begining of a rap fo my girl and i need feedback!!!

[MBP]

responses:
[ - Chameleon - ]-Edicius
back to work-MC^2
Deva [feat] 2 rich - life experiences

Aight ya'll tryin to make this really good so post your honest opinion and, if critisism, be constructive let me know whats bad, holla back!!!

That girl over there//
wit the short blond hair//
just fallow my stare//
and you'll see her clear//
if down that cheak ran a single tear//
i'd pull a 187 without a fuckin care//
J to the E to the double N, Y//
I'll love that girl to the day i die//
I hope i go first cause i don't like to cry//
but Pac said thugs could with a good reason why//
Her six feet deep, is reason for me//
Why think about it now though we only seven-teen//
us livin' together is still a distant dream//

aight thats not all im gonna have of course but just goin step by step/ HOLLA BACK PLEASE

[Lulong]

sounded like a rhyme more than a song, pull some multi's out of that and come up with some unique shit all of this verse is what guys always say to the girl.. its all old come up wit somethin unique and you will win her over big time.. i know alot of hoes that melt to 50 cent's "i love ya like a fat kid love cake, you know my style ill say anything to make you smile" now thats what you need in your song, somethin unique that she will just be like.. hell motha fuckin ya, ya know? hope that helps dawg anyways.. return the fav and drop some feedback on one of my open mics (shown in my sig) l8rz

[Qui-Gon Illy]

ok i can tell you are new to rapping, cause this sounds alot like my first couple flows. its not bad, you just need some work... you got the basic ideas in there, you just need to think of a better way to say it. use some metaphores, that always impresses girls when you compare them to a sweet flower, of something thats beauty cant be matched.

[MBP]

thanks^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^needed that keep it comin

[MBP]

come on yall

[Rant]

^^ya i agree wit mental...

and it is more of a rhyme...
but u gotta start somewhere...

believe me lot of ppl came of like that 4 the 1st few timez...

but shit will come 2gether.....

come wit more wordplay, multies..up ur vocab a lil bit...and u'll be fine..

good luck man....

[LoCo]

pretty straight...
keep spittin
Please peep this, this a deep serious verse holla
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...threadid=92978

[MBP]

thanks^^^^^^^^ i know i need it so thanks for the help, keep it comin'

[MBP]

c'mon^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^uppin

[MBP]

any more holla back

[MuhThugga]

Your lines are choppy and too short to bring out any significance in the piece...
Your lines are not connected in anyway and don't feed off eachother, they just stand alone.....not good

Your rhyming is forced ie...."if down that cheek ran a single tear" don't reword something just so it has an end rhyme......

the subject was nice up until I'd say this point "i'd pull a 187 without a fuckin care//
J to the E to the double N, Y//"

That's when it totally went downhill......

[Reason.]

This was more of a poetry pice then a verse for a song; the bars were to short, try lengthening them up, between 13 and 16 syllables for every line.

I felt where you were comign from though...I wish you all th eluck in the world.

Keep at it dogg, elevation isn't hard to find.



-fuck bitches-

[ChasinReveries]

i don't know who ur girl is, but i would never show any chick somethin' like that...u gotta write something from the heart, something deep and meaningful that shows that u actually care. like muhthuga said, ur lines stand alone...they need to fee off each other...

basically, this isn't too bad on its on...u should work on ur line lengths so they correspond somewhat, and u should also work on developing ur whole piece to make it fit together better. BUT, i would NEVER give this kinda thing to a girl..especially with all that pullin' out a 187 and doube N, Y bullshit....leave that crap outta a rhyme for ur woman, that's not gonna get u anywhere bro...

sry for the harsh critque, but i don't beat around teh bush

[Double D 27]

i'm gonna give some credit, you kept it true, hit some more on it, it was pretty tight

[MBP]

thanks for the feedback^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

i think im gong to redo it what do you think about starting wit this...

You're my extacy, my gate to utopia//
you're my thug mansion, the heavan of a gangsta//