughter
    i'll always love her, I fall to my knees and cry tears
    because of that girl, I faced all my fears
    but now she's gone and i'm left all alone.....
    Last edited by chris_6t9r; December 4th, 2003 at 08:15 PM

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! And Death's Avatar
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    Sep 2003
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    Battle Record
    26-2
    flowed throughout

    vocab was kind of weak

    structure was good

    maybe add some multies

  3. #3
    What are multies?

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! And Death's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    995
    Battle Record
    26-2
    Multies = Multiple syllable rhyming.

    Read the tutorials.

    Hit this up:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=96557
    Last edited by And Death; December 4th, 2003 at 10:08 PM

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