take my pain

[GrimmyReaps]

…………Do you………..

Do you think you can take my pain?
As I lay motionless on the ground
As if slain, as the yells are abstain
As death surrounds, my brain confound
This drains my life, this everyday fight
As the hate ignites, this sleepless night
Emotionally torn, my body is worn
Mind is forlorn, as I’m openly scorned
Waiting for the next spoken words
To hear the next chirp of the birds


……..Silence……..

As if I’m deaf still waiting as I hold my breath
Hurt but not with any type of physical death
Not able to rest, erratic motions as if possessed
Depressed, this outcome to crazy to be guessed
Taps down the hall as I hear him come
Clack of the pistol as he clocks his gun
I wait, unable to move considered sitting bait
My loves soul mate, my fate I do await
I hear him pass by the door and continue walking
Yells at his wife there’s no type of talking

……….Bang………

As I hear the gun go off, I sit quite as on pause
Not wondering why because I know the cause
He knows I’m here, he waits for me to appear
hear him crying I see the tears, imaging all his fear
I know that I forgot my wallet, and he probably saw it
Unleashing his inner demon, see him as he tries to draw it
I got my self in this mess, now this man sits obsessed
Maybe I should go out and confess, maybe have some success
No to stop and talk is to dangerous, I should just run for it
I know this is a sin but maybe I wont get shunned for it

.......The mind.......

So really can u take this pain?
Cry as much as a unstopping rain
Feeling bad, as you “loved” his wife
No need for glad, as he ends your life
So I bust out basement heading out
He looks at me and just looks back down
He doesn’t shout, cuz now his wife he’s without
Doesn’t even open his mouth, continues to frown
He killed his wife and now he regrets it
Life is not about hate and now he finally gets it


The man who was in the basement got away clean but the wife was killed and the husband killed himself shortly after the man left…





links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ce-344816.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...th-344665.html

[CzeN ChamP]

This was a nice peice. I like how every different part had its own title and section. Structure was nice and added a nice touch to the peice. Flow was good, but culda been better. Vocab was nice, not too complex, but not simplistic at all. Emotion was there, and stayed there throughout the peice. Concept was good, and stuck thru, as u expressed your pain in different sences. Nice touch and layout of the piece all together. Overal good piece

[LedgenZ]

Yeah, Grim, You've defiantly improved, not that you were every bad, you've always been pretty dope, but it looks like now that you've really come into your own element, like everything has come full circle for you. Haven't seen you in the Open Mic in a while, but this was defiantly a pleasant surprise and one hell of a comeback piece if I do say so myself. Your flow was impeccable and your scheme was creative. As a matter-a-fact I read the entire piece straight through without one mishap or slip up. Which is a testament to just how well written this piece was. The subject-matter however, wasn't the most original, wives get killed on a weekly basis in the OM, but given the execution it was still entertaining enough to eclipse it's played concept. You defiantly held my attention the entire time and, well, there's really nothing to complain about or criticize. Enjoyable read to say the least man.



Favorite lines:

As I hear the gun go off, I sit quit as on pause
Not wondering why because I know the cause
He knows I’m here, he waits for me to appear
hear him crying I see the tears, imaging all his fear
I know that I forgot my wallet, and he probably saw it
Unleashing his inner demon, see him as he tries to draw it
I got my self in this mess, now this man sits obsessed
Maybe I should go out and confess, maybe have some success
No to stop and talk is to dangerous, I should just run for it
I know this is a sin but maybe I wont get shunned for it

^Man, I hate quoting entire passages, makes it seem like I didn't read it, it's kind of cheap, ((lol)) WTF am I talking about? Anyway, this was my favorite part of the entire story, I loved how the character questioned what he should do, it made it very "life-like", not to mention the rhymes were pretty fresh to. Great flow, dope visual, what else do you need? Dopeness bro!


All in all this was a entertaining read, can't front, I enjoyed it ALL!

Keep dropping Grim!





pZ

[GrimmyReaps]

tks for the feed ups...

[GrimmyReaps]

rise

[Ntalek]

I recently voted on this drop...It was a good read most def...I liked how you portray the imagery in that 3rd person type of persona...that was coo...the wording was aiight..but maybe it was just how I read it..but it seemed liked the lines were ending to sudden..that's about the only negative I could say if any to this drop...nice read..and props on getting ya swagger back..keep droppN.word.!

[GrimmyReaps]

rise

[Morbid Dream]

This verse read like a story. It flowed pretty good and thepicture you put across came clear.

As I hear the gun go off, I sit quit as on pause
Not wondering why because I know the cause
He knows I’m here, he waits for me to appear
hear him crying I see the tears, imaging all his fear
I know that I forgot my wallet, and he probably saw it
Unleashing his inner demon, see him as he tries to draw it
I got my self in this mess, now this man sits obsessed

This part here really drew a feel of intensity.

I think sometimes your word selection is a bit off but you showed real creativity and skill. Dude I dont want to throw empty flattery at you. Fuck that I want to put constructive critisism. Summary. Good feel of atmosphere, nice application of the concept, good flow, work on word selections

As if slain, as the yells are abstain
As death surrounds, my brain confound

Pz


RTF
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...l?goto=newpost

[Facts Machine]

nice imagery, it was real emotional too, i think your story-telling skills are pretty good in this piece. the overall concept was cool, i liked the ending. i don't have too much too say negatively, but maybe the rhyme-scheme could have been better... but really it's fine, not too complex and not too simple.

anyways, return the favor, please, in my new open mic...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-346472.html