My View of Enemies...peep and critique

[Savir]

peeped: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=93844

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=93352


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=93834





my version of the played concept...with a few twists...this is one fat meta so please give me constructive criticism ...

My mind escapes any vision even distant parallax///
spit wit precision..incisions deteriorate most ancient aritfacts///
Mc's fossilized..forced to lie..that my raps against them arent suitable///
yet suited in blue..some cats claim to bang when they rap from cubicles///
with played games..not me i disperse the new..Mc's yes ive served a few///
i've blessed this site(sight), but still see couple cats tryna curse my views///
lurkin in the pitch white, tryna pounce in the face of lightnin///
oblivious to my knowledge of the clear path that lied behind them///
learned their tendencies, learned the fact that they aint even enemies///
learned thier ways of walk only cuz they learned to respect me///
wantin to attack from behing..not knowin they overlapped my footsteps///
I'll barracade their skillz everytime i retract a movement///
i glance back at my student, tryna hide with strings dangled///
froze for a bit, continued on 10 steps to leave his strings strangled///
chokin every one of my words out his mouth this kid dissolved down south///
my last pupil to convo with satan and let em know what im all about///
thinkin im back home..but my physical form just conquered an inner demon///
satan's losin hold..every pad i rage on enemies is an evil releasin///
i'da been free by now..but every crumpled page puts a stall to the scheme of the sequence///
just need a few to go, waitin for next dude to ingint my fuse to blow///
satan wants me back, so he fucks my life hopin he can bruise my flow///
instead i stare back..reflecting past faces of my fallen underclass-men///
they died from grasped pens..knowin full well what was comin at them///
and thats when..i found i couldnt stand the sight of my enemies///
so i smashed the mirror..grabbed a pen and recharged my energy///


criticize now...fat metaphorical session...peace ...and no weak wack critiques please...break it down.....late

[Emerge]

eh

this was a task to read you forced me to pay attention with all the analogies and shit lol good shit though

bombardment of vocab you should watch that as you know nearly 70% of RB are illiterate and ignorant

structure was ok but shot at some points

topic meh

nice imagery

multies flowed nice not forced so that is good

all in all this was a good read room for improvement i think so indeed, i dont know about "topically untouchable" though lol

[SinfiC]

"bombardment of vocab you should watch that as you know nearly 70% of RB are illiterate and ignorant".....thought that line was funny but I guess I will get to the point.....

I really like the way you expressed you point with your use of words but I think the phrases were a little too lengthy, if you break them up a little more, it might be an easier read on the eyes..."learned their tendencies, learned the fact that they aint even enemies///
learned thier ways of walk only cuz they learned to respect me///
wantin to attack from behing..not knowin they overlapped my footsteps///" those lines were really well done, "thinkin im back home..but my physical form just conquered an inner demon///
satan's losin hold..every pad i rage on enemies is an evil releasin///" i like the in depth way you express your ideas...keep writin playa

[f-gee]

pretty good drop kid
flow was decent in most parts..perhaps the sentences were a little stretched in places...
vocabulary was decent and kept it from getting too simple
some nice metaphors...enhanced the piece
liked the twist at the end of looking at the mirror...a good twist always improves a read
cos it may have been shit until the end when u get taken by surprise
played topic...but everyone has a different story to tell on these type of things
-out-

[ELEETE]

yo that shit was hot! your vocab you can tell is immense. i respect the creativity alot an know how difficult it is to come up with shit like that. good drop.

feedback appreciated
MY INFLUENCE
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=93118

[noncentz]

DAWG THE VOCAB THE CONTENT THE SWITCH FROM POETIC TO NORMAL RAP STRUCTURE OVERALL THIS WAS A HOT AS HELL READ....YOU WILL BE HATED ONM OF COARSE FOR BEING SO COLORFUL IN WORDPLAY BUT YOU GOT HELL OF TALENT AND THIS WAS ILL STAY UP TWIN.

[Ron B. Vicious]

tha lack of vocab all the way through messed up the flow a bit. pretty good drop though

[Supreme Da Ghost]

i like d dat shit it had me wantin to finish it iight
one
SDG

[Savir]

^^i'd reply to your open mic if your critique were'nt so gay...fuck man....gimme some real shit come on.....

[Rob D]

decent drop,
nice flow,
hot vocab,

you should of tried to add a few multis, but dont force them,

overall nice piece, keep it up

hit this up,its a bit long but id appreciate the feedback

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=94043

[Slik]

Nice drop...Way to stay with a played topic...
Vocab was up there, flow was normal, nice...
I like the way you slow things down..realy visual.
Overall, im going to have to say this was a good peice, but a lil low on structure...
so..
8/10

[Savir]

thanx....ill go peep rigth now rob......more feedback

[[-!F.A.T!-]]

Mc's fossilized..forced to lie..that my raps against them arent suitable///
yet suited in blue..some cats claim to bang when they rap from cubicles///


that line was dope as shit

you had a sicc flow feelin ya multis feelin the drop too its dope nice lil concept some good shi in there good vocab not muc ta say it was a real nice drop man keep postin

and could ya do the favor and return the favor?

[Savir]

dont sleep..uppin

[Savir]

ive replied to more than this....................uppin