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Thread: Unadulterated Penetration

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! L-Tidus's Avatar
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    Unadulterated Penetration

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ts-368833.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...im-368728.html


    Unadulterated Penetration

    vaginal pain shields any smile, regardless of her needs
    whilest absorbic acid seeps out of her corroded arteries
    tragedy strikes brief, emotions of shock remain within
    slippin a mickey in wiskey proved she's violated by friends
    regardless of sin, forensic evidence is shown on the forskin
    no denyin the crime, on victims face, nothin but torment
    fingerprints n hair folicals prove who the perpetrator is
    whether its more involved, understand..she'll never have kids
    with a bruised sterm, punctured lung, damage is shown now
    she struggles to stand upright, her knee slightly blown out
    ideas of rehibilation lessen, she grasps the walker slowly
    flashes of the attack resurface, while here thoughts exploding
    a marron colour covers her tears, eyeshadow readily smears
    as pain of disgestin solid foods superseed her thought of fear
    DNA's embedded under her nails, revealed by flouresant light
    after that bitter night, she know in the fight for her life
    at bedside, her life meter fades, overriden by fear of pain
    deep gasps for breathe aspire, as the doctor proceeds to explain
    how carramastic the youngster is, despite the vital ordeal
    and how most who suffer the same fate, mostly end up killed
    with her face turning plush red, tears descend toward the bed
    until the wet spot beneath her hair extends to saturate her head
    amnesia fades quick, at the perpetrators, she began to reminise
    how one pervert cliched his fist, hittin her dead in the lips
    on the canvas she sits, awakenin to nightmares in a cold sweat
    one day she'd hit pubrity, but shes not close to that age yet
    its a crazed death, dead to the world, none hear your cries
    even when the pain scream out n introdes into your inner thighs
    no more can I stand the site, my eyes are watery as I speak
    and I scolded with the mere fact this girl turn 5 last week
    & confrontin her parents is insane, I knew this from the start
    religion fills there souls, but vengence dominates there hearts
    glancin slowly at red ring on her neck, hatred escalates greater
    observin the swellin proves that those at fault were not strangers
    increasing is the anger, the adolescent struggles to open her eye
    and proceeds to dictate, her short life and how it was deprived
    now at a whisper, a name escalates throughout her fragile laranyx
    while her parent comprehend she has a lessen chance of bearin kids
    she rolls over onto her belly, the doctor monitors the heart device
    its steadily beats at 85/minute, showin how hard she fights

  2. #2
    LiTeSknBaby F.A.M.'s Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    nice,,,nazty
    nice and nazty...loved the title had me interested since im a sick fuker...keep spittin hot shit

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  3. #3
    Newbie UltimateIllusion's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    damn man thats siick, in a good way.
    nasty ass lyrics, very imagative.
    i could picture every lyric, great job

  4. #4
    Halleluja Soul Slayer's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    Ok my dude this was a very coherent piece and your take on it
    was really polished IMO... The imagery was jumping at my face
    trying to knock me to the floor and embrace me... Lol but it was
    really brought together sublimely with concepts were fresh but
    its so easy to have come out cliche with this but you didn't
    disappoint with the execution. Big-up on coz im noming this.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-367510.html
    RFT this piece my dude.

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    Scytsophrenia

    On that next level.. but STILL fuckin' crazy.


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  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! L-Tidus's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    Quote Originally Posted by Scientific View Post
    Ok my dude this was a very coherent piece and your take on it
    was really polished IMO... The imagery was jumping at my face
    trying to knock me to the floor and embrace me... Lol but it was
    really brought together sublimely with concepts were fresh but
    its so easy to have come out cliche with this but you didn't
    disappoint with the execution. Big-up on coz im noming this.

    Thanks for all the feedback and thanks for noming this Scientific. It feel really good to get a nomination because feedback is sometime hard to get on drops in the open mic area...

    Thanks again all...

  6. #6
    The Method of Procedure
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    i hate reading long bland shit, so i thought id just do a quick read, see what u been up to, and found myself caught in this piece, really great vocab used, easy read, and so in-depth it really was shocking, i expected u to fall off, but u had like virtually perfect wording...u really did this well, im really impressed, cuz a story like this i wouldnt usually bother reading, but u kept me intrested
    keep it up man...u seem to be rather good at this

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    Notarized Artistry

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! L-Tidus's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    Thanks Ramcees, Scientific, UltimateIllusion, & F.A.M. for you feedback on my drop...

    Uppin this for some more feedback...

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! JUstintime's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    [QUOTE=Scientific;6400539]Ok my dude this was a very coherent piece and your take on it
    was really polished IMO... The imagery was jumping at my face
    trying to knock me to the floor and embrace me... Lol but it was
    really brought together sublimely with concepts were fresh but
    its so easy to have come out cliche with this but you didn't
    disappoint with the execution. Big-up on coz im noming this.



    yeah that shit was tight and real hard i liked it
    check out my new crazy rap
    JB!

  9. #9
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    Yeah man, I thought this was cool. Your vocab was nice but you overdone it at times, and there were some spelling errors. Make sure you write with spell-check on! The flow was cool, try adding a more complex rhyme-scheme man. The imagery was gory which was cool. The storyline has been done, but I liked how you went into detail and provided some sort of background. Keep scribing.
    LOL

  10. #10
    :.Swagger Found.: Uben. Sonned's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    Yes, Very true.
    Burden has stated it very well.
    Few errors, subject has been done before but you did it rather well.
    Detail was good, a rather decent job of imagry.
    Very well done.

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    .Major League Gaming.
    XBOX 360 GT: COF Nightmare

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! L-Tidus's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    JustinTime, Burden, and Uben.Sonned... Thanks for feeding on my drop....

    Uppin this for some more feed...

  12. #12

    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    burden...you did an excellent job at summing it up....but on the real....you don't need to worry about vocab....keep bringing the "big words".....it's not that you over did it on vocab....it's more of...word choice....i know someone else said you had excellent word choice but...it was mediocre....and that's not bad..that just means you have work to do....a writers code is..."words are all words untill they fit like a glove....than personification is an accidental occurance"


    remember that....if you don't get what that means...than you need to try and find another hobby....but i trust that you do....and i also trust that you will use it to make you better.


    all in all...decent drop....from someone who has a ton of potential......keep it up.

  13. #13
    Blind is state of Mind. Braille's Avatar
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    Re: Unadulterated Penetration

    word....what rev said..................nothing more....nothing less.
    H.ence
    O.
    F.orward



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    Originally Posted by P. Mortuus
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    I remember when Braille first appeared on the scene, we were all kids and we were in awe of the greying beard and wisdom.

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