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Thread: Feedback please.....

  1. #1
    Banned
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    Thumbs up Feedback please.....

    Start ya engines, I've come from far and distant
    just to scar your diction, fuck ya bar ambitions
    I'll bite ya fuckin chest like I gotta heart addiction
    Charred from friction, steming through the wires I sprout w/ surges
    out where earth is on the prowl for serpents, who crowd the surface
    found our purpose, around one mic to relay messages mechanically made
    abandoned the grave, left a HOLE in my head for you to examine my brain
    and for you who withstanding the pain? prepare for more trama ta happen
    For I've declared war where llama's is clappin, be-for osama was laughin
    my heat source is where the lava is splashin' and where demons existed
    deemed as persistant, pee'in on christians, pissin till my penis is rippin
    scheming the system, seeing a vision,
    of me redeeming the speech I was given, upon release I was livid,
    freedom of these pieces of living, fill the creece that im spittin
    i'm iLL diseased and forbidden, to cross boundaries that God has implanted
    I Crossed the atlantic, on a crab boat w/ mad quotes I jotted in panic
    Plotted ta' hand scripts rancid's and use tool rules for assertion
    I type fuel on the verses, so fast that my right cuticals burnin'
    The coolest of persons, my forms takin a rockets sunning in rays
    Mind storming haley comets takin logic hostage and running away
    no gun on my waiste, no run in my legs, since amputation was final
    Takin the title so favor me or you'll anger me like handin satan a bible
    standing patient is vital, and good things come to those who wait
    unless the good thing are the bad things and you throw ya bait
    caught the undertow of hate ,and merely absorbed it, lyrically forced it
    without a front, so i'm out this cunt, though I was nearly aborted!!
    Last edited by vocabz; February 21st, 2007 at 01:56 AM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    flow on this shit is str8 nasty... those multies were original and far from forced... I liked the word choice in the first couple bars... consistnat throughout the piece... enjoyed it man... good read

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  4. #4
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    once again....i loved tha complexity and multis...your wordplay and vocab were on point.....tha storys you spit skip around from her to there..but i stil enjoy tha read...keep droppin tha hottness.~1~


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  5. #5
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    I appreciate it, TreaZon. Yeah, this was just a keystyle. My next check I'm getting a mic, so I won't really be posting any text. I'll leave feed on peoples pieces, but thats about it. So, keep an eye out for me, alright. -one-

    Back to the Uppin!!!!!

  6. #6
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    Uppin!!!!!

  7. #7
    Destined to Rule 3rdWorld's Avatar
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    aight, this piece was good... one of the better reads in my opinion... the flow was dope, the multies were dope... it was just DOPE but yeah ur story did flip around a lil... my faverooute part was the end

    standing patient is vital, and good things come to those who wait
    unless the good thing are the bad things and you throw ya bait
    caught the undertow of hate ,and merely absorbed it, lyrically forced it
    without a front, so i'm out this cunt, though I was nearly aborted!!
    that shit was madd... bowt as good a closer as it gets... propz ta you and remember when ya do ur audio shit gimme a hollah and i'll come leave sum feedback on it aight... propz ta ur future aight
    The 45corperations
    Mos' Def' Soldiers
    Southern Blood

  8. #8
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    I really appreciate your reply, bro. I got some other ish, in the Poetry Forum... You might be interested. And, I got some battles finished, you can check out. With one still going.... I talk with your boy JOOKZ alot. but, anyhow, thanks, bro. I appreciate this.

  9. #9
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    Nice shit for a boast piece vocabz, you had versatile vocab and a crazy ammount of multi's going in here. Some killer one liners as well:

    The coolest of persons, my forms takin a rockets sunning in rays
    Mind storming haley comets takin logic hostage and running away


    ^made me crack a smile. The only thing i'll say to you is beware of going overboard with multi's because sometimes you sacrifice making sense to get them in. You've got talent man, stick with this.

    And keep posting.

    SS League Record 31-8
    SS HW Champ
    14 x OM HoF



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  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title! TeLLaKoNeSiS's Avatar
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    Whoa check the fucking multies!

    i had a weird feeling that you where going to be wack, no offence but it turns out
    you're pretty dope man the structure i thought WAS going to make it hard to follow but i picked up on your flow easily, and as johnny said make sure you keep an eye on your making sense meter lol you need to keep your multitasticness and makin sense almost even..
    all in all this was a good keystyle man keep it up and by the way i checked your battle thread you got some nice punches too!
    I Don't Need A Sig?

  11. #11

    Re: Feedback please.....

    I just loved the wordplay and the smooth sail of the flow from beginning to the end.
    Just as others have pointed out the multies and etc. was right on point,
    But to me more impressive thing was how stylistic this was.
    This was complex yet very easy to follow.
    This would sound great on audio.
    Keep up the good work.
    Peace`

    - Sir Paper

  12. #12
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    I appreciate the feed everybody!!!! UPPIN!!!

  13. #13
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    Uppin!!!!

  14. #14
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    uppin...

  15. #15
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    Re: Feedback please.....

    uppin

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