The Moai Youth

[Dan Dare]

what devastation surrounds them
tribal worship of a cult of hatred
the minds of the youthful
are the deranged playgrounds of the withered
that is,
the naked symmetry of nature


the sinew of a cold, rusty door frame
swollen tongues behind thin, pursed lips
conceal great wealth and
sing to us of wars seen and forgotten
wars seen only in the shutter of the mind’s eye


they are watching
the face of obsidian in their eyes
and while
the piercing stare of the distant sniper scope
seems reflected in each leaden iris
but repelled by each precious pupil
by warriors of love and innocence
with Molotov hearts and whetstone minds


for how long in insolence?

[Dan Dare]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...50#post7959750
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...52#post7948752

[Soule]

Nice to see you writing on RB again, even if this is the only poem you intend on writing. Would appreaciate some feedback on my collaboration with Baron. Thanks.


This poem was nice. I read it to the melody of Flobot's "Airplane Mode" and it flowed pretty well over that beat. The wording was really clean, not too elementary but not complex enough to confuse the reader either. I liked the idea that you had, fairly original. Reminded me of the Japanese type of poetry I read last year in school. Don't remember the name, but it's one of my preferences. First stanza was me favorite. Short and sweet poem. Keep writing man, maybe jump in on the new poetry collective.

[Kaotic Theory]

the sinew of a cold, rusty door frame
swollen tongues behind thin, pursed lips
conceal great wealth and
sing to us of wars seen and forgotten
wars seen only in the shutter of the mind’s eye

those lines right there were just vivid and full of emotion for me i mean that was well worded and man glad to see you still writing jek been quite some time and i can't recall the last poem ive read from you, sorry if my feedback comes off hollow to you. but yes i thought you you did well on the wording side, nice description on the history of the culture and past event's that were forgotten or overlooked kinda of being a reminder, i think maybe i'd have to read this a couple more times possibly to fully grasp where y7ou were going with this. overall a solid piece here manh, this area of the site perhaps needs this, older heads dropping new pieces to perhaps maybe influence other's to write and express thereself's so props man.

rtf? would be awesome and very much appreciated if you can leave feedback and some insight on either of these.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...524/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...486/index.html