Same rules as last time...
any topic you want...
30 lines max...
due wednesday midnight by your time...(whatever time zone u in)
Vinzr
Langston Viewz
Same rules as last time...
any topic you want...
30 lines max...
due wednesday midnight by your time...(whatever time zone u in)
The Birth Of Creation
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Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal
Check.
*not my best work*
http://img189.imageshack.us/i/creepv.png/
Ocean blue…all I remember…
November gave no thanks as it rolled cold into December…
That chilly night I thought nothing would catch me in the wrong…
But the fat lady was practicing her song…
“How could we get along?”…
Complaint after complaint whenever vented
That “Baby I’ll be late” aroma thought she wouldn’t scent it
I never meant for you to figure out what I was doing
Who I’m pursuing, or eventually would be screwing
You knew when it had happened but you didn’t trip
Just let it ride on cruise control until a nigga slipped
And I fell hard…
I left the wrapper in my pocket…
Shocked as it made her like a plug not all in to the socket
Her anger (brought to you by NASA) took off like a rocket
What’s in arms reach was in the air and my hands couldn’t block it
Shit escalated…
No more debating back and forth, violence
Swing and a miss I pushed her down and things ended in silence
The Birth Of Creation
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Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal
http://i55.tinypic.com/n6qoic.jpg
Going through motion sickness as I stare at the continuous ticks
Who would have known a clock could contain such sinuous bits
It is holding two sticks and it moves stiff with only one kick,
Time is such a multi dimensional illusion - a constant mind trick
Tick... Tick...
Travelling through time, walking through the crowded streets
Anticipating who I meet, proceeding my feet with such discrete
A quiet tone unlike what I previously known but now time has shown
A place that had me grown, co-existing with the space where we roam
This dimension remains unknown, and notes are written in stone
But this whole concept of time has me stricken and thrown
Confusion taken to another degree, feeling constricted and far from free
I feel nothing to the bone and have no feelings of who I see
As time progresses, we dwell along the top without knowing what’s in stock
The sensation of walking over a clock, talking with no pause or stop
I wish to go back to home, where time progresses consistently
To return so that I can forget and ignore the lessons envisioned here
Tick... Tick...
Just, how does a person go through such a transition?
Did I really travelled time or was it all just a vision?
sorry will post vote links soon...will edit them in here
The Birth Of Creation
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Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal
Langston Viewz: Not the best Imagery piece i have seen from you. The story dont get me wrong was good and well expressed but to me i felt like u put this together quickly like some parts were rushed. Some of the concepts and metaphores used to describe her emotion at the time were kinda basic and took off interest of the imagery u feel me???
Shocked as it made her like a plug not all in to the socket
Her anger (brought to you by NASA) took off like a rocket
wording of this expression of emotion would of took this to another level
LW im not gonna hate because ur talented at topicals and what u do but again not ur best piece here
Vinzr: Very diffrent Topic from you very nice imagery. I like how u described Time and how in the real world time passes by quickly. It just brought a whole diffrent aspect to me.
Going through motion sickness as I stare at the continuous ticks
Who would have known a clock could contain such sinuous bits
It is holding two sticks and it moves stiff with only one kick,
Time is such a multi dimensional illusion - a constant mind trick
just this intro right here caught my eye just the imagery i got from you was ill
it felt like u were asking urself whats so good about a clock and passing time but in an interesting way.
MVGT: Gotta give it to Vinzr he just came with a whole diffrent Aspect of imagery that kept me intersted from his intro to end. Just his words were well expressed and the story of him agaisnt time was pretty ill.
The Birth Of Creation
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Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal
Langston- I stopped reading that stupid shit when you said her anger was sponsored by nasa? stfu you wack piece of shit, don't get me wrong the rest of it sucked too and you are a wack ass bitch.
Vinzr- That was the best shit I've read on here which isn't saying much but it was pretty good. I don't know how you sound vocally but that would make a pretty decent song.
I'm a few posts away from being able to vote but I'd give this to Vinzr in a landslide
lmao....clearly a hate post cuz i voted against him in his battle...
u not even valid to vote in here, and you didn't leave a real fuckin breakdown...
gtfoh sour ass dude
The Birth Of Creation
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Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal
ok with me if u wanna dq that vote.
upp
No freeposting!
Warned
-A.T.
Last edited by A.T.; July 13th, 2011 at 11:10 PM
^lol...wow.
upp
uippin plz for votes
The Birth Of Creation
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Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal
Vinzr; Thought your verse got kind of wordy at places. Especially in the beginning. But you improved the flow and structure through out. Thought you stuck to the topic pretty well, did nice through the middle and in my opinion, picked it up more towards the end.. Kept me reading and didnt bore me with lame lines or bland filler.
Langston; Thought you started strong. But when you started mentioning the "I'll be late" part, it kinda fell off.
"Thought she wouldn't scent it" puzzled me. It's just the way you said it that confused me a little. And even the above line "whenever vented" seemed forced, even for a 1st-line type bar.. But you closed it off well.Complaint after complaint whenever vented
That “Baby I’ll be late” aroma thought she wouldn’t scent it
For a smoother read, I would give this to Vinzr, just thought he did a better job overall and told a better story.. Props to both
When I get post #50 I will poll. Thanks for the read.
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