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Thread: ClaustrophobicS Present: On The Boat Deck

  1. November 8th, 2003, 03:23 PM #1
    Auspicious
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    ClaustrophobicS Present: On The Boat Deck

    On The Boat Deck

    .. The Life ..

    Splender By Day.. Glory By Night..
    Remember To Stay.. Story Of My Life..
    Its Been Three Years.. Still Together..
    Times Of Near Tears.. Happiness Forever..
    Cant See Me Without Her.. Plainly Pronounced..
    Know Everything About Her.. Mainly Announced..
    I Bought Two Tickets.. Known To Bring Her..
    Something Else In It.. Goes On Her Finger..
    Carribean Tropics.. Where It Was Destined..
    Listen To Pockets.. To Pop The Question..
    She Accepted.. We Started Laughing..
    Never Neglected.. She Started Packing..

    .. Cruise ..

    Skies Never Gray.. Water Crystal..
    This Was The Day.. Stalled Her Whistle..
    Held Her Tight.. Kissed Her Neck..
    Once Felt Right.. Missed Neglect..
    Club Of Galour.. Drank Expensive Wine..
    Love Of Valour.. Thanked Extensive Time..
    Wore A Suit.. Her Gown That Gleamed..
    Fore The Cruise.. Out Of Dreams..
    Perfection Of Passion.. That We Shared..
    Resentment Out-Lasted.. Not That Cared..
    Food Delicates.. Heard His Fate..
    Rude Delegates.. Turned Their Hate..
    State Rooms In Comfort.. Bed They Slept..
    Late Noon In Summer.. When They Went..
    Sheets A Mess.. Named More Than Sex..
    Fleece Un-dressed.. What Was Next..
    Boat Shuttered.. They Stopped..
    Slow Mutters.. Problem Or Not?..
    Looked Out His View.. Just To Peek..
    Shook His Feet.. For What He Seen..

    .. Lost Anticipation ..

    Gunshots Heard.. His Gurl Awoke..
    Sum Shots Burned.. His World Explode..
    Hijacked Ship.. Passengers Lay Down..
    Times That Hit.. Passed For Now..
    Men Breaking In.. A Few Rooms Away..
    Wouldn't Be Taken In.. Not Today..
    In Panic.. Knew Not What To Do..
    Extatic.. Would He Go Out His Room?..
    Cared Less For Himself.. Than For His Baby..
    Wished For Her Help.. What Would Today Be..
    Two Rooms Further.. Theirs Was Next..
    Knew No Murder.. But Cared For Less..
    Hid His Woman.. Planned To Take Action..
    Knew He Shouldn't.. For What Had Happened..
    They Burst In.. Guns In Place..
    It Worsened.. When His Gurl Took Place..
    He Jumped In Front.. For the Love He Had..
    He Pumped His Gun.. For What Was So Fast..
    Shot, But Not Dead.. They Took Her Hair..
    Not In His Head.. But Had To Be There..
    She Pleaded For Life.. Looking Down The Barrell..
    She Needed To Fight.. Shooken Til' Sterile..
    She Looked At her Man.. One Last Time..
    "I Love You", He Ran.. Gun Blast Mind..
    He Screamed At Chance.. With What He Got..
    Failed Romance.. He Got Shot..

    What Was Bad Took Everything Good..
    Laying Lifeless, With The Ring Rolling Across The Boat-Deck Wood..

    ALTERNATE ENDING COMING SOON !
    Artificial Intelligence.
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  2. November 8th, 2003, 03:27 PM #2
    Do_Or_Die
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    that was sick as hell u get mad props for that 1 dogg 10/10
    yo keep yo head up
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  3. November 8th, 2003, 03:30 PM #3
    Auspicious
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    Artificial Intelligence.
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  4. November 8th, 2003, 03:33 PM #4
    Supreme Da Ghost
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    yo fam iam feelin dat shit fo real keep it up dawg ur thoughts is hott rite now ya heard
    -100-
    -Supreme Da Ghost-
    Supreme Da Ghost
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  5. November 8th, 2003, 03:44 PM #5
    ...Goofie...
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    dawg i'm new so it probably don't matter 2 ya but I think the shit was ill, but no offense it sounded more like a poem, I really like how ya mixed it up and showed the love as much as the hurt and pain. much luv dawg tha shit was tight
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  6. November 8th, 2003, 03:48 PM #6
    Twizted Ayngel
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    I dont think it sounded more like a poem. It could be considered poetic, but not neccessarily a poem. I agree with ^^Goofie when he said He liked how you mixed it up and showed the love as much as the hurt and pain. Thats true. In the beginning it was all happy, sappy, and full of love... then towards then end, you depicted the hurt and pain just as much as you did with the love in the beginning. This is well written, and the flow couldn't be better. This was ill. Great piece.
    <center>RIP - 7.18.O2..7.19.O2..7.22.O2
    7.24.O4 ... 11.o8.o4
    o4.o9.o5
    7.o2.o6
    7.o7.o6
    Forever in my heart.
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  7. November 8th, 2003, 04:18 PM #7
    Auspicious
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    Artificial Intelligence.
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  8. November 8th, 2003, 05:42 PM #8
    Auspicious
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    Still Lookin For More On This One
    Artificial Intelligence.
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  9. November 8th, 2003, 06:06 PM #9
    Brodie Rob
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    Good flow Man Keep This Shit Up.....
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  10. November 8th, 2003, 06:10 PM #10
    Auspicious
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    thas it?
    Thats Not Constructive Crit
    Artificial Intelligence.
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  11. November 9th, 2003, 11:43 AM #11
    Auspicious
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    Artificial Intelligence.
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  12. November 9th, 2003, 12:16 PM #12
    Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic
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    Well, I'm gonna say this was dope. Your flow was short and simple, but it made the song seem a little better. Some lines could've been worded better. I would say that your beginning was your shining point. The end was good, but I expected it, and that more or less took away from it, but the way you depicted it was pretty good. Nice Job, this was pretty good.
    Hence Forward.. BURR!
    [YOUTUBE]seYxVBIsycE[/YOUTUBE]
    Just watch My Back, I got the front.
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  13. November 9th, 2003, 01:28 PM #13
    Handcuffs
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    this poem/rap was really sweet. It flowed nicely the whole time, you didn't fuck up once. From what i can see, you are untouchable.
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  14. November 9th, 2003, 01:38 PM #14
    Auspicious
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    Thanks My Good Man
    Up
    Artificial Intelligence.
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  15. November 9th, 2003, 03:46 PM #15
    Ken Dawg
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    That was tight..I was diggin it..yo later
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