its ok, im all for screaming, nice backing vocals.Originally Posted by TheIllyricist
its ok, im all for screaming, nice backing vocals.
Right? That's what I told the police, too! I'm happy someone else agrees, unlike those fun-haters.
“Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”
lol @ fun haters.
@Skybones ,
Let's chat in here so I don't have to delete the chitty chat from your thread lol.
I loved your work, it shows so much potential and you have new/crisp/organic phrases that are cool to read.
Structure is a personal thing but people prefer it to be clear, regardless, do your thing. Be true to you. You say the structure was meant to show the flow, I think you're talking about those little lines right? They do show the flow, in a very obvious way lol.
As for 'lurkS' good thing, so it was just a typo.
I think you did well and like I said, I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
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Thanks alot. I plan on writing alot more. when I found this place I figured it be the perfect place to hone my skills. I will defiantly try your suggestion ad far as My structure. Im glad you liked it though and even more happy you spoke on it after all that's why Im here
I'm glad you came and that you're dropping in pc. We don't get a lot of feed in pc, but the good thing is, the feed we get is usually honest and comes from the heart. Also, there's so many different opinions, some are truly gifted with their dissecting of a piece, and some like me, just give my two cents. Either way, we all have different ideas on how 'we personally' like things, and it's up to you to take what you like, and leave what you don't, when you read people's feed.
Either way, you'll come out with more than you went in.
Kinda like KFC but without the gut ache ; )
One more thing, structure, and typo's and all that, can be worked on.
It's the msg in the piece, and the passion you carry in the words, that
makes a writer stand out from another writer.
If a writer can connect with the audience, for me, that's gold.
Last edited by Emily; May 12th, 2016 at 06:39 AM
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Exactly I figured a place called poets corner would be a good fit for my style of writing. I will prolly do some battles but more than likely i just wanna practice my word play and ability to flow smoothly while at the same time painting a picture. How ever I think now re reading the ending it should have been " for all intents and purposes their purpose is to damage us"
...for all intents and purposes their intent is to damage us...
vs
...for all intents and purposes their purpose is to damage us...
lol tricky one this one. I'm not big on doubling up of words in too close proximity.
And both these lines have doubling in close proximity.
I like the first one, more. I like ...for all intents and purposes, their intent is to damage us...I like <<<that one. Even though the word 'intent'/s is written twice, I like it, whereas I'm not big on the
second one. The word 'purposes' and then 'purpose', seemed like too many loud 'puh' sounds, but after saying it over and over lol, it started sounding more like an anthem, which is v cool.
I don't know, pick what's right for you. Right it, by writing it lol.
I trust you'll do well.
Last edited by Emily; May 12th, 2016 at 08:14 AM
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It works there though because it's ironic
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the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.
lol @Emily is right, haiku is the only thing I come to this site for anymore. HMU when it's back on.
"...for all intents and purposes their purpose is to damage us..."
doubling works if you can make it interesting
'for all intents and purposes their intent purposefully damaged us' or something like that
A few achievements here and there
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Porpoises in tents?? Seems unlikely.
Catch a flicker of flame
sun-sets and glittery days
Moonscapes flooding the frame
I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]
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no worries.
- - - Updated - - -
Nice, Cody.
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Porpoises in tents are real. I've dreamt of them. It was a nightmare.
I'm triggered.
Going to my safe space.
“Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”
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