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Thread: New here - First written. Please critique

  1. #1

    New here - First written. Please critique

    My first written ever. It may be bad, but I can't improve until I know what I am doing wrong. Thanks.


    Inspiration, Realization


    How come our cities are illiterate,
    and shunning it's young?
    We're so intricate,
    think we're different.
    Fed false knowledge, we're dumb.
    A debt so deep our Country's scared,
    and man, un-able to become
    the profiting place that you and I have
    been so long dreaming of.

    If a law was changed for something,
    that wasn't meant to be outlawed,
    taxes would disintegrate,
    many millions given jobs.

    Focus on Afghani streets
    while children freeze and starve.
    The costly system you made up
    is the only way to jobs.
    We're living under your rules
    in a country for the free.
    You lock up the innocent through selfishness
    and over powered greed.
    Your extreme power brought us poverty,
    struggling for human needs.

    How come the history books,
    speak about so long long ago?
    It's cus we're lied to and contained from
    the news we should know.
    For years they lie to make us happy
    and keep us under control.

    Now things could stay the same,
    but we've got one thing they lack.
    Passionate new optimism, i'm statin' the facts.
    Our parents could have changed the system,
    but evolved knowledge is fact.

    The worlds always been dying.
    But hey we learn from mistakes.
    Give up your power and your riches,
    we all share a certain fate.
    The same species, so connected.
    Yet, there's always debate.
    Maybe too smart to see simply, as life is meant to be lived.
    A homeless boy under gold streetlights,
    how fucked up is this.

    A planet flying through infinity,
    from reality we flee.
    Over-bear our minds on purpose
    to hide the questions we seek.
    How is life possible,
    we're just another species.
    What type of energy exists,
    in order to create infinity?


    - stars

  2. #2
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: New here - First written. Please critique

    You have potential, but you need to post 3 links to pieces you have left feedback on, when you have those links PM them to me and I will re-open this.

    -For now, Closed.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


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