http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=423296
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=422791
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=420835
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...00#post7494900
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...36#post7494836
^ you were really ignorant and presumptious enough to test my command on the English language?
smh
Last edited by English; March 27th, 2010 at 02:58 PM
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Everything I have said has gone over your head my friend. I wouldn't call that 'presumptuous' as I already know you are a fool.
I would read your writtens for more ammunition but some people have better things to do.
Peace x
s'what I get for tryna help a nigga, ungrateful hateful faggot
shit man, odd typo and son wants to try schooling, g'head
Id outrhyme you comfortably and fuck the shorthand you cant even reasonably test my grasp on the language billy boy
It's whatever. I'll go away having blown my cover because I aint feel a line bout hand sanitisers o_O
Last edited by English; March 27th, 2010 at 03:05 PM
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Lmao sad thing is I agree completely with English's feed. You can't be askin' for feed, then get butt hurt when someone isn't dick riding you.
A fine balance, but the chalis persists//
To rip holes in my soul without malice, for kicks//
I build bricks for the palace but the palace is shit//
My attitude is callous but I still manage to grit//
this was real nice here, good use of vocab and nice flow. feels like id spit it in an angry tone or something.
My teeth, and soldier on with a boulder-on//
My shoulder as my teeth get colder-from//
kinda lost it here but....
The conditions I'm in...//
Its a cardinal sin, its the flea markets that win//
A slave to modern-day propaganda they spin//
Think cliffhangers and things, that typa mystique//
If its about energy, then enlighten me please!//
Its like a disease, something society breed//
To stick to your skin and make you lie at their feet//
dope ass rhymes here, this made the WHOLE verse to be honest. wonder how you spit this, fast probably?
An undeniable greed can be an inspiration for many//
But they're pinching your pound while your saving your penny!//
nice wordplay here...but the concept wasn't executed in the BEST way you could've re-worded this. but s'all good.
Something wiser, hand sanitiser puts the politics right//
And Im obliged to their existance when their policies lie//
No apology, Why?...//
'Cos we're part of a system that was destined to die//
For centuries, lies, not to mention the lives//
Controlled by an economy that could turn earth on its side//
nice rhymes scheme here, dig the fluctuation of the rhymes, its like the lines before it just builds up and then this shit happens. dope.
Recession aside, the forecasts looking bleak//
People cant make a promise, with their tongue in their cheek!//
good wordplay here again but kind of ended really fuckin' abruptly
Your rhyme scheme was pretty much perfect, you know what you're doing about structure, but work on content.
Keep practicing, work on elevating and work on writing about shit that's more personal.
K-
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the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.
my link http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...161/index.html
well written for real surprised it flowed so smooth it was on point multi's so so doe ut really liked this part from the heart really nice flow on this first part to start it off
A fine balance, but the chalis persists//
To rip holes in my soul without malice, for kicks//
I build bricks for the palace but the palace is shit//
My attitude is callous but I still manage to grit//
My teeth, and soldier on with a boulder-on//
My shoulder as my teeth get colder-from//
The conditions I'm in...//
Last edited by rhymebad; March 27th, 2010 at 11:06 PM
umm Im not as impressed with this as those above me for some reason. I don't think there really is a topic per say and if I am to refer to your title than Id agree that this was ok. lot of wonderring going on here and not really clear as to what you exactly were attempting to convey here. I do think your structure for the most part was solid, as was the flow. but the lines felt a little bland and not having as much impact or memorable impact as they possibly could have. over all Id say 6/10 with potential of being a 7.5 by changing a few of the less then memorable lines like I said. You do have the beginnings of a good writer I noticed that in the cypher a few days ago. but as I myself have to constantly remind myself, take the extra time to rethink any portion of your work that doesnt hit you just right ya know what Im saying. like if you question how well something sounds you can expect us to be equally or usually more critical of that questionable area. just my thoughts. worth their cost. all sales are final
Young Gunz Baseball
Est. 2010
Exactly what i'm talking about... you title it "A Quick One" and the 1st person that comes in here not drooling over your piece, you give him shit... it's really not that good... your piece is vague and doesn't really have a central idea... it's like you were just throwing shit together to rhyme... you have multis and flow, but they don't really make any sense...
Allow me to explain. If you read back I thanked the man for his contructive critcism, which in all honesty, im not really looking for anyway. I just came here as I have started writing again after a few years and its a good way to sharpen up.
I make music.
I dont understand this internet thing of critiquing peoples rhymes to the extent of analysing every word of a sentance to ensure you have ridiculously long words because, if any of you knew anything, it adds up to a weak flow and is not recordable.
Now I shall divulge why I do not accept your ctriticism, if you will allow me...
The topic is the topic, it doesnt have to slap you in the face. The idea is to make you think, if you have thought about it and still havent worked it out then it's about the state of the country I live in. Its a pretty simple idea, when I say 'palace' thats kinda supposed to indicate a higher power, such as a government or state. Do i really need to elaborate?umm Im not as impressed with this as those above me for some reason. I don't think there really is a topic per say and if I am to refer to your title than Id agree that this was ok. lot of wonderring going on here and not really clear as to what you exactly were attempting to convey here.
You havent even told me what you dont understand about the hand sanitiser line?I feel the next bar with the "penny" line spiked your flow something, fact is I aint fucking with the hand sanitiser line either duke, but you redeem your shit;
Something wiser, hand sanitiser puts the politics right
Something wiser - a higher power - e.g government or state.
Hand sanitiser - its everywhere, so you keep your hands clean!
Politics right - political correctness.
Thats a sick line buddy, probably the best of them all.
There was no word-play here my friend. Perhaps you have spent so much time trying to be clever you are trying to see things that aren't there?An undeniable greed can be an inspiration for many//
But they're pinching your pound while your saving your penny!//
nice wordplay here...but the concept wasn't executed in the BEST way you could've re-worded this. but s'all good.
Like I said, some of you have made good points but it begs the question, should I really be listening to them when you quite clearly have no understanding of what your trying to critique?
I rest my case.
Didn't get any replies to this for some reason.
This was a pretty dope piece,
Really liked these lines and I've got a really huge piece of advice for you in the future.....take the "//" off the end of your lines, man go in and edit that on this site heads hate it when you do that.Something wiser, hand sanitiser puts the politics right//
And Im obliged to their existance when their policies lie//
No apology, Why?...//
'Cos we're part of a system that was destined to die//
For centuries, lies, not to mention the lives//
Controlled by an economy that could turn earth on its side//
But nice rhymescheme and cool topic it had an air of social commentary to it.....was an entertaining read which also had dope multi's throughout the story told.....
uppping.
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